I had another job for a long time before I ever ended up in Chaldea.
[ he knows he can't hold his liquor like izō can but he still empties the cup once, refills it, and then works on the second. it's not like he didn't ever anticipate having to talk about this but maybe not under these circumstances? ]
I wanted to save people but that's not how it was. It was always too late and all I ended up doing was cleaning up other people's messes. I was angry 'cause all I wanted to do was create the world everyone had been dreaming of but I thought I'd failed—...
[ he cuts himself short because he's treading dangerously close to admitting what happened in the end. he knows he won't be able to avoid it forever — especially not discussing what they are — but no need to rush. he'd thought he'd failed for a long time because why else had it come to this? it wasn't until coming here when he'd really given it more thought that he realised his situation had just been convenient. ]
I wasn't gonna give up but I wasn't real hopeful about figurin' it out any time soon either. I can actually help out around here. Plus, Hizen told me things weren't like how I thought they were. So... of course, I'm happier now. It's hard not t' be. And... y'know... Oryou'll turn up one day, right? She's always followed me!
[ toxic positivity in this area is how he's gotten by this long. ]
[ Izō stares into his sake cup for a minute before calling bullshit on that last part. It's easier to yell and be defiant than it is to think about the implications of anything Ryouma just said. ]
Idiot...Yer lonelier'n ever without her. 'S why ya keep comin' t' find me an' why yer keepin' yerself so fuckin' busy.
[ for someone who claims to not be good with words, izō really managed to hit him as surely as if he'd just stabbed him. ]
I come t' find ya 'cause I wanna see you, Izō.
[ he can't deny the rest though so he doesn't bother. ]
It'd be easy if all I did was miss her—...
[ but it hurts like a phantom limb and he doesn't know how to begin to fix it. he doesn't even want to admit the weakness; it might not be crying but whining about things to izō still sort of feels the same. he's just going to forget he said that at all. ]
I'm busy 'cause it's what I've gotta do. It's the only reason I'm here.
[ ryouma praises izō's abilities because he truly believes in them. occasionally, though, he's way more perceptive than ryouma would prefer — like right now. ]
It's kinda like when I got hurt a long time ago..? They fixed me up but it wasn't the same anymore after that. It'd ache, especially with the weather, which is the stupidest way t' ever know it's gonna rain. [ more half-hearted attempts to lighten the mood somehow... ] It was frustratin' 'cause I'd think "why can't it just heal?" but it never really did, I jus' got better at ignorin' it.
[ ryouma detached himself from that whole ordeal back then, so talking about it now just makes it easier not to think about the way izō put it. he steadies his voice and refills their drinks. carrying on, as he does. he's had a long time to get good at it. ]
It can't be helped. Anyway, that doesn't even matter. [ what is he if not a master of compartmentalising everything? ] I feel worse knowin' she's out there somewhere probably thinkin' I left her alone again...
[ Izō empties his cup. This isn't helping either of them -- not the drinks, not the conversation, and not Izō being here. That's what he tells himself, anyway. He just keeps saying things to make it all worse. ]
...Alright. Since yer in one piece and ya ain't dead, I'm goin' home.
[ He abruptly stands up, too abruptly because he stumbles. It's nothing he can't recover from. ]
'Cause I'm pretty sure ya don't want me stayin' here much longer.
[ it comes out too rushed and too desperate and it's followed almost at once by a hot wash of shame. this isn't what he wanted. this is why he doesn't talk about himself. ]
M'sorry, Izō... I want ya t'stay. Please..? I'll talk about somethin' else. Anythin' y' want...
[ he's mostly kept staring down at the floor all this time but now he does his best to offer a smile, even if it's far from his best. attempts were made. ]
Pissed Hizen off once gettin' like that too. Think I'd know better, huh?
[ There's something so pathetic about Ryouma's behavior that it makes him angry. The anger settles down into...pity is the wrong word for it. Izō isn't quite sure what he's feeling. A mixture of guilt and irritation made worse by how drunk he is. ]
...Shut up. I'll stay. [ He slowly sits back down with an annoyed grunt. ] ...Too drunk t' walk home, anyway.
Now I know I'm in trouble if you're the one tellin' me t' quit drinkin'...
[ it's funny but he also has been drinking more tonight than he usually does, for obvious reasons. this also doesn't deter him from making sure the remainder of what's in his cup doesn't go to waste but then that's that.
ryouma goes to get up which amounts to him almost immediately sitting back down again because thanks to all that sake his legs are a little slow to get the memo that he actually wants to use them now. it's fine. ]
[ Muttered as he wanders off in the direction of Ryouma's futon so he can flop down on it face first and take up most of the space. Have fun moving him. ]
Aw, ya know I've never been able t' keep up with ya for real.
[ he's trying!! even if this is arguably not something he should really be aspiring to do better on, at least in the direction where he drinks more. in any case, he makes his way over one way or another. he doesn't move izō mostly because trying to coordinate himself to do that right now is debatable at best and because he wants to be close to izō anyway. ryouma is content to end up somewhere half on what's left of the futon and half draped on top of izō. ]
[ Izō grumbles something and shifts so they're both in a more comfortable position. "More comfortable", in this case, means he latches onto Ryouma like he's a body pillow. Warm and familiar to hug and it helps soothe the worry he had about Ryouma's safety.
It's a bandaid on the gaping wound that is their complicated relationship at the moment, but one he'll gladly take. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ he knows he can't hold his liquor like izō can but he still empties the cup once, refills it, and then works on the second. it's not like he didn't ever anticipate having to talk about this but maybe not under these circumstances? ]
I wanted to save people but that's not how it was. It was always too late and all I ended up doing was cleaning up other people's messes. I was angry 'cause all I wanted to do was create the world everyone had been dreaming of but I thought I'd failed—...
[ he cuts himself short because he's treading dangerously close to admitting what happened in the end. he knows he won't be able to avoid it forever — especially not discussing what they are — but no need to rush. he'd thought he'd failed for a long time because why else had it come to this? it wasn't until coming here when he'd really given it more thought that he realised his situation had just been convenient. ]
I wasn't gonna give up but I wasn't real hopeful about figurin' it out any time soon either. I can actually help out around here. Plus, Hizen told me things weren't like how I thought they were. So... of course, I'm happier now. It's hard not t' be. And... y'know... Oryou'll turn up one day, right? She's always followed me!
[ toxic positivity in this area is how he's gotten by this long. ]
no subject
Idiot...Yer lonelier'n ever without her. 'S why ya keep comin' t' find me an' why yer keepin' yerself so fuckin' busy.
no subject
I come t' find ya 'cause I wanna see you, Izō.
[ he can't deny the rest though so he doesn't bother. ]
It'd be easy if all I did was miss her—...
[ but it hurts like a phantom limb and he doesn't know how to begin to fix it. he doesn't even want to admit the weakness; it might not be crying but whining about things to izō still sort of feels the same. he's just going to forget he said that at all. ]
I'm busy 'cause it's what I've gotta do. It's the only reason I'm here.
no subject
...It's hurts, right? Without her here. Like a piece'a ya is missin'?
[ Why is he prying? Blame the fact he's drunk and wants to deflect any sort of attention from himself. ]
no subject
It's kinda like when I got hurt a long time ago..? They fixed me up but it wasn't the same anymore after that. It'd ache, especially with the weather, which is the stupidest way t' ever know it's gonna rain. [ more half-hearted attempts to lighten the mood somehow... ] It was frustratin' 'cause I'd think "why can't it just heal?" but it never really did, I jus' got better at ignorin' it.
[ ryouma detached himself from that whole ordeal back then, so talking about it now just makes it easier not to think about the way izō put it. he steadies his voice and refills their drinks. carrying on, as he does. he's had a long time to get good at it. ]
It can't be helped. Anyway, that doesn't even matter. [ what is he if not a master of compartmentalising everything? ] I feel worse knowin' she's out there somewhere probably thinkin' I left her alone again...
[ it's an easy thing to say without thinking. ]
no subject
...Alright. Since yer in one piece and ya ain't dead, I'm goin' home.
[ He abruptly stands up, too abruptly because he stumbles. It's nothing he can't recover from. ]
'Cause I'm pretty sure ya don't want me stayin' here much longer.
[ To say more things to make this hurt worse. ]
no subject
[ it comes out too rushed and too desperate and it's followed almost at once by a hot wash of shame. this isn't what he wanted. this is why he doesn't talk about himself. ]
M'sorry, Izō... I want ya t'stay. Please..? I'll talk about somethin' else. Anythin' y' want...
[ he's mostly kept staring down at the floor all this time but now he does his best to offer a smile, even if it's far from his best. attempts were made. ]
Pissed Hizen off once gettin' like that too. Think I'd know better, huh?
no subject
...Shut up. I'll stay. [ He slowly sits back down with an annoyed grunt. ] ...Too drunk t' walk home, anyway.
no subject
[ despite being told to shut up, ryouma can't not say it, imposing on izō like he is. he says it quietly, at least. ]
I know it's not much, but make yourself at home.
[ mostly it's an open invitation to drink his drinks and eat his food and sleep on his futon. ]
Someday soon I'll get something better.
no subject
[ Yes, that's an invitation to come cuddle with him. It'll settle them both down, surely. ]
no subject
[ it's funny but he also has been drinking more tonight than he usually does, for obvious reasons. this also doesn't deter him from making sure the remainder of what's in his cup doesn't go to waste but then that's that.
ryouma goes to get up which amounts to him almost immediately sitting back down again because thanks to all that sake his legs are a little slow to get the memo that he actually wants to use them now. it's fine. ]
I will. I'm comin'. In a minute..?
no subject
[ Muttered as he wanders off in the direction of Ryouma's futon so he can flop down on it face first and take up most of the space. Have fun moving him. ]
no subject
[ he's trying!! even if this is arguably not something he should really be aspiring to do better on, at least in the direction where he drinks more. in any case, he makes his way over one way or another. he doesn't move izō mostly because trying to coordinate himself to do that right now is debatable at best and because he wants to be close to izō anyway. ryouma is content to end up somewhere half on what's left of the futon and half draped on top of izō. ]
S' better.
no subject
It's a bandaid on the gaping wound that is their complicated relationship at the moment, but one he'll gladly take. ]
...Now shut up for once in yer fuckin' life.