( It's a funny thing, what you do when you're upset. She came all the way here because it felt right, because Ryouma is pretty cool as adults go and that had to mean she'd know what to say when she got there, right?
She doesn't. Every single word escapes her as he asks that simple question, and all she can do is grab for the painkillers and whatever that bottle is, downing both without flinching. A hand reaches for her hair, something to fiddle with, only to draw away when she feels the twists of the braids she didn't remove, and she settles for yanking her sleeves over her hands as she collapses into a chair.
Where the hell does she start? Everything was so fine up until the assassination attempt. Tanabata had been fun. And now we're here.
She exhales, draws her legs up and tosses them over the arm of the chair, trying to find the words. There's so much that's wrong, so many parts of that visit which bother her and want to come out that none of them do. )
[ he has that habit of saying a lot with just a little sound like that and now is no different. she hasn't said much but she's said enough and oh boy, ryouma gets it. ]
Well, sit down an' relax. Can't promise t' have any good advice for ya, but I ain't judgin' ya neither...
[ he keeps on drinking his tea now that he's seen to things for kate so far. ]
(Ah, indeed. Draping herself over the chair, head resting on one arm while her legs dangle over the other, Kate turns a single, tired glance Ryouma's way. )
It were fine till they got pissy 'cause I checked what your assassins were doin'.
( Because it is definitely Ryouma's fault here. If he'd just stopped getting people wanting to murder him, none of this would have happened. )
So... ya got into an argument 'cause it's dangerous work, I'm guessin'? If they got upset with ya, I'm sure it's 'cause they were worried.
[ sure, he could shoulder the blame, but ryouma can't see himself right now because kate has his full attention in the middle of this. he's not so much ignoring the part about his assassins, but they can get to that later. ]
Ya coulda jus' apologised and let it be, but that's not what happened, right..?
( Um, you expect her to apologise? What nonsense is this? )
Why should I? No one told 'im 'e had to worry about us.
( The accent's spilling out thicker than normal, and so are the words, for once. Everything she could have, maybe even should have, said to Shin instead. Every word which didn't come then.
(Sorry, Ryouma.) )
I'm here for a contract, like anyone else. Were expectin' danger when I signed up. Don't need people worryin' about us. ( WHAT HYPOCRISY she doesn't know what you mean. ) If I stay safe, I won't get anywhere.
( Isn't that obvious? As obvious as the fact that this is the only path she will ever have to support her brother — the one that requires her to harden herself and accept the fact that she has to get her hands dirty, has to get hurt, has to risk death.
If it wasn't Jigokucho, it would have been the military. The outcome is the same regardless. )
I'm not sayin' ya should, only that it was an option. You're preachin' to the choir, remember? "If I stay safe, I won't get anywhere" is exactly why I do what I do.
[ it's very obvious, and ryouma sympathises because there is another unfortunate side effect to living this way. ]
Not everybody's gonna get that, though, and some people won't take no for an answer. The sure way t' avoid this is not gettin' close to anybody, but that's easier said than done...
[ so, he gets it. but it doesn't mean he knows what to do with that. or what he ought to say. he can commiserate, at least? ]
( ... Dammit. This is gonna mean she can't come for Ryouma about his reckless behaviour now, isn't it? She scowls at everything he says, at the words and the general fact that she can't have the best of both worlds. She can't turn back time and decide to not kiss Shin at the festival.
It would erase weeks of good times, but god it would be easier than the ache in her chest that refuses to lessen right now. )
I were good at that. ( Not getting close to anyone. ) Back home.
( She'd like to know why the people in Jigokucho make that so much harder, thanks. )
[ if he can't offer advice, then he can do what his teachers used to do for him and ask questions that made him think. he expects that to be about as well-received as when it was done to him (which is to say, he did a lot of whining). ]
A'ight, well, I'd say it must be real complicated then...
[ ryouma doesn't look like he's saying it just to throw something in her face, at least. he's very sympathetic about this for reasons he's not willing to let on about just yet. ]
But if ya weren't happy before an' ya ain't happy about it now, what's the use in fightin' it? Maybe ya oughta enjoy it while ya can.
( Because being happy is how you get hurt. ...Though, to be fair, she was miserable throughout the last four years of school and she got plenty hurt then, so maybe that thesis is shaky. )
Ugh... ( She presses the heels of her hands into her eyes as she groans. This is all so needlessly complicated. The part of herself which just wants to be left alone to self-implode grinds up against the girl who's actually been happy here, despite her better judgement.
The question that spills out of her is asked so quietly that Ryouma would be forgiven if he didn't hear it; )
... What if I'm wrong?
( About Shin. About Ryouma. About literally anyone here she's begun to categorise as not that bad.
What if she puts all this effort into repairing this rift and she's wrong, and she gets hurt? )
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She doesn't. Every single word escapes her as he asks that simple question, and all she can do is grab for the painkillers and whatever that bottle is, downing both without flinching. A hand reaches for her hair, something to fiddle with, only to draw away when she feels the twists of the braids she didn't remove, and she settles for yanking her sleeves over her hands as she collapses into a chair.
Where the hell does she start? Everything was so fine up until the assassination attempt. Tanabata had been fun. And now we're here.
She exhales, draws her legs up and tosses them over the arm of the chair, trying to find the words. There's so much that's wrong, so many parts of that visit which bother her and want to come out that none of them do. )
Someone said they love me.
( ... Shouldn't you look happier about that? )
no subject
[ he has that habit of saying a lot with just a little sound like that and now is no different. she hasn't said much but she's said enough and oh boy, ryouma gets it. ]
Well, sit down an' relax. Can't promise t' have any good advice for ya, but I ain't judgin' ya neither...
[ he keeps on drinking his tea now that he's seen to things for kate so far. ]
Are ya happy? With them, I mean.
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It were fine till they got pissy 'cause I checked what your assassins were doin'.
( Because it is definitely Ryouma's fault here. If he'd just stopped getting people wanting to murder him, none of this would have happened. )
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[ sure, he could shoulder the blame, but ryouma can't see himself right now because kate has his full attention in the middle of this. he's not so much ignoring the part about his assassins, but they can get to that later. ]
Ya coulda jus' apologised and let it be, but that's not what happened, right..?
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Why should I? No one told 'im 'e had to worry about us.
( The accent's spilling out thicker than normal, and so are the words, for once. Everything she could have, maybe even should have, said to Shin instead. Every word which didn't come then.
(Sorry, Ryouma.) )
I'm here for a contract, like anyone else. Were expectin' danger when I signed up. Don't need people worryin' about us. ( WHAT HYPOCRISY she doesn't know what you mean. ) If I stay safe, I won't get anywhere.
( Isn't that obvious? As obvious as the fact that this is the only path she will ever have to support her brother — the one that requires her to harden herself and accept the fact that she has to get her hands dirty, has to get hurt, has to risk death.
If it wasn't Jigokucho, it would have been the military. The outcome is the same regardless. )
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[ it's very obvious, and ryouma sympathises because there is another unfortunate side effect to living this way. ]
Not everybody's gonna get that, though, and some people won't take no for an answer. The sure way t' avoid this is not gettin' close to anybody, but that's easier said than done...
[ so, he gets it. but it doesn't mean he knows what to do with that. or what he ought to say. he can commiserate, at least? ]
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It would erase weeks of good times, but god it would be easier than the ache in her chest that refuses to lessen right now. )
I were good at that. ( Not getting close to anyone. ) Back home.
( She'd like to know why the people in Jigokucho make that so much harder, thanks. )
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[ if he can't offer advice, then he can do what his teachers used to do for him and ask questions that made him think. he expects that to be about as well-received as when it was done to him (which is to say, he did a lot of whining). ]
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What d'you think?
( Do you think she'd be here, hungover and upset that someone is concerned about her if she'd been happy? )
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[ ryouma doesn't look like he's saying it just to throw something in her face, at least. he's very sympathetic about this for reasons he's not willing to let on about just yet. ]
But if ya weren't happy before an' ya ain't happy about it now, what's the use in fightin' it? Maybe ya oughta enjoy it while ya can.
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Ugh... ( She presses the heels of her hands into her eyes as she groans. This is all so needlessly complicated. The part of herself which just wants to be left alone to self-implode grinds up against the girl who's actually been happy here, despite her better judgement.
The question that spills out of her is asked so quietly that Ryouma would be forgiven if he didn't hear it; )
... What if I'm wrong?
( About Shin. About Ryouma. About literally anyone here she's begun to categorise as not that bad.
What if she puts all this effort into repairing this rift and she's wrong, and she gets hurt? )