[ it's less that he actually says anything and more that the breath escapes him all at once and he doesn't know what to say. which is weird because he usually likes to think he can always find something to say. ]
M' sorry, Izō. I—...
[ he's not sure what he's apologising for. for getting shot? for worrying him, sure. ryouma realises he's sat up properly at some point, his head bowed and his hands on his knees because he's trained himself to be whatever or whoever he's had to be for so long and it feels all wrong. it's too much to take, one too far for as long as he's held it together but since it's not in his nature to give up he's fighting it all the way down. ]
For all of it. For leavin' ya like that. I didn't know...
[ he can't sit there any longer, pulling izō into a tight hug. ryouma wants to comfort him, but it's honestly hard to tell who is comforting who because he feels like he'll fly apart if he lets go too soon. he knows izō can feel that he's struggling too, since he's shaking from the effort. he can't help but feel ashamed because even if he's managed to hold back his own tears so far he thought he'd outgrown showing this sort of weakness — especially when he feels like he should be stronger for the both of them right now. ryouma supposes it can't be helped. ]
I won't leave. I can't—... no, I won't let it happen again. I promise.
[ he doesn't know why he's making promises when he'd just come away from his meeting knowing he's no one and there's so much that's out of his hands. it's stupid and dangerous but anything less doesn't feel like enough. ]
[ The hug is a surprise and an unwelcome one at that. Izō wants to be pissed off at him, not feeling so conflicted like he is right now. His body stiffens up, resisting the urge give in. That lasts all of five seconds, though, as he hugs Ryouma tightly. That doesn't mean it comes without further token resistance in the form of a few weak hits against Ryouma's back. ]
...Ya can't keep that promise. [ Weakly muttered into the crook of Ryouma's neck. ] Ya know that...
[ That doesn't mean he won't cling to it like his life depends on it. ]
[ he knows. that's what he wants to think. that would be the easy way, just to accept things as they are. but then he remembers that it's not for or about him, it's for izō and so failure isn't an option. ryouma is nothing if not determined. ]
That's not true. Who says I can't keep it? I can't change the past, but I can make it right goin' forward...
[ he's not moving so long as izō will allow it, even if it does make him uncomfortably aware of how pathetically touch starved he's become since he's been here. it's just something else to make up to izō for later. ]
[ Izō will allow it for awhile longer because it's comforting. On some level, he knows Ryouma's lonely. Part of him was ripped away when he came here. He can't even begin to imagine how much that hurts. Oryou's absence is like a gaping hole. Izō, on the other hand, has a boyfriend and a girlfriend, people he can turn to when he needs their help and comfort. He's a poor substitute for Oryou, but if it helps Ryouma, he'll continue to be that poor substitute. ]
...Don't matter what I say now. Ya made up yer mind. [ For better or worse. ] If ya break that promise, I'll kill ya...
[ But for now, he just wants to cling to Ryouma like a life preserver in the deep water. Something real to cling to. ]
[ ryouma sounds happier about it than he probably ought to, given that it's a threat and all, but it's just izō's way. it's the acceptance that really matters. ]
Besides, y' ain't a Servant no more so I gotta get it right this time [ no do-overs. ] I'd offer t' let ya take a swing at me anyway, but I like it like this better...
[ Izō settles down after a few more moments of them holding each other. Now comes the time for him to be fussy again. He backs away, wiping at his eyes. ]
Ain't got it in me t' hurt ya right now...Thank yer lucky stars for that. [ And another gentle punch in the ribs. ] Idiot.
[ he laughs now, the sort of awkward laughter that's still a little unsteady but it's nice anyway. ]
I'll be more careful next time!
[ hopefully there won't be a next time, but he's already said it. ]
Now I get what we're dealing with, so I'll be prepared. I got caught with my guard down, I'll admit. I guess this is that kind of world too.
[ sure, one could say he should have expected this considering where they are, but it's not like he goes around to places expecting people to get gunned down in the street. ]
[ he makes an innocent face. why would izō think he'd downplay it? .... only he already knows izō is right so he sighs and leans on the table. ]
Mostly it surprised me when it all happened...
[ which is vague and obvious because who wasn't surprised? it's the part where he completely froze when it all happened that he doesn't want to mention because he isn't sure what to think of it himself. ]
There was so much steam and everyone was yellin', so it wasn't easy to know what was what right away. Didn't think I'd be good for much tryin' to check on the Daitengu, so I tried goin' after the assassins instead...
[ in the heat of the moment, this decision made sense. ]
We didn't expect 'em to be as well-organised as they turned out to be. They refused to leave anybody behind, which I guess is admirable in its own way. Anyway, a shot went a little wide and I got grazed, that's all. Nothin' serious! It'll be sore a while longer and then it'll be like it never happened. I just pushed it too much today and now I'm payin' for it.
[ Ryouma's story sounds about right. Sticking his neck out trying to help out his clan...
Izō sits in sulky silence for a bit. He should be grateful it wasn't worse, but he's just angry. It's misplaced anger, of course, but that doesn't mean he's not going to vent it. ]
An' yer jus' gonna do it again when somethin' else like this goes down! How long 'til ya fuckin' die, huh? [ They're treading the same ground. It always comes back to this. ] Jus' think for a minute before ya do shit...
Sorry for worrying you, Izō. I'm just not so good at being careful. [ another apologetic smile. ] But I do think, it's just the answer ends up being the same.
[ he pours again because they're both going to need it. ]
You think this contract business is for real? [ this probably comes out of nowhere, but internally, he's thinking about it. ] I—... really, nothing changes. But it seems too good to be true sometimes, doesn't it?
[ ryouma has no idea what izō is working for, but he's working for the only thing he has ever worked for. can it really be that easy? if there's even a chance he has to give it his all. ]
In any case, I'm more careful than I used to be. I keep my gun on me all the time now.
[ neither of these things is what he's expecting and it shows. ]
Really? Not at all? Then—...
[ he wants to yell "what's the point?!" because the feeling builds up in his chest all of a sudden out of nowhere. that's how he's felt about where he's ended up, just doing things because he has to do them. ryouma does it because he figures someone has to but it doesn't mean he'd wish it on anyone else either.
he manages to suppress the urge and asks a different question instead. ]
What about what you want?
[ ryouma realises he's gotten so internally worked up about one thing he's forgotten that izō had asked him something else too. ]
It matters. Don't expect ya to believe me, but it matters...
[ to me, is the unspoken addition he won't—... no, can't say right now. it makes the realisation that izō has people he cares about enough to mention outright a little bittersweet; ryouma will always be happy for izō but he also doesn't assume that he's included in that. it's a dumb, unfair feeling to have, he thinks, because if there should ever be a time when izō moves on without him the only thing he can do is accept it gracefully. that's exactly what he would deserve.
but then none of this feels good and he wishes he hadn't brought any of it up to begin with. ]
Is that what ya wanna hear? I gave 'em a choice like I always do.
[ None of this feels good for Izō, either. He's so full of conflicting and confusing emotions that need to be covered up with as much liquor as he can handle before they explode out of him again. ]
I jus' wanna know if yer willin' t' do what ya gotta...Ain't always gonna end with 'em makin' th' choice ya want.
[ He can't even look at Ryouma now. Why are they doing this? Why did he think this was a good idea? ]
[ ryouma is glad izō won't look at him right now. he probably has an awful expression because he recalls easily the times it ended with the choice he didn't want. he'd had oryou with him then for much of it but he ends up staring down at his hands at some point. a servant's body erases the scars but not the memories; the first time had been when he was still human and the only person who could save him was himself — the only choice was living or dying. ]
I can do what I need to do... if I must. It's just never gonna be my first choice.
[ this is a stupid question because he already knows the answer but this is a desperate attempt to not spiral more even if that's where it's probably headed. has anything gotten better with more drinking when it's already like this? ]
Why can't it work out? Why can't it go better this time..?
I'm so tired of death...
[ the last isn't really for izō at all. ryouma is feeling the sake and the words sort of sigh out of him because he's carried around so much for so long and it's hard not to feel the weight of it all right now. ]
... Sorry, Izō. That's gonna start tasting sour if I keep goin' like that, huh?
[ can't let himself make it worse if he can help it. ]
[ he almost says "it's me" because that's true but it just sounds too cliche to be tolerable. ]
I really believe it's different now. That means if there's gonna be 'big shit' I want ya t' be a part of it with me, Izō. I know I'm complainin' but I'm happier here than I've been in a long while.
[ he realises how that probably sounds so he continues, but his voice is even quieter. ]
'Course I miss Oryou all the time an' nothing's gonna change that. But you're here too, Izō, and I'm glad. Plus with the work I've been doing here..? I'm startin' t' feel a little like myself again, I think.
[ the only people he doesn't strictly talk business with so far are hizen and izō, so he has both of them to thank for the feeling like things are improving despite where they are. ]
[ Improving, huh? For Izō, anything that isn't Hakagemachi is better than where he was. Wasn't Ryouma happier not being in Hell? He had Oryou...He should still have her. It's not fair he has to be here without with.
Izō continues to drink because that'll fix things. ]
...That so? [ Though he has to ask... ] Why d'ya feel happier here? I don't get it.
I had another job for a long time before I ever ended up in Chaldea.
[ he knows he can't hold his liquor like izō can but he still empties the cup once, refills it, and then works on the second. it's not like he didn't ever anticipate having to talk about this but maybe not under these circumstances? ]
I wanted to save people but that's not how it was. It was always too late and all I ended up doing was cleaning up other people's messes. I was angry 'cause all I wanted to do was create the world everyone had been dreaming of but I thought I'd failed—...
[ he cuts himself short because he's treading dangerously close to admitting what happened in the end. he knows he won't be able to avoid it forever — especially not discussing what they are — but no need to rush. he'd thought he'd failed for a long time because why else had it come to this? it wasn't until coming here when he'd really given it more thought that he realised his situation had just been convenient. ]
I wasn't gonna give up but I wasn't real hopeful about figurin' it out any time soon either. I can actually help out around here. Plus, Hizen told me things weren't like how I thought they were. So... of course, I'm happier now. It's hard not t' be. And... y'know... Oryou'll turn up one day, right? She's always followed me!
[ toxic positivity in this area is how he's gotten by this long. ]
[ Izō stares into his sake cup for a minute before calling bullshit on that last part. It's easier to yell and be defiant than it is to think about the implications of anything Ryouma just said. ]
Idiot...Yer lonelier'n ever without her. 'S why ya keep comin' t' find me an' why yer keepin' yerself so fuckin' busy.
[ for someone who claims to not be good with words, izō really managed to hit him as surely as if he'd just stabbed him. ]
I come t' find ya 'cause I wanna see you, Izō.
[ he can't deny the rest though so he doesn't bother. ]
It'd be easy if all I did was miss her—...
[ but it hurts like a phantom limb and he doesn't know how to begin to fix it. he doesn't even want to admit the weakness; it might not be crying but whining about things to izō still sort of feels the same. he's just going to forget he said that at all. ]
I'm busy 'cause it's what I've gotta do. It's the only reason I'm here.
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[ it's less that he actually says anything and more that the breath escapes him all at once and he doesn't know what to say. which is weird because he usually likes to think he can always find something to say. ]
M' sorry, Izō. I—...
[ he's not sure what he's apologising for. for getting shot? for worrying him, sure. ryouma realises he's sat up properly at some point, his head bowed and his hands on his knees because he's trained himself to be whatever or whoever he's had to be for so long and it feels all wrong. it's too much to take, one too far for as long as he's held it together but since it's not in his nature to give up he's fighting it all the way down. ]
For all of it. For leavin' ya like that. I didn't know...
[ he can't sit there any longer, pulling izō into a tight hug. ryouma wants to comfort him, but it's honestly hard to tell who is comforting who because he feels like he'll fly apart if he lets go too soon. he knows izō can feel that he's struggling too, since he's shaking from the effort. he can't help but feel ashamed because even if he's managed to hold back his own tears so far he thought he'd outgrown showing this sort of weakness — especially when he feels like he should be stronger for the both of them right now. ryouma supposes it can't be helped. ]
I won't leave. I can't—... no, I won't let it happen again. I promise.
[ he doesn't know why he's making promises when he'd just come away from his meeting knowing he's no one and there's so much that's out of his hands. it's stupid and dangerous but anything less doesn't feel like enough. ]
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...Ya can't keep that promise. [ Weakly muttered into the crook of Ryouma's neck. ] Ya know that...
[ That doesn't mean he won't cling to it like his life depends on it. ]
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That's not true. Who says I can't keep it? I can't change the past, but I can make it right goin' forward...
[ he's not moving so long as izō will allow it, even if it does make him uncomfortably aware of how pathetically touch starved he's become since he's been here. it's just something else to make up to izō for later. ]
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...Don't matter what I say now. Ya made up yer mind. [ For better or worse. ] If ya break that promise, I'll kill ya...
[ But for now, he just wants to cling to Ryouma like a life preserver in the deep water. Something real to cling to. ]
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[ ryouma sounds happier about it than he probably ought to, given that it's a threat and all, but it's just izō's way. it's the acceptance that really matters. ]
Besides, y' ain't a Servant no more so I gotta get it right this time [ no do-overs. ] I'd offer t' let ya take a swing at me anyway, but I like it like this better...
[ much better than the last time. ]
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Ain't got it in me t' hurt ya right now...Thank yer lucky stars for that. [ And another gentle punch in the ribs. ] Idiot.
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I'll be more careful next time!
[ hopefully there won't be a next time, but he's already said it. ]
Now I get what we're dealing with, so I'll be prepared. I got caught with my guard down, I'll admit. I guess this is that kind of world too.
[ sure, one could say he should have expected this considering where they are, but it's not like he goes around to places expecting people to get gunned down in the street. ]
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[ The look Izō gives him says he's serious about that. ]
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Mostly it surprised me when it all happened...
[ which is vague and obvious because who wasn't surprised? it's the part where he completely froze when it all happened that he doesn't want to mention because he isn't sure what to think of it himself. ]
There was so much steam and everyone was yellin', so it wasn't easy to know what was what right away. Didn't think I'd be good for much tryin' to check on the Daitengu, so I tried goin' after the assassins instead...
[ in the heat of the moment, this decision made sense. ]
We didn't expect 'em to be as well-organised as they turned out to be. They refused to leave anybody behind, which I guess is admirable in its own way. Anyway, a shot went a little wide and I got grazed, that's all. Nothin' serious! It'll be sore a while longer and then it'll be like it never happened. I just pushed it too much today and now I'm payin' for it.
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Izō sits in sulky silence for a bit. He should be grateful it wasn't worse, but he's just angry. It's misplaced anger, of course, but that doesn't mean he's not going to vent it. ]
An' yer jus' gonna do it again when somethin' else like this goes down! How long 'til ya fuckin' die, huh? [ They're treading the same ground. It always comes back to this. ] Jus' think for a minute before ya do shit...
[ Rich coming from Izō. ]
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[ he pours again because they're both going to need it. ]
You think this contract business is for real? [ this probably comes out of nowhere, but internally, he's thinking about it. ] I—... really, nothing changes. But it seems too good to be true sometimes, doesn't it?
[ ryouma has no idea what izō is working for, but he's working for the only thing he has ever worked for. can it really be that easy? if there's even a chance he has to give it his all. ]
In any case, I'm more careful than I used to be. I keep my gun on me all the time now.
[ this is really not something to be proud of?? ]
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[ Not that he's going to discuss what his contract deal is. That's his business alone. Izō just...drinks instead of thinking too much. ]
An' d'ya think yer actually gonna use it when ya need to? Or are ya gonna hesitate?
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Really? Not at all? Then—...
[ he wants to yell "what's the point?!" because the feeling builds up in his chest all of a sudden out of nowhere. that's how he's felt about where he's ended up, just doing things because he has to do them. ryouma does it because he figures someone has to but it doesn't mean he'd wish it on anyone else either.
he manages to suppress the urge and asks a different question instead. ]
What about what you want?
[ ryouma realises he's gotten so internally worked up about one thing he's forgotten that izō had asked him something else too. ]
... And you say that like I haven't ever used it.
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[ What matters is taking care of Majima and Emily first...And Ryouma and Hizen and Six. His own needs are forever secondary. ]
Ya killed someone with it? Huh?
[ Is he getting aggressive to get the attention off himself? Maybe. ]
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[ to me, is the unspoken addition he won't—... no, can't say right now. it makes the realisation that izō has people he cares about enough to mention outright a little bittersweet; ryouma will always be happy for izō but he also doesn't assume that he's included in that. it's a dumb, unfair feeling to have, he thinks, because if there should ever be a time when izō moves on without him the only thing he can do is accept it gracefully. that's exactly what he would deserve.
but then none of this feels good and he wishes he hadn't brought any of it up to begin with. ]
Is that what ya wanna hear? I gave 'em a choice like I always do.
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I jus' wanna know if yer willin' t' do what ya gotta...Ain't always gonna end with 'em makin' th' choice ya want.
[ He can't even look at Ryouma now. Why are they doing this? Why did he think this was a good idea? ]
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I can do what I need to do... if I must. It's just never gonna be my first choice.
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[ Drinking. More drinking. It puts a bandage on the gaping wound of how badly he feels right now. ]
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[ this is a stupid question because he already knows the answer but this is a desperate attempt to not spiral more even if that's where it's probably headed. has anything gotten better with more drinking when it's already like this? ]
Why can't it work out? Why can't it go better this time..?
I'm so tired of death...
[ the last isn't really for izō at all. ryouma is feeling the sake and the words sort of sigh out of him because he's carried around so much for so long and it's hard not to feel the weight of it all right now. ]
... Sorry, Izō. That's gonna start tasting sour if I keep goin' like that, huh?
[ can't let himself make it worse if he can help it. ]
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[ Spoken like a simple fact. The sour mood doesn't stop him from drinking. It's a better excuse to keep drinking. ]
Go off an' do th' big shit yer meant to do an' leave me here.
[ Circling the same point over and over again. ]
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[ he almost says "it's me" because that's true but it just sounds too cliche to be tolerable. ]
I really believe it's different now. That means if there's gonna be 'big shit' I want ya t' be a part of it with me, Izō. I know I'm complainin' but I'm happier here than I've been in a long while.
[ he realises how that probably sounds so he continues, but his voice is even quieter. ]
'Course I miss Oryou all the time an' nothing's gonna change that. But you're here too, Izō, and I'm glad. Plus with the work I've been doing here..? I'm startin' t' feel a little like myself again, I think.
[ the only people he doesn't strictly talk business with so far are hizen and izō, so he has both of them to thank for the feeling like things are improving despite where they are. ]
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Izō continues to drink because that'll fix things. ]
...That so? [ Though he has to ask... ] Why d'ya feel happier here? I don't get it.
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[ he knows he can't hold his liquor like izō can but he still empties the cup once, refills it, and then works on the second. it's not like he didn't ever anticipate having to talk about this but maybe not under these circumstances? ]
I wanted to save people but that's not how it was. It was always too late and all I ended up doing was cleaning up other people's messes. I was angry 'cause all I wanted to do was create the world everyone had been dreaming of but I thought I'd failed—...
[ he cuts himself short because he's treading dangerously close to admitting what happened in the end. he knows he won't be able to avoid it forever — especially not discussing what they are — but no need to rush. he'd thought he'd failed for a long time because why else had it come to this? it wasn't until coming here when he'd really given it more thought that he realised his situation had just been convenient. ]
I wasn't gonna give up but I wasn't real hopeful about figurin' it out any time soon either. I can actually help out around here. Plus, Hizen told me things weren't like how I thought they were. So... of course, I'm happier now. It's hard not t' be. And... y'know... Oryou'll turn up one day, right? She's always followed me!
[ toxic positivity in this area is how he's gotten by this long. ]
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Idiot...Yer lonelier'n ever without her. 'S why ya keep comin' t' find me an' why yer keepin' yerself so fuckin' busy.
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I come t' find ya 'cause I wanna see you, Izō.
[ he can't deny the rest though so he doesn't bother. ]
It'd be easy if all I did was miss her—...
[ but it hurts like a phantom limb and he doesn't know how to begin to fix it. he doesn't even want to admit the weakness; it might not be crying but whining about things to izō still sort of feels the same. he's just going to forget he said that at all. ]
I'm busy 'cause it's what I've gotta do. It's the only reason I'm here.
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