[ neither of these things is what he's expecting and it shows. ]
Really? Not at all? Then—...
[ he wants to yell "what's the point?!" because the feeling builds up in his chest all of a sudden out of nowhere. that's how he's felt about where he's ended up, just doing things because he has to do them. ryouma does it because he figures someone has to but it doesn't mean he'd wish it on anyone else either.
he manages to suppress the urge and asks a different question instead. ]
What about what you want?
[ ryouma realises he's gotten so internally worked up about one thing he's forgotten that izō had asked him something else too. ]
It matters. Don't expect ya to believe me, but it matters...
[ to me, is the unspoken addition he won't—... no, can't say right now. it makes the realisation that izō has people he cares about enough to mention outright a little bittersweet; ryouma will always be happy for izō but he also doesn't assume that he's included in that. it's a dumb, unfair feeling to have, he thinks, because if there should ever be a time when izō moves on without him the only thing he can do is accept it gracefully. that's exactly what he would deserve.
but then none of this feels good and he wishes he hadn't brought any of it up to begin with. ]
Is that what ya wanna hear? I gave 'em a choice like I always do.
[ None of this feels good for Izō, either. He's so full of conflicting and confusing emotions that need to be covered up with as much liquor as he can handle before they explode out of him again. ]
I jus' wanna know if yer willin' t' do what ya gotta...Ain't always gonna end with 'em makin' th' choice ya want.
[ He can't even look at Ryouma now. Why are they doing this? Why did he think this was a good idea? ]
[ ryouma is glad izō won't look at him right now. he probably has an awful expression because he recalls easily the times it ended with the choice he didn't want. he'd had oryou with him then for much of it but he ends up staring down at his hands at some point. a servant's body erases the scars but not the memories; the first time had been when he was still human and the only person who could save him was himself — the only choice was living or dying. ]
I can do what I need to do... if I must. It's just never gonna be my first choice.
[ this is a stupid question because he already knows the answer but this is a desperate attempt to not spiral more even if that's where it's probably headed. has anything gotten better with more drinking when it's already like this? ]
Why can't it work out? Why can't it go better this time..?
I'm so tired of death...
[ the last isn't really for izō at all. ryouma is feeling the sake and the words sort of sigh out of him because he's carried around so much for so long and it's hard not to feel the weight of it all right now. ]
... Sorry, Izō. That's gonna start tasting sour if I keep goin' like that, huh?
[ can't let himself make it worse if he can help it. ]
[ he almost says "it's me" because that's true but it just sounds too cliche to be tolerable. ]
I really believe it's different now. That means if there's gonna be 'big shit' I want ya t' be a part of it with me, Izō. I know I'm complainin' but I'm happier here than I've been in a long while.
[ he realises how that probably sounds so he continues, but his voice is even quieter. ]
'Course I miss Oryou all the time an' nothing's gonna change that. But you're here too, Izō, and I'm glad. Plus with the work I've been doing here..? I'm startin' t' feel a little like myself again, I think.
[ the only people he doesn't strictly talk business with so far are hizen and izō, so he has both of them to thank for the feeling like things are improving despite where they are. ]
[ Improving, huh? For Izō, anything that isn't Hakagemachi is better than where he was. Wasn't Ryouma happier not being in Hell? He had Oryou...He should still have her. It's not fair he has to be here without with.
Izō continues to drink because that'll fix things. ]
...That so? [ Though he has to ask... ] Why d'ya feel happier here? I don't get it.
I had another job for a long time before I ever ended up in Chaldea.
[ he knows he can't hold his liquor like izō can but he still empties the cup once, refills it, and then works on the second. it's not like he didn't ever anticipate having to talk about this but maybe not under these circumstances? ]
I wanted to save people but that's not how it was. It was always too late and all I ended up doing was cleaning up other people's messes. I was angry 'cause all I wanted to do was create the world everyone had been dreaming of but I thought I'd failed—...
[ he cuts himself short because he's treading dangerously close to admitting what happened in the end. he knows he won't be able to avoid it forever — especially not discussing what they are — but no need to rush. he'd thought he'd failed for a long time because why else had it come to this? it wasn't until coming here when he'd really given it more thought that he realised his situation had just been convenient. ]
I wasn't gonna give up but I wasn't real hopeful about figurin' it out any time soon either. I can actually help out around here. Plus, Hizen told me things weren't like how I thought they were. So... of course, I'm happier now. It's hard not t' be. And... y'know... Oryou'll turn up one day, right? She's always followed me!
[ toxic positivity in this area is how he's gotten by this long. ]
[ Izō stares into his sake cup for a minute before calling bullshit on that last part. It's easier to yell and be defiant than it is to think about the implications of anything Ryouma just said. ]
Idiot...Yer lonelier'n ever without her. 'S why ya keep comin' t' find me an' why yer keepin' yerself so fuckin' busy.
[ for someone who claims to not be good with words, izō really managed to hit him as surely as if he'd just stabbed him. ]
I come t' find ya 'cause I wanna see you, Izō.
[ he can't deny the rest though so he doesn't bother. ]
It'd be easy if all I did was miss her—...
[ but it hurts like a phantom limb and he doesn't know how to begin to fix it. he doesn't even want to admit the weakness; it might not be crying but whining about things to izō still sort of feels the same. he's just going to forget he said that at all. ]
I'm busy 'cause it's what I've gotta do. It's the only reason I'm here.
[ ryouma praises izō's abilities because he truly believes in them. occasionally, though, he's way more perceptive than ryouma would prefer — like right now. ]
It's kinda like when I got hurt a long time ago..? They fixed me up but it wasn't the same anymore after that. It'd ache, especially with the weather, which is the stupidest way t' ever know it's gonna rain. [ more half-hearted attempts to lighten the mood somehow... ] It was frustratin' 'cause I'd think "why can't it just heal?" but it never really did, I jus' got better at ignorin' it.
[ ryouma detached himself from that whole ordeal back then, so talking about it now just makes it easier not to think about the way izō put it. he steadies his voice and refills their drinks. carrying on, as he does. he's had a long time to get good at it. ]
It can't be helped. Anyway, that doesn't even matter. [ what is he if not a master of compartmentalising everything? ] I feel worse knowin' she's out there somewhere probably thinkin' I left her alone again...
[ Izō empties his cup. This isn't helping either of them -- not the drinks, not the conversation, and not Izō being here. That's what he tells himself, anyway. He just keeps saying things to make it all worse. ]
...Alright. Since yer in one piece and ya ain't dead, I'm goin' home.
[ He abruptly stands up, too abruptly because he stumbles. It's nothing he can't recover from. ]
'Cause I'm pretty sure ya don't want me stayin' here much longer.
[ it comes out too rushed and too desperate and it's followed almost at once by a hot wash of shame. this isn't what he wanted. this is why he doesn't talk about himself. ]
M'sorry, Izō... I want ya t'stay. Please..? I'll talk about somethin' else. Anythin' y' want...
[ he's mostly kept staring down at the floor all this time but now he does his best to offer a smile, even if it's far from his best. attempts were made. ]
Pissed Hizen off once gettin' like that too. Think I'd know better, huh?
[ There's something so pathetic about Ryouma's behavior that it makes him angry. The anger settles down into...pity is the wrong word for it. Izō isn't quite sure what he's feeling. A mixture of guilt and irritation made worse by how drunk he is. ]
...Shut up. I'll stay. [ He slowly sits back down with an annoyed grunt. ] ...Too drunk t' walk home, anyway.
Now I know I'm in trouble if you're the one tellin' me t' quit drinkin'...
[ it's funny but he also has been drinking more tonight than he usually does, for obvious reasons. this also doesn't deter him from making sure the remainder of what's in his cup doesn't go to waste but then that's that.
ryouma goes to get up which amounts to him almost immediately sitting back down again because thanks to all that sake his legs are a little slow to get the memo that he actually wants to use them now. it's fine. ]
[ Muttered as he wanders off in the direction of Ryouma's futon so he can flop down on it face first and take up most of the space. Have fun moving him. ]
Aw, ya know I've never been able t' keep up with ya for real.
[ he's trying!! even if this is arguably not something he should really be aspiring to do better on, at least in the direction where he drinks more. in any case, he makes his way over one way or another. he doesn't move izō mostly because trying to coordinate himself to do that right now is debatable at best and because he wants to be close to izō anyway. ryouma is content to end up somewhere half on what's left of the futon and half draped on top of izō. ]
[ Izō grumbles something and shifts so they're both in a more comfortable position. "More comfortable", in this case, means he latches onto Ryouma like he's a body pillow. Warm and familiar to hug and it helps soothe the worry he had about Ryouma's safety.
It's a bandaid on the gaping wound that is their complicated relationship at the moment, but one he'll gladly take. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Really? Not at all? Then—...
[ he wants to yell "what's the point?!" because the feeling builds up in his chest all of a sudden out of nowhere. that's how he's felt about where he's ended up, just doing things because he has to do them. ryouma does it because he figures someone has to but it doesn't mean he'd wish it on anyone else either.
he manages to suppress the urge and asks a different question instead. ]
What about what you want?
[ ryouma realises he's gotten so internally worked up about one thing he's forgotten that izō had asked him something else too. ]
... And you say that like I haven't ever used it.
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[ What matters is taking care of Majima and Emily first...And Ryouma and Hizen and Six. His own needs are forever secondary. ]
Ya killed someone with it? Huh?
[ Is he getting aggressive to get the attention off himself? Maybe. ]
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[ to me, is the unspoken addition he won't—... no, can't say right now. it makes the realisation that izō has people he cares about enough to mention outright a little bittersweet; ryouma will always be happy for izō but he also doesn't assume that he's included in that. it's a dumb, unfair feeling to have, he thinks, because if there should ever be a time when izō moves on without him the only thing he can do is accept it gracefully. that's exactly what he would deserve.
but then none of this feels good and he wishes he hadn't brought any of it up to begin with. ]
Is that what ya wanna hear? I gave 'em a choice like I always do.
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I jus' wanna know if yer willin' t' do what ya gotta...Ain't always gonna end with 'em makin' th' choice ya want.
[ He can't even look at Ryouma now. Why are they doing this? Why did he think this was a good idea? ]
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I can do what I need to do... if I must. It's just never gonna be my first choice.
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[ Drinking. More drinking. It puts a bandage on the gaping wound of how badly he feels right now. ]
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[ this is a stupid question because he already knows the answer but this is a desperate attempt to not spiral more even if that's where it's probably headed. has anything gotten better with more drinking when it's already like this? ]
Why can't it work out? Why can't it go better this time..?
I'm so tired of death...
[ the last isn't really for izō at all. ryouma is feeling the sake and the words sort of sigh out of him because he's carried around so much for so long and it's hard not to feel the weight of it all right now. ]
... Sorry, Izō. That's gonna start tasting sour if I keep goin' like that, huh?
[ can't let himself make it worse if he can help it. ]
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[ Spoken like a simple fact. The sour mood doesn't stop him from drinking. It's a better excuse to keep drinking. ]
Go off an' do th' big shit yer meant to do an' leave me here.
[ Circling the same point over and over again. ]
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[ he almost says "it's me" because that's true but it just sounds too cliche to be tolerable. ]
I really believe it's different now. That means if there's gonna be 'big shit' I want ya t' be a part of it with me, Izō. I know I'm complainin' but I'm happier here than I've been in a long while.
[ he realises how that probably sounds so he continues, but his voice is even quieter. ]
'Course I miss Oryou all the time an' nothing's gonna change that. But you're here too, Izō, and I'm glad. Plus with the work I've been doing here..? I'm startin' t' feel a little like myself again, I think.
[ the only people he doesn't strictly talk business with so far are hizen and izō, so he has both of them to thank for the feeling like things are improving despite where they are. ]
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Izō continues to drink because that'll fix things. ]
...That so? [ Though he has to ask... ] Why d'ya feel happier here? I don't get it.
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[ he knows he can't hold his liquor like izō can but he still empties the cup once, refills it, and then works on the second. it's not like he didn't ever anticipate having to talk about this but maybe not under these circumstances? ]
I wanted to save people but that's not how it was. It was always too late and all I ended up doing was cleaning up other people's messes. I was angry 'cause all I wanted to do was create the world everyone had been dreaming of but I thought I'd failed—...
[ he cuts himself short because he's treading dangerously close to admitting what happened in the end. he knows he won't be able to avoid it forever — especially not discussing what they are — but no need to rush. he'd thought he'd failed for a long time because why else had it come to this? it wasn't until coming here when he'd really given it more thought that he realised his situation had just been convenient. ]
I wasn't gonna give up but I wasn't real hopeful about figurin' it out any time soon either. I can actually help out around here. Plus, Hizen told me things weren't like how I thought they were. So... of course, I'm happier now. It's hard not t' be. And... y'know... Oryou'll turn up one day, right? She's always followed me!
[ toxic positivity in this area is how he's gotten by this long. ]
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Idiot...Yer lonelier'n ever without her. 'S why ya keep comin' t' find me an' why yer keepin' yerself so fuckin' busy.
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I come t' find ya 'cause I wanna see you, Izō.
[ he can't deny the rest though so he doesn't bother. ]
It'd be easy if all I did was miss her—...
[ but it hurts like a phantom limb and he doesn't know how to begin to fix it. he doesn't even want to admit the weakness; it might not be crying but whining about things to izō still sort of feels the same. he's just going to forget he said that at all. ]
I'm busy 'cause it's what I've gotta do. It's the only reason I'm here.
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...It's hurts, right? Without her here. Like a piece'a ya is missin'?
[ Why is he prying? Blame the fact he's drunk and wants to deflect any sort of attention from himself. ]
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It's kinda like when I got hurt a long time ago..? They fixed me up but it wasn't the same anymore after that. It'd ache, especially with the weather, which is the stupidest way t' ever know it's gonna rain. [ more half-hearted attempts to lighten the mood somehow... ] It was frustratin' 'cause I'd think "why can't it just heal?" but it never really did, I jus' got better at ignorin' it.
[ ryouma detached himself from that whole ordeal back then, so talking about it now just makes it easier not to think about the way izō put it. he steadies his voice and refills their drinks. carrying on, as he does. he's had a long time to get good at it. ]
It can't be helped. Anyway, that doesn't even matter. [ what is he if not a master of compartmentalising everything? ] I feel worse knowin' she's out there somewhere probably thinkin' I left her alone again...
[ it's an easy thing to say without thinking. ]
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...Alright. Since yer in one piece and ya ain't dead, I'm goin' home.
[ He abruptly stands up, too abruptly because he stumbles. It's nothing he can't recover from. ]
'Cause I'm pretty sure ya don't want me stayin' here much longer.
[ To say more things to make this hurt worse. ]
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[ it comes out too rushed and too desperate and it's followed almost at once by a hot wash of shame. this isn't what he wanted. this is why he doesn't talk about himself. ]
M'sorry, Izō... I want ya t'stay. Please..? I'll talk about somethin' else. Anythin' y' want...
[ he's mostly kept staring down at the floor all this time but now he does his best to offer a smile, even if it's far from his best. attempts were made. ]
Pissed Hizen off once gettin' like that too. Think I'd know better, huh?
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...Shut up. I'll stay. [ He slowly sits back down with an annoyed grunt. ] ...Too drunk t' walk home, anyway.
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[ despite being told to shut up, ryouma can't not say it, imposing on izō like he is. he says it quietly, at least. ]
I know it's not much, but make yourself at home.
[ mostly it's an open invitation to drink his drinks and eat his food and sleep on his futon. ]
Someday soon I'll get something better.
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[ Yes, that's an invitation to come cuddle with him. It'll settle them both down, surely. ]
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[ it's funny but he also has been drinking more tonight than he usually does, for obvious reasons. this also doesn't deter him from making sure the remainder of what's in his cup doesn't go to waste but then that's that.
ryouma goes to get up which amounts to him almost immediately sitting back down again because thanks to all that sake his legs are a little slow to get the memo that he actually wants to use them now. it's fine. ]
I will. I'm comin'. In a minute..?
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[ Muttered as he wanders off in the direction of Ryouma's futon so he can flop down on it face first and take up most of the space. Have fun moving him. ]
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[ he's trying!! even if this is arguably not something he should really be aspiring to do better on, at least in the direction where he drinks more. in any case, he makes his way over one way or another. he doesn't move izō mostly because trying to coordinate himself to do that right now is debatable at best and because he wants to be close to izō anyway. ryouma is content to end up somewhere half on what's left of the futon and half draped on top of izō. ]
S' better.
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It's a bandaid on the gaping wound that is their complicated relationship at the moment, but one he'll gladly take. ]
...Now shut up for once in yer fuckin' life.