Well, I'm still a Servant so that's something in my favour, right?
[ he won't end up dead if he's harder to kill? this is not an ideal way of looking at it. his voice gets quieter when he speaks again. ]
Anyway, I'm not being too careless. I can't help but feel like the Daitengu's counting on me.
[ he doesn't like admitting it and probably wouldn't admit it to anyone else because it sounds too self-important. mostly it's the pressure he's been imposing on himself which has not improved since the Daitengu called him out by name. ]
I like to think I wouldn't have let it get that far. Plus, we're all on the same side anyway! No reason to get aggressive when someone just wants to get to know you.
[ which is, of course, a silly thing to say to a guy who definitely gets aggressive when someone just wants to get to know him but still. ]
[ he's so glad this isn't a video call. there are too many things to pick apart to try and analyse why he feels like he does, but it's ultimately a happy feeling. it takes him a few seconds longer to respond and he doesn't entirely get his voice not to waver, but he avoids embarrassing himself, at least. ]
I've always got time for you, Izō.
[ he's said that before, in other ways, but he feels like he needs to say it again right now. ]
You can come here if you want or I can meet you. Guess it depends on what you feel like drinking, hm?
[ he's been violating doctor's orders this long, why stop now? ]
[ oh, yeah. tone down the feelings about this, but izō is even bringing something himself?? it's such a normal gesture that maybe he should ask himself more questions about why he's making such a big deal out of it but then the realisation that izō is going to come here after all sets in and... well, that changes his tune a little. now ryouma has something else to think about on top of everything else.
he only has the one room but it sure is in a state. it's fine. he has time. ]
Er... sorry. [ see? it's funny. he's laughing. ] Wouldn't worry about that! Here, I'll send you the address.
[ the good news is with everything going on, there's unlikely to be anyone around to give izō a hard time. ryouma's planned ahead for the possibility that izō might come around some time, so someone somewhere has izō's name on a list (probably) anyway. ]
[ Izō comes by not long later, a bottle of cheap sake in hand. It's good that he also lives like an animal except with someone else, so the state of Ryouma's apartment can't be that bad. ]
[ ryouma has managed to scrape things into enough piles to create some semblance of order. which is to say he's stacked up a lot of things along one wall. papers, notes, books, comics. whatever. all of it in piles. not important, don't look. there's nothing to be done about the maps and notes pinned and taped to the wall. that's to be expected. he's like this.
there's a big bag of garbage by the door and he never got around to gathering up a lot of instant cup noodle debris but whatever. he has been very legitimately busy even before the assassination fiasco. that ryouma bothers to fold his uniform neatly in the midst of this shows where his priorities are, maybe? or it's just a weird habit he's come to develop at some point. in any case, ryouma is sticking to kimonos because it's less uncomfortable to take them on and off at the moment, but it's not the same one he wore to the parade. seeing as he bled on that one. ]
Now, why would that happen? [ don't answer that. ] Everything's fine, see?
[ he has definitely looked worse. and better. but that's not important, focus on the fact that he's looked worse. ]
[ if izō has showed up ten minutes earlier this would look a lot different.
fortunately, izō shoves the bottle into ryouma's good hand because he's favouring the other. he'd kept right on like everything was normal all night and now he's paying for it. it's resting in the sling he should've been using the whole time, but since he usually keeps his left arm like that anyway he doesn't feel compelled to immediately explain himself either. not like it's a big deal.
ryouma sets the bottle on the low table and only has to grab a couple of clean cups down off a shelf, having bought some since he figured this exact thing might happen some day. ]
Then I guess we both deserve a break. It's hard to believe today hasn't been longer than just an exhausting day.
[ He practically throws himself down by the table with a sigh. This night can only go up from here, right? It's not like Ryouma favoring one arm went unnoticed, either. Here he is, useless as ever and unable to protect the people he cares about. ]
Ya went and get yerself hurt, didn't ya? ...Idiot.
[ The solution is to be a pain in the ass, of course. ]
[ ryouma sits down, setting the bottle on the table and then the cups. despite the injury he gets along well enough because he's done this before; it's not the first time he's had to get by on one and a half hands. he's perfectly capable of pouring sake. ]
It's not that bad, honestly! I was supposed to be resting it but I was busy so I hadn't had a chance to until now. It's just a little sore, that's all.
[ he doesn't mind izō giving him a hard time at all. it's comforting, if anything, how normal and familiar it feels when nothing else does. ]
[ He feels awful about all of this. He'd been so useless the whole night, the only person he'd helped was Hizen and even that didn't feel like enough. How useless was he that he couldn't protect the people he cared about? He shut down in the panic and Karasu took over because he couldn't handle it.
And now Ryouma is acting like this isn't a big deal. It's taking all of his strength to keep the tears at bay. He's so tired and exhausted and stretched thin. The sake burns worse than the tears stinging his eyes and he likes it that way. ]
Yer gonna get yerself killed, ya idiot! Then where's that gonna leave me, huh?! I jus' get t' see ya again an' then yer gone! [ Where the fuck is this anger coming from? It surprises even him with the intensity. He doesn't have the excuse of being drunk for his tears. ] Don't be so fuckin' reckless!
[ And then weaker as he wipes at his eyes in shame. ]
[ it's less that he actually says anything and more that the breath escapes him all at once and he doesn't know what to say. which is weird because he usually likes to think he can always find something to say. ]
M' sorry, Izō. I—...
[ he's not sure what he's apologising for. for getting shot? for worrying him, sure. ryouma realises he's sat up properly at some point, his head bowed and his hands on his knees because he's trained himself to be whatever or whoever he's had to be for so long and it feels all wrong. it's too much to take, one too far for as long as he's held it together but since it's not in his nature to give up he's fighting it all the way down. ]
For all of it. For leavin' ya like that. I didn't know...
[ he can't sit there any longer, pulling izō into a tight hug. ryouma wants to comfort him, but it's honestly hard to tell who is comforting who because he feels like he'll fly apart if he lets go too soon. he knows izō can feel that he's struggling too, since he's shaking from the effort. he can't help but feel ashamed because even if he's managed to hold back his own tears so far he thought he'd outgrown showing this sort of weakness — especially when he feels like he should be stronger for the both of them right now. ryouma supposes it can't be helped. ]
I won't leave. I can't—... no, I won't let it happen again. I promise.
[ he doesn't know why he's making promises when he'd just come away from his meeting knowing he's no one and there's so much that's out of his hands. it's stupid and dangerous but anything less doesn't feel like enough. ]
[ The hug is a surprise and an unwelcome one at that. Izō wants to be pissed off at him, not feeling so conflicted like he is right now. His body stiffens up, resisting the urge give in. That lasts all of five seconds, though, as he hugs Ryouma tightly. That doesn't mean it comes without further token resistance in the form of a few weak hits against Ryouma's back. ]
...Ya can't keep that promise. [ Weakly muttered into the crook of Ryouma's neck. ] Ya know that...
[ That doesn't mean he won't cling to it like his life depends on it. ]
[ he knows. that's what he wants to think. that would be the easy way, just to accept things as they are. but then he remembers that it's not for or about him, it's for izō and so failure isn't an option. ryouma is nothing if not determined. ]
That's not true. Who says I can't keep it? I can't change the past, but I can make it right goin' forward...
[ he's not moving so long as izō will allow it, even if it does make him uncomfortably aware of how pathetically touch starved he's become since he's been here. it's just something else to make up to izō for later. ]
[ Izō will allow it for awhile longer because it's comforting. On some level, he knows Ryouma's lonely. Part of him was ripped away when he came here. He can't even begin to imagine how much that hurts. Oryou's absence is like a gaping hole. Izō, on the other hand, has a boyfriend and a girlfriend, people he can turn to when he needs their help and comfort. He's a poor substitute for Oryou, but if it helps Ryouma, he'll continue to be that poor substitute. ]
...Don't matter what I say now. Ya made up yer mind. [ For better or worse. ] If ya break that promise, I'll kill ya...
[ But for now, he just wants to cling to Ryouma like a life preserver in the deep water. Something real to cling to. ]
[ ryouma sounds happier about it than he probably ought to, given that it's a threat and all, but it's just izō's way. it's the acceptance that really matters. ]
Besides, y' ain't a Servant no more so I gotta get it right this time [ no do-overs. ] I'd offer t' let ya take a swing at me anyway, but I like it like this better...
[ Izō settles down after a few more moments of them holding each other. Now comes the time for him to be fussy again. He backs away, wiping at his eyes. ]
Ain't got it in me t' hurt ya right now...Thank yer lucky stars for that. [ And another gentle punch in the ribs. ] Idiot.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ which he realises just in saying so is wildly optimistic, especially if his theories are correct. can't hurt to hope? ]
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[ He does care. He cares a lot. ]
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[ he won't end up dead if he's harder to kill? this is not an ideal way of looking at it. his voice gets quieter when he speaks again. ]
Anyway, I'm not being too careless. I can't help but feel like the Daitengu's counting on me.
[ he doesn't like admitting it and probably wouldn't admit it to anyone else because it sounds too self-important. mostly it's the pressure he's been imposing on himself which has not improved since the Daitengu called him out by name. ]
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[ he's not deflecting... izō doesn't sound like the wants to talk about that anyway!! ]
It could have been worse..?
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[ Is Izō scolding him?? What is this world coming to? ]
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[ which is, of course, a silly thing to say to a guy who definitely gets aggressive when someone just wants to get to know him but still. ]
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[ It doesn't have to be long. The whole mess rattled Izō pretty badly; he just wants to see the people he cares about. ]
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I've always got time for you, Izō.
[ he's said that before, in other ways, but he feels like he needs to say it again right now. ]
You can come here if you want or I can meet you. Guess it depends on what you feel like drinking, hm?
[ he's been violating doctor's orders this long, why stop now? ]
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[ It's not good, by any means, but it exists and it is capable of getting them drunk, so it's fine. ]
Better not be this soft when I get over there.
[ Because he can't handle it in person. It's bad enough over the phone. ]
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he only has the one room but it sure is in a state. it's fine. he has time. ]
Er... sorry. [ see? it's funny. he's laughing. ] Wouldn't worry about that! Here, I'll send you the address.
[ the good news is with everything going on, there's unlikely to be anyone around to give izō a hard time. ryouma's planned ahead for the possibility that izō might come around some time, so someone somewhere has izō's name on a list (probably) anyway. ]
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Ya better not make me regret comin' by.
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there's a big bag of garbage by the door and he never got around to gathering up a lot of instant cup noodle debris but whatever. he has been very legitimately busy even before the assassination fiasco. that ryouma bothers to fold his uniform neatly in the midst of this shows where his priorities are, maybe? or it's just a weird habit he's come to develop at some point. in any case, ryouma is sticking to kimonos because it's less uncomfortable to take them on and off at the moment, but it's not the same one he wore to the parade.
seeing as he bled on that one.]Now, why would that happen? [ don't answer that. ] Everything's fine, see?
[ he has definitely looked worse. and better. but that's not important, focus on the fact that he's looked worse. ]
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Is it? [ He shoves the bottle into Ryouma's hand. ] Don't fuckin' lie...Ya look like shit.
[ Like Izō doesn't. Karasu spent a lot of time in control and that took a lot out of him. ]
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fortunately, izō shoves the bottle into ryouma's good hand because he's favouring the other. he'd kept right on like everything was normal all night and now he's paying for it. it's resting in the sling he should've been using the whole time, but since he usually keeps his left arm like that anyway he doesn't feel compelled to immediately explain himself either. not like it's a big deal.
ryouma sets the bottle on the low table and only has to grab a couple of clean cups down off a shelf, having bought some since he figured this exact thing might happen some day. ]
Then I guess we both deserve a break. It's hard to believe today hasn't been longer than just an exhausting day.
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Ya went and get yerself hurt, didn't ya? ...Idiot.
[ The solution is to be a pain in the ass, of course. ]
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It's not that bad, honestly! I was supposed to be resting it but I was busy so I hadn't had a chance to until now. It's just a little sore, that's all.
[ he doesn't mind izō giving him a hard time at all. it's comforting, if anything, how normal and familiar it feels when nothing else does. ]
Glad you're here, Izō...
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And now Ryouma is acting like this isn't a big deal. It's taking all of his strength to keep the tears at bay. He's so tired and exhausted and stretched thin. The sake burns worse than the tears stinging his eyes and he likes it that way. ]
Yer gonna get yerself killed, ya idiot! Then where's that gonna leave me, huh?! I jus' get t' see ya again an' then yer gone! [ Where the fuck is this anger coming from? It surprises even him with the intensity. He doesn't have the excuse of being drunk for his tears. ] Don't be so fuckin' reckless!
[ And then weaker as he wipes at his eyes in shame. ]
...Don't fuckin' leave me again.
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[ it's less that he actually says anything and more that the breath escapes him all at once and he doesn't know what to say. which is weird because he usually likes to think he can always find something to say. ]
M' sorry, Izō. I—...
[ he's not sure what he's apologising for. for getting shot? for worrying him, sure. ryouma realises he's sat up properly at some point, his head bowed and his hands on his knees because he's trained himself to be whatever or whoever he's had to be for so long and it feels all wrong. it's too much to take, one too far for as long as he's held it together but since it's not in his nature to give up he's fighting it all the way down. ]
For all of it. For leavin' ya like that. I didn't know...
[ he can't sit there any longer, pulling izō into a tight hug. ryouma wants to comfort him, but it's honestly hard to tell who is comforting who because he feels like he'll fly apart if he lets go too soon. he knows izō can feel that he's struggling too, since he's shaking from the effort. he can't help but feel ashamed because even if he's managed to hold back his own tears so far he thought he'd outgrown showing this sort of weakness — especially when he feels like he should be stronger for the both of them right now. ryouma supposes it can't be helped. ]
I won't leave. I can't—... no, I won't let it happen again. I promise.
[ he doesn't know why he's making promises when he'd just come away from his meeting knowing he's no one and there's so much that's out of his hands. it's stupid and dangerous but anything less doesn't feel like enough. ]
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...Ya can't keep that promise. [ Weakly muttered into the crook of Ryouma's neck. ] Ya know that...
[ That doesn't mean he won't cling to it like his life depends on it. ]
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That's not true. Who says I can't keep it? I can't change the past, but I can make it right goin' forward...
[ he's not moving so long as izō will allow it, even if it does make him uncomfortably aware of how pathetically touch starved he's become since he's been here. it's just something else to make up to izō for later. ]
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...Don't matter what I say now. Ya made up yer mind. [ For better or worse. ] If ya break that promise, I'll kill ya...
[ But for now, he just wants to cling to Ryouma like a life preserver in the deep water. Something real to cling to. ]
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[ ryouma sounds happier about it than he probably ought to, given that it's a threat and all, but it's just izō's way. it's the acceptance that really matters. ]
Besides, y' ain't a Servant no more so I gotta get it right this time [ no do-overs. ] I'd offer t' let ya take a swing at me anyway, but I like it like this better...
[ much better than the last time. ]
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Ain't got it in me t' hurt ya right now...Thank yer lucky stars for that. [ And another gentle punch in the ribs. ] Idiot.
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