[ Izō settles down after a few more moments of them holding each other. Now comes the time for him to be fussy again. He backs away, wiping at his eyes. ]
Ain't got it in me t' hurt ya right now...Thank yer lucky stars for that. [ And another gentle punch in the ribs. ] Idiot.
[ he laughs now, the sort of awkward laughter that's still a little unsteady but it's nice anyway. ]
I'll be more careful next time!
[ hopefully there won't be a next time, but he's already said it. ]
Now I get what we're dealing with, so I'll be prepared. I got caught with my guard down, I'll admit. I guess this is that kind of world too.
[ sure, one could say he should have expected this considering where they are, but it's not like he goes around to places expecting people to get gunned down in the street. ]
[ he makes an innocent face. why would izō think he'd downplay it? .... only he already knows izō is right so he sighs and leans on the table. ]
Mostly it surprised me when it all happened...
[ which is vague and obvious because who wasn't surprised? it's the part where he completely froze when it all happened that he doesn't want to mention because he isn't sure what to think of it himself. ]
There was so much steam and everyone was yellin', so it wasn't easy to know what was what right away. Didn't think I'd be good for much tryin' to check on the Daitengu, so I tried goin' after the assassins instead...
[ in the heat of the moment, this decision made sense. ]
We didn't expect 'em to be as well-organised as they turned out to be. They refused to leave anybody behind, which I guess is admirable in its own way. Anyway, a shot went a little wide and I got grazed, that's all. Nothin' serious! It'll be sore a while longer and then it'll be like it never happened. I just pushed it too much today and now I'm payin' for it.
[ Ryouma's story sounds about right. Sticking his neck out trying to help out his clan...
Izō sits in sulky silence for a bit. He should be grateful it wasn't worse, but he's just angry. It's misplaced anger, of course, but that doesn't mean he's not going to vent it. ]
An' yer jus' gonna do it again when somethin' else like this goes down! How long 'til ya fuckin' die, huh? [ They're treading the same ground. It always comes back to this. ] Jus' think for a minute before ya do shit...
Sorry for worrying you, Izō. I'm just not so good at being careful. [ another apologetic smile. ] But I do think, it's just the answer ends up being the same.
[ he pours again because they're both going to need it. ]
You think this contract business is for real? [ this probably comes out of nowhere, but internally, he's thinking about it. ] I—... really, nothing changes. But it seems too good to be true sometimes, doesn't it?
[ ryouma has no idea what izō is working for, but he's working for the only thing he has ever worked for. can it really be that easy? if there's even a chance he has to give it his all. ]
In any case, I'm more careful than I used to be. I keep my gun on me all the time now.
[ neither of these things is what he's expecting and it shows. ]
Really? Not at all? Then—...
[ he wants to yell "what's the point?!" because the feeling builds up in his chest all of a sudden out of nowhere. that's how he's felt about where he's ended up, just doing things because he has to do them. ryouma does it because he figures someone has to but it doesn't mean he'd wish it on anyone else either.
he manages to suppress the urge and asks a different question instead. ]
What about what you want?
[ ryouma realises he's gotten so internally worked up about one thing he's forgotten that izō had asked him something else too. ]
It matters. Don't expect ya to believe me, but it matters...
[ to me, is the unspoken addition he won't—... no, can't say right now. it makes the realisation that izō has people he cares about enough to mention outright a little bittersweet; ryouma will always be happy for izō but he also doesn't assume that he's included in that. it's a dumb, unfair feeling to have, he thinks, because if there should ever be a time when izō moves on without him the only thing he can do is accept it gracefully. that's exactly what he would deserve.
but then none of this feels good and he wishes he hadn't brought any of it up to begin with. ]
Is that what ya wanna hear? I gave 'em a choice like I always do.
[ None of this feels good for Izō, either. He's so full of conflicting and confusing emotions that need to be covered up with as much liquor as he can handle before they explode out of him again. ]
I jus' wanna know if yer willin' t' do what ya gotta...Ain't always gonna end with 'em makin' th' choice ya want.
[ He can't even look at Ryouma now. Why are they doing this? Why did he think this was a good idea? ]
[ ryouma is glad izō won't look at him right now. he probably has an awful expression because he recalls easily the times it ended with the choice he didn't want. he'd had oryou with him then for much of it but he ends up staring down at his hands at some point. a servant's body erases the scars but not the memories; the first time had been when he was still human and the only person who could save him was himself — the only choice was living or dying. ]
I can do what I need to do... if I must. It's just never gonna be my first choice.
[ this is a stupid question because he already knows the answer but this is a desperate attempt to not spiral more even if that's where it's probably headed. has anything gotten better with more drinking when it's already like this? ]
Why can't it work out? Why can't it go better this time..?
I'm so tired of death...
[ the last isn't really for izō at all. ryouma is feeling the sake and the words sort of sigh out of him because he's carried around so much for so long and it's hard not to feel the weight of it all right now. ]
... Sorry, Izō. That's gonna start tasting sour if I keep goin' like that, huh?
[ can't let himself make it worse if he can help it. ]
[ he almost says "it's me" because that's true but it just sounds too cliche to be tolerable. ]
I really believe it's different now. That means if there's gonna be 'big shit' I want ya t' be a part of it with me, Izō. I know I'm complainin' but I'm happier here than I've been in a long while.
[ he realises how that probably sounds so he continues, but his voice is even quieter. ]
'Course I miss Oryou all the time an' nothing's gonna change that. But you're here too, Izō, and I'm glad. Plus with the work I've been doing here..? I'm startin' t' feel a little like myself again, I think.
[ the only people he doesn't strictly talk business with so far are hizen and izō, so he has both of them to thank for the feeling like things are improving despite where they are. ]
[ Improving, huh? For Izō, anything that isn't Hakagemachi is better than where he was. Wasn't Ryouma happier not being in Hell? He had Oryou...He should still have her. It's not fair he has to be here without with.
Izō continues to drink because that'll fix things. ]
...That so? [ Though he has to ask... ] Why d'ya feel happier here? I don't get it.
I had another job for a long time before I ever ended up in Chaldea.
[ he knows he can't hold his liquor like izō can but he still empties the cup once, refills it, and then works on the second. it's not like he didn't ever anticipate having to talk about this but maybe not under these circumstances? ]
I wanted to save people but that's not how it was. It was always too late and all I ended up doing was cleaning up other people's messes. I was angry 'cause all I wanted to do was create the world everyone had been dreaming of but I thought I'd failed—...
[ he cuts himself short because he's treading dangerously close to admitting what happened in the end. he knows he won't be able to avoid it forever — especially not discussing what they are — but no need to rush. he'd thought he'd failed for a long time because why else had it come to this? it wasn't until coming here when he'd really given it more thought that he realised his situation had just been convenient. ]
I wasn't gonna give up but I wasn't real hopeful about figurin' it out any time soon either. I can actually help out around here. Plus, Hizen told me things weren't like how I thought they were. So... of course, I'm happier now. It's hard not t' be. And... y'know... Oryou'll turn up one day, right? She's always followed me!
[ toxic positivity in this area is how he's gotten by this long. ]
[ Izō stares into his sake cup for a minute before calling bullshit on that last part. It's easier to yell and be defiant than it is to think about the implications of anything Ryouma just said. ]
Idiot...Yer lonelier'n ever without her. 'S why ya keep comin' t' find me an' why yer keepin' yerself so fuckin' busy.
[ for someone who claims to not be good with words, izō really managed to hit him as surely as if he'd just stabbed him. ]
I come t' find ya 'cause I wanna see you, Izō.
[ he can't deny the rest though so he doesn't bother. ]
It'd be easy if all I did was miss her—...
[ but it hurts like a phantom limb and he doesn't know how to begin to fix it. he doesn't even want to admit the weakness; it might not be crying but whining about things to izō still sort of feels the same. he's just going to forget he said that at all. ]
I'm busy 'cause it's what I've gotta do. It's the only reason I'm here.
[ ryouma praises izō's abilities because he truly believes in them. occasionally, though, he's way more perceptive than ryouma would prefer — like right now. ]
It's kinda like when I got hurt a long time ago..? They fixed me up but it wasn't the same anymore after that. It'd ache, especially with the weather, which is the stupidest way t' ever know it's gonna rain. [ more half-hearted attempts to lighten the mood somehow... ] It was frustratin' 'cause I'd think "why can't it just heal?" but it never really did, I jus' got better at ignorin' it.
[ ryouma detached himself from that whole ordeal back then, so talking about it now just makes it easier not to think about the way izō put it. he steadies his voice and refills their drinks. carrying on, as he does. he's had a long time to get good at it. ]
It can't be helped. Anyway, that doesn't even matter. [ what is he if not a master of compartmentalising everything? ] I feel worse knowin' she's out there somewhere probably thinkin' I left her alone again...
[ Izō empties his cup. This isn't helping either of them -- not the drinks, not the conversation, and not Izō being here. That's what he tells himself, anyway. He just keeps saying things to make it all worse. ]
...Alright. Since yer in one piece and ya ain't dead, I'm goin' home.
[ He abruptly stands up, too abruptly because he stumbles. It's nothing he can't recover from. ]
'Cause I'm pretty sure ya don't want me stayin' here much longer.
[ it comes out too rushed and too desperate and it's followed almost at once by a hot wash of shame. this isn't what he wanted. this is why he doesn't talk about himself. ]
M'sorry, Izō... I want ya t'stay. Please..? I'll talk about somethin' else. Anythin' y' want...
[ he's mostly kept staring down at the floor all this time but now he does his best to offer a smile, even if it's far from his best. attempts were made. ]
Pissed Hizen off once gettin' like that too. Think I'd know better, huh?
[ There's something so pathetic about Ryouma's behavior that it makes him angry. The anger settles down into...pity is the wrong word for it. Izō isn't quite sure what he's feeling. A mixture of guilt and irritation made worse by how drunk he is. ]
...Shut up. I'll stay. [ He slowly sits back down with an annoyed grunt. ] ...Too drunk t' walk home, anyway.
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Ain't got it in me t' hurt ya right now...Thank yer lucky stars for that. [ And another gentle punch in the ribs. ] Idiot.
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I'll be more careful next time!
[ hopefully there won't be a next time, but he's already said it. ]
Now I get what we're dealing with, so I'll be prepared. I got caught with my guard down, I'll admit. I guess this is that kind of world too.
[ sure, one could say he should have expected this considering where they are, but it's not like he goes around to places expecting people to get gunned down in the street. ]
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[ The look Izō gives him says he's serious about that. ]
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Mostly it surprised me when it all happened...
[ which is vague and obvious because who wasn't surprised? it's the part where he completely froze when it all happened that he doesn't want to mention because he isn't sure what to think of it himself. ]
There was so much steam and everyone was yellin', so it wasn't easy to know what was what right away. Didn't think I'd be good for much tryin' to check on the Daitengu, so I tried goin' after the assassins instead...
[ in the heat of the moment, this decision made sense. ]
We didn't expect 'em to be as well-organised as they turned out to be. They refused to leave anybody behind, which I guess is admirable in its own way. Anyway, a shot went a little wide and I got grazed, that's all. Nothin' serious! It'll be sore a while longer and then it'll be like it never happened. I just pushed it too much today and now I'm payin' for it.
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Izō sits in sulky silence for a bit. He should be grateful it wasn't worse, but he's just angry. It's misplaced anger, of course, but that doesn't mean he's not going to vent it. ]
An' yer jus' gonna do it again when somethin' else like this goes down! How long 'til ya fuckin' die, huh? [ They're treading the same ground. It always comes back to this. ] Jus' think for a minute before ya do shit...
[ Rich coming from Izō. ]
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[ he pours again because they're both going to need it. ]
You think this contract business is for real? [ this probably comes out of nowhere, but internally, he's thinking about it. ] I—... really, nothing changes. But it seems too good to be true sometimes, doesn't it?
[ ryouma has no idea what izō is working for, but he's working for the only thing he has ever worked for. can it really be that easy? if there's even a chance he has to give it his all. ]
In any case, I'm more careful than I used to be. I keep my gun on me all the time now.
[ this is really not something to be proud of?? ]
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[ Not that he's going to discuss what his contract deal is. That's his business alone. Izō just...drinks instead of thinking too much. ]
An' d'ya think yer actually gonna use it when ya need to? Or are ya gonna hesitate?
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Really? Not at all? Then—...
[ he wants to yell "what's the point?!" because the feeling builds up in his chest all of a sudden out of nowhere. that's how he's felt about where he's ended up, just doing things because he has to do them. ryouma does it because he figures someone has to but it doesn't mean he'd wish it on anyone else either.
he manages to suppress the urge and asks a different question instead. ]
What about what you want?
[ ryouma realises he's gotten so internally worked up about one thing he's forgotten that izō had asked him something else too. ]
... And you say that like I haven't ever used it.
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[ What matters is taking care of Majima and Emily first...And Ryouma and Hizen and Six. His own needs are forever secondary. ]
Ya killed someone with it? Huh?
[ Is he getting aggressive to get the attention off himself? Maybe. ]
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[ to me, is the unspoken addition he won't—... no, can't say right now. it makes the realisation that izō has people he cares about enough to mention outright a little bittersweet; ryouma will always be happy for izō but he also doesn't assume that he's included in that. it's a dumb, unfair feeling to have, he thinks, because if there should ever be a time when izō moves on without him the only thing he can do is accept it gracefully. that's exactly what he would deserve.
but then none of this feels good and he wishes he hadn't brought any of it up to begin with. ]
Is that what ya wanna hear? I gave 'em a choice like I always do.
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I jus' wanna know if yer willin' t' do what ya gotta...Ain't always gonna end with 'em makin' th' choice ya want.
[ He can't even look at Ryouma now. Why are they doing this? Why did he think this was a good idea? ]
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I can do what I need to do... if I must. It's just never gonna be my first choice.
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[ Drinking. More drinking. It puts a bandage on the gaping wound of how badly he feels right now. ]
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[ this is a stupid question because he already knows the answer but this is a desperate attempt to not spiral more even if that's where it's probably headed. has anything gotten better with more drinking when it's already like this? ]
Why can't it work out? Why can't it go better this time..?
I'm so tired of death...
[ the last isn't really for izō at all. ryouma is feeling the sake and the words sort of sigh out of him because he's carried around so much for so long and it's hard not to feel the weight of it all right now. ]
... Sorry, Izō. That's gonna start tasting sour if I keep goin' like that, huh?
[ can't let himself make it worse if he can help it. ]
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[ Spoken like a simple fact. The sour mood doesn't stop him from drinking. It's a better excuse to keep drinking. ]
Go off an' do th' big shit yer meant to do an' leave me here.
[ Circling the same point over and over again. ]
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[ he almost says "it's me" because that's true but it just sounds too cliche to be tolerable. ]
I really believe it's different now. That means if there's gonna be 'big shit' I want ya t' be a part of it with me, Izō. I know I'm complainin' but I'm happier here than I've been in a long while.
[ he realises how that probably sounds so he continues, but his voice is even quieter. ]
'Course I miss Oryou all the time an' nothing's gonna change that. But you're here too, Izō, and I'm glad. Plus with the work I've been doing here..? I'm startin' t' feel a little like myself again, I think.
[ the only people he doesn't strictly talk business with so far are hizen and izō, so he has both of them to thank for the feeling like things are improving despite where they are. ]
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Izō continues to drink because that'll fix things. ]
...That so? [ Though he has to ask... ] Why d'ya feel happier here? I don't get it.
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[ he knows he can't hold his liquor like izō can but he still empties the cup once, refills it, and then works on the second. it's not like he didn't ever anticipate having to talk about this but maybe not under these circumstances? ]
I wanted to save people but that's not how it was. It was always too late and all I ended up doing was cleaning up other people's messes. I was angry 'cause all I wanted to do was create the world everyone had been dreaming of but I thought I'd failed—...
[ he cuts himself short because he's treading dangerously close to admitting what happened in the end. he knows he won't be able to avoid it forever — especially not discussing what they are — but no need to rush. he'd thought he'd failed for a long time because why else had it come to this? it wasn't until coming here when he'd really given it more thought that he realised his situation had just been convenient. ]
I wasn't gonna give up but I wasn't real hopeful about figurin' it out any time soon either. I can actually help out around here. Plus, Hizen told me things weren't like how I thought they were. So... of course, I'm happier now. It's hard not t' be. And... y'know... Oryou'll turn up one day, right? She's always followed me!
[ toxic positivity in this area is how he's gotten by this long. ]
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Idiot...Yer lonelier'n ever without her. 'S why ya keep comin' t' find me an' why yer keepin' yerself so fuckin' busy.
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I come t' find ya 'cause I wanna see you, Izō.
[ he can't deny the rest though so he doesn't bother. ]
It'd be easy if all I did was miss her—...
[ but it hurts like a phantom limb and he doesn't know how to begin to fix it. he doesn't even want to admit the weakness; it might not be crying but whining about things to izō still sort of feels the same. he's just going to forget he said that at all. ]
I'm busy 'cause it's what I've gotta do. It's the only reason I'm here.
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...It's hurts, right? Without her here. Like a piece'a ya is missin'?
[ Why is he prying? Blame the fact he's drunk and wants to deflect any sort of attention from himself. ]
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It's kinda like when I got hurt a long time ago..? They fixed me up but it wasn't the same anymore after that. It'd ache, especially with the weather, which is the stupidest way t' ever know it's gonna rain. [ more half-hearted attempts to lighten the mood somehow... ] It was frustratin' 'cause I'd think "why can't it just heal?" but it never really did, I jus' got better at ignorin' it.
[ ryouma detached himself from that whole ordeal back then, so talking about it now just makes it easier not to think about the way izō put it. he steadies his voice and refills their drinks. carrying on, as he does. he's had a long time to get good at it. ]
It can't be helped. Anyway, that doesn't even matter. [ what is he if not a master of compartmentalising everything? ] I feel worse knowin' she's out there somewhere probably thinkin' I left her alone again...
[ it's an easy thing to say without thinking. ]
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...Alright. Since yer in one piece and ya ain't dead, I'm goin' home.
[ He abruptly stands up, too abruptly because he stumbles. It's nothing he can't recover from. ]
'Cause I'm pretty sure ya don't want me stayin' here much longer.
[ To say more things to make this hurt worse. ]
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[ it comes out too rushed and too desperate and it's followed almost at once by a hot wash of shame. this isn't what he wanted. this is why he doesn't talk about himself. ]
M'sorry, Izō... I want ya t'stay. Please..? I'll talk about somethin' else. Anythin' y' want...
[ he's mostly kept staring down at the floor all this time but now he does his best to offer a smile, even if it's far from his best. attempts were made. ]
Pissed Hizen off once gettin' like that too. Think I'd know better, huh?
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...Shut up. I'll stay. [ He slowly sits back down with an annoyed grunt. ] ...Too drunk t' walk home, anyway.
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