[ well, now he has an appointment. it probably takes him a little longer to get over there than it should because of his dawdling but eventually, ryouma shows up.
he looks exactly like you'd expect someone to look after being furiously mauled by a swarm of magpies and then left to his own devices since. he's wrapped up and taped over whatever wouldn't quit bleeding on its own — to mixed levels of success — and the rest he's at least kept clean but
he's still a man mauled by angry birds??? he's good at ignoring the looks on the street. ]
They left your eyes, at least. That's a good sign.
[after making him sit on the exam table, she's going around him, cleaning and taping the various wounds.]
I'm not going to heal you immediately, and before you ask why, it's for politics. The Kasasagi wanted to make their displeasure public, and seeing you shrug off that message, so to speak, would irritate them more. You have to bear these for at least two days, so they feel as though they properly shamed you for this. They need to see that you were hurt.
Ah, yes. The optics. No chance I could get another honeymoon out of this, huh?
[ he laughs and only realises after the fact that without the context that exists in his head that's an odd thing to say, perhaps..... ]
Ah—.. what I mean is the last time I had to do something for appearances I got kicked right out of Kyoto for awhile and ended up getting a free vacation, me and Oryou.
[ simpler times. but if he thinks about her it's only going to make things worse so he won't. ]
Anyway, I'm sure I can manage looking properly shamed. I'm the most hated guy in hell.
Talking about her just makes it worse, so I try not to. She's a part of me in a very literal sense, so our being separated with me here hasn't been easy. It hurts, but in a weird way 'cause I'm not entirely sure how to describe it..?
[ maybe it's because she's already working on patching him up that he feels he can talk about it. maybe he's not just crazy (which was a theory at least once). ]
I miss her, but I'm used to that. We'll see each other again. [ he says this without a shred of doubt. ] But it's more than that. It's almost physical but there's nothing for it, so it's hard to shake it.
[ the concept of "phantom pain" in that way doesn't really exist in his mind. he knows he feels something, and he knows he feels something he shouldn't because there's nothing there that should be hurting, so he just accepts it like everything else. ]
There's a woman in town who looks a lot like her, so I guess she's been on my mind more than usual.
Keeping it inside will hurt you more than saying it aloud. Even now, admitting you miss her...it feels a little better than trying to ignore it, doesn't it?
[she'll say nothing about the woman. she relates, in a strange way - there's someone that reminds her of someone she's long lost, but she can't put that on their shoulders. just an ache, when she recalls its there.]
I'm sure the moment she sees you again, she'll run to you.
Ah, I'll probably just be lucky if she doesn't eat me for vanishing on her watch again.
[ because ryouma has always associated with people who can kill him? he's obviously not being entirely serious, but there's a twinge of guilt in it, considering he knows how it affected oryou when he died. ]
I suppose. But what's the use in talking about things if nothing changes? It's better not to say anything at all if you're just gonna go on living the way it is.
You already said it. Because you're living, Mr. Sakamoto. Even if things don't change in ways you want immediately, they still will change by virtue of you being alive. Each day is different, after all. With that said, why not talk about what you wish to? It's not as though I mind listening.
[she says it so gently, one could forget that this started with her having to patch him up from politically dissident birds. the tone she has, it's like she believes these words with all her heart, and she does.
Because I don't like sad things. I don't like them in general, but if they're my sad things it doesn't do me any good to look at them 'cause they just get in the way.
[ why is why he takes himself out of the equation from the start. that's a lot less baggage if he can just pretend like he doesn't have any. ]
It's a nice thought on paper, but I'm the one who has to go home afterwards and sit in it. I'm living out of my office thanks to Majima already, so I try not to make it any harder than it has to be.
Because the guy he sent to collect the money I agreed to pay him broke all the windows, so I just decided to call it a wash and told my landlord to send me a bill because I don't care enough about that place to bother with it.
[ he can't say he minds the change of topic, but he's all very flippant about this despite the circumstances. he's irritated about it, but when it comes to his place, he doesn't care about the apartment itself as much as the feeling of disrespect. ]
Yeah, I told him I wasn't afraid of him and wasn't gonna rush around and do what he said because he told me to. If he wanted my money, I was perfectly willing to pay it. Majima is doing this on purpose, and I won't give him the satisfaction.
[ he's petty sometimes okay. ]
I have a little couch there, and it works fine for now until I can get a new futon. Anyway, I suppose I should give you a fair warning if you want to pass it along.
[ he was going to have to have this conversation anyway, but it feels even worse now that argued about it with izō already... ]
I don't want to make an issue out of this, but I'm not in a position where I can let it slide if he keeps at it. It's a personal matter that I want to keep personal, but now with things going like they are, how's it gonna look if I keep letting him get away with it? I know they think I'm weak. Whatever the hell Majima's problem is, he needs to get it over with and air it out or sit down and shut up because he's the least of my worries right now!
[ alright, so... maybe he's not as calm and cool about it as he'd like to think he is. he doesn't do angry — not over personal matters like this — so he has no idea how to process what he feels. he's jealous, too, but he just can't admit that, and he refuses to acknowledge the other times he's ever felt that way about anything. as usual, it's much easier to ignore the things he doesn't like. ]
[she lets him vent it out, lets the words exist, roll over her, and mulls them in her mind. she goes to the door of the exam room, and locks it, for the sake of something to do with her hands. and then, Emily sits in the chair, looking up at him.]
Would you like my sincere input, Mr. Sakamoto, or would you like to continue facing this problem your way?
[she hadn't asked before. but she knows he'll hate what she has to say.]
I'm not gonna tell him how I feel about him if that's what you're gonna say!
[ it's his ability to say something stupid even when he's angry that's a generally good sign that he's reasonable enough not to act on it. he doesn't enjoy being like this! also, he's been here before and knows exactly how far he gets trying to evade the question (see: exactly nowhere). ]
... Alright, fine. I'll hear you out. But only if you quit calling me Mr. Sakamoto.
There are a few things to consider in your situation. But the most important is that I think you fundamentally misunderstand what direction Majima is coming from. You made your opinion on honor clear to me, but for him...it is a fundamental part of his existence. Imagine, if you would, what you would feel if someone came in and firmly stepped upon one of your life's tenets, and proceeded to deride it. I don't doubt that you intended this, but I also have no doubt that this happened somehow. You gravely insulted him without even knowing it.
I don't say this to chide you, but to let you gauge the sort of man he is. Prideful, yes, and difficult to back down, but you must accept this - this life is what he knows, what he lives and breathes. Coming in to voice grand plans like everyone getting along when historically they thrive on conflict...they do not think you're weak. They think you're a complete fool who has no idea of the sort of people he's trying to strike deals with, who doesn't understand the rules of the world he's in, who talks larger than his rank affords him.
[her hand goes up. no interruptions. all this, she had gathered from talking to Goro, to listening to what he did and did not say, from the lessons on how to behave she was involved in with others in the Alliance.]
These people place a lot more value than you do on status, on who is above who, on rank and obedience. No matter how you personally feel about this life, that is what Majima knows, and how this city appears to be running. Your way of doing things is new and subversive, so naturally you will run into opposition and a resistance to change. Beyond that, he cares about Izo as much as I do. Shooting him and spooking him badly enough to make him flee from all of us set his teeth on edge. Hence your debt, and frankly, how his collectors act is at their own discretion.
[folding her arms, she leans back some in her chair.]
Really, you're equally stubborn, come to think of it. He's simply...too tired to handle those he sees as foolish, Ryouma. Life hasn't been easy for him. [but she's biased, and they both know it. Emily will make no apologies for that.] I don't want you to go and grovel at his feet, now that you know. I only want you to understand something of why.
[ ryouma listens — partly because he doesn't have a choice — and she can tell when he has to bite back the urge to respond. in the end, however, he doesn't launch right back into a response but takes a moment or two longer to gather his thoughts. he sighs and shakes his head a little, trying to keep his tone steady and any misplaced aggravation from creeping in. that isn't meant for her. ]
I'm sorry, do I give the impression of having had an easy life? I realise that you don't know anything about me except what you might've heard so... as much as I don't like to talk about myself because I don't think it's important, I'll fill you in on a few things so you understand where I'm coming from. I hate saying, "do you know who I am" but I think it would save everyone a lot of time. I'm not just some idiot who talks a big talk. I've succeeded with far less at my disposal than I have now.
[ another breath, in and out, and when he exhales, his shoulders slump. tiring, but necessary. ]
I grew up in the same place as Izō. Where we came from, people treated us like animals. We lost friends of ours because they got cut down on the street, and no one lifted a finger because it wasn't a crime, which is just an example. Point is, I have a pretty good idea of what value people place on rank, obedience, and honour. This world is harsh but not nearly as harsh as the one Izō and I grew up in, so what I won't do is sit around and let Majima punish me for doing things differently than how he thinks they ought to be done. I didn't do it back then, and I'm not gonna do it now.
[ ryouma would laugh, but he settles for a small, diplomatic smile instead. ]
I can imagine that feeling you described because people tell me constantly that my dreams and ideals are stupid, foolish, and a waste of time. They tell me I'll end up dead again, so I should shut up and quit while I'm ahead and on and on. It doesn't make me angry because it doesn't matter. Even if I argue about it, I can't change another person's way of life, so I choose to find a way to work with them instead. Like I told Izō, the most powerful men in the country couldn't stop me when I was human. What makes him think it'll happen now? I never meant to insult him, and that much is true. I would tell him as much because I am sorry if I said something that sounded out of line. I don't deny that that can happen.
Otherwise, you're saying that the world has been cruel and Majima can't imagine things another way, so he wants to sabotage me and my work to... prove a point? Teach me a lesson? Incidentally, all I have going for me is my work, so I will defend it to my last breath because it's bigger than all of us. They can't hurt me in a way that matters because there is nothing they can take from me, so I'm not backing down. I refuse to play "who had it worse" because my answer to that is to get up and do something to change it. I'm not being stubborn, he's a grown man behaving like a child. I'm sorry that life has been that way for him, but if anything, that just makes me want to try harder to change things around here.
[ he'll be digging his heels in even more now that he's extra motivated, so this bit of insight into things has only hardened his resolve. it seems like this speech of his is winding down, at least. ]
That still doesn't change the rest of what I said. I'm not disputing my debt and intend to continue paying it voluntarily. Majima is welcome to tell the Shuten Clan how they ought to behave, but this is the Alliance, and I do things my way because the Daitengu gives me their blessing to do so. He doesn't have to like me or how I do business, but he'll show me the respect I'm due.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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How badly did the birds attack you?
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[ he thinks he's very funny. ]
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Call it an instinct that you might try to shrug those off.
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[ he's caused more trouble for her since she signed on for this than he has since they've known each other so??? ]
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[ there is a short pause before he sends another text along. ]
I'll come by in a little while, I guess. There's a place near there I can drop off some laundry.
[ multitasking. ]
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he looks exactly like you'd expect someone to look after being furiously mauled by a swarm of magpies and then left to his own devices since. he's wrapped up and taped over whatever wouldn't quit bleeding on its own — to mixed levels of success — and the rest he's at least kept clean but
he's still a man mauled by angry birds??? he's good at ignoring the looks on the street. ]
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[after making him sit on the exam table, she's going around him, cleaning and taping the various wounds.]
I'm not going to heal you immediately, and before you ask why, it's for politics. The Kasasagi wanted to make their displeasure public, and seeing you shrug off that message, so to speak, would irritate them more. You have to bear these for at least two days, so they feel as though they properly shamed you for this. They need to see that you were hurt.
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[ he laughs and only realises after the fact that without the context that exists in his head that's an odd thing to say, perhaps..... ]
Ah—.. what I mean is the last time I had to do something for appearances I got kicked right out of Kyoto for awhile and ended up getting a free vacation, me and Oryou.
[ simpler times. but if he thinks about her it's only going to make things worse so he won't. ]
Anyway, I'm sure I can manage looking properly shamed. I'm the most hated guy in hell.
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[she shakes her head and finishes covering another gouge.]
Your wife...this is the first I've heard you mention her.
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[ maybe it's because she's already working on patching him up that he feels he can talk about it. maybe he's not just crazy (which was a theory at least once). ]
I miss her, but I'm used to that. We'll see each other again. [ he says this without a shred of doubt. ] But it's more than that. It's almost physical but there's nothing for it, so it's hard to shake it.
[ the concept of "phantom pain" in that way doesn't really exist in his mind. he knows he feels something, and he knows he feels something he shouldn't because there's nothing there that should be hurting, so he just accepts it like everything else. ]
There's a woman in town who looks a lot like her, so I guess she's been on my mind more than usual.
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[she'll say nothing about the woman. she relates, in a strange way - there's someone that reminds her of someone she's long lost, but she can't put that on their shoulders. just an ache, when she recalls its there.]
I'm sure the moment she sees you again, she'll run to you.
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[ because ryouma has always associated with people who can kill him? he's obviously not being entirely serious, but there's a twinge of guilt in it, considering he knows how it affected oryou when he died. ]
I suppose. But what's the use in talking about things if nothing changes? It's better not to say anything at all if you're just gonna go on living the way it is.
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[she says it so gently, one could forget that this started with her having to patch him up from politically dissident birds. the tone she has, it's like she believes these words with all her heart, and she does.
she's just not the one to talk.]
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[ why is why he takes himself out of the equation from the start. that's a lot less baggage if he can just pretend like he doesn't have any. ]
It's a nice thought on paper, but I'm the one who has to go home afterwards and sit in it. I'm living out of my office thanks to Majima already, so I try not to make it any harder than it has to be.
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[they'll go back to this conversation at another point. probably when she makes him eat. but for now...]
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[ he can't say he minds the change of topic, but he's all very flippant about this despite the circumstances. he's irritated about it, but when it comes to his place, he doesn't care about the apartment itself as much as the feeling of disrespect. ]
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[just saying. you probably said or did something, considering the sort of person you are, but she won't harp on the point.]
That said, if you're committed to the office, at least bring your futon there, so you don't ruin your back.
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[ he's petty sometimes okay. ]
I have a little couch there, and it works fine for now until I can get a new futon. Anyway, I suppose I should give you a fair warning if you want to pass it along.
[ he was going to have to have this conversation anyway, but it feels even worse now that argued about it with izō already... ]
I don't want to make an issue out of this, but I'm not in a position where I can let it slide if he keeps at it. It's a personal matter that I want to keep personal, but now with things going like they are, how's it gonna look if I keep letting him get away with it? I know they think I'm weak. Whatever the hell Majima's problem is, he needs to get it over with and air it out or sit down and shut up because he's the least of my worries right now!
[ alright, so... maybe he's not as calm and cool about it as he'd like to think he is. he doesn't do angry — not over personal matters like this — so he has no idea how to process what he feels. he's jealous, too, but he just can't admit that, and he refuses to acknowledge the other times he's ever felt that way about anything. as usual, it's much easier to ignore the things he doesn't like. ]
... Sorry.
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Would you like my sincere input, Mr. Sakamoto, or would you like to continue facing this problem your way?
[she hadn't asked before. but she knows he'll hate what she has to say.]
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[ it's his ability to say something stupid even when he's angry that's a generally good sign that he's reasonable enough not to act on it. he doesn't enjoy being like this! also, he's been here before and knows exactly how far he gets trying to evade the question (see: exactly nowhere). ]
... Alright, fine. I'll hear you out. But only if you quit calling me Mr. Sakamoto.
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[she takes a breath, wondering where to start.]
There are a few things to consider in your situation. But the most important is that I think you fundamentally misunderstand what direction Majima is coming from. You made your opinion on honor clear to me, but for him...it is a fundamental part of his existence. Imagine, if you would, what you would feel if someone came in and firmly stepped upon one of your life's tenets, and proceeded to deride it. I don't doubt that you intended this, but I also have no doubt that this happened somehow. You gravely insulted him without even knowing it.
I don't say this to chide you, but to let you gauge the sort of man he is. Prideful, yes, and difficult to back down, but you must accept this - this life is what he knows, what he lives and breathes. Coming in to voice grand plans like everyone getting along when historically they thrive on conflict...they do not think you're weak. They think you're a complete fool who has no idea of the sort of people he's trying to strike deals with, who doesn't understand the rules of the world he's in, who talks larger than his rank affords him.
[her hand goes up. no interruptions. all this, she had gathered from talking to Goro, to listening to what he did and did not say, from the lessons on how to behave she was involved in with others in the Alliance.]
These people place a lot more value than you do on status, on who is above who, on rank and obedience. No matter how you personally feel about this life, that is what Majima knows, and how this city appears to be running. Your way of doing things is new and subversive, so naturally you will run into opposition and a resistance to change. Beyond that, he cares about Izo as much as I do. Shooting him and spooking him badly enough to make him flee from all of us set his teeth on edge. Hence your debt, and frankly, how his collectors act is at their own discretion.
[folding her arms, she leans back some in her chair.]
Really, you're equally stubborn, come to think of it. He's simply...too tired to handle those he sees as foolish, Ryouma. Life hasn't been easy for him. [but she's biased, and they both know it. Emily will make no apologies for that.] I don't want you to go and grovel at his feet, now that you know. I only want you to understand something of why.
cries i'm so sorry this is so long
I'm sorry, do I give the impression of having had an easy life? I realise that you don't know anything about me except what you might've heard so... as much as I don't like to talk about myself because I don't think it's important, I'll fill you in on a few things so you understand where I'm coming from. I hate saying, "do you know who I am" but I think it would save everyone a lot of time. I'm not just some idiot who talks a big talk. I've succeeded with far less at my disposal than I have now.
[ another breath, in and out, and when he exhales, his shoulders slump. tiring, but necessary. ]
I grew up in the same place as Izō. Where we came from, people treated us like animals. We lost friends of ours because they got cut down on the street, and no one lifted a finger because it wasn't a crime, which is just an example. Point is, I have a pretty good idea of what value people place on rank, obedience, and honour. This world is harsh but not nearly as harsh as the one Izō and I grew up in, so what I won't do is sit around and let Majima punish me for doing things differently than how he thinks they ought to be done. I didn't do it back then, and I'm not gonna do it now.
[ ryouma would laugh, but he settles for a small, diplomatic smile instead. ]
I can imagine that feeling you described because people tell me constantly that my dreams and ideals are stupid, foolish, and a waste of time. They tell me I'll end up dead again, so I should shut up and quit while I'm ahead and on and on. It doesn't make me angry because it doesn't matter. Even if I argue about it, I can't change another person's way of life, so I choose to find a way to work with them instead. Like I told Izō, the most powerful men in the country couldn't stop me when I was human. What makes him think it'll happen now? I never meant to insult him, and that much is true. I would tell him as much because I am sorry if I said something that sounded out of line. I don't deny that that can happen.
Otherwise, you're saying that the world has been cruel and Majima can't imagine things another way, so he wants to sabotage me and my work to... prove a point? Teach me a lesson? Incidentally, all I have going for me is my work, so I will defend it to my last breath because it's bigger than all of us. They can't hurt me in a way that matters because there is nothing they can take from me, so I'm not backing down. I refuse to play "who had it worse" because my answer to that is to get up and do something to change it. I'm not being stubborn, he's a grown man behaving like a child. I'm sorry that life has been that way for him, but if anything, that just makes me want to try harder to change things around here.
[ he'll be digging his heels in even more now that he's extra motivated, so this bit of insight into things has only hardened his resolve. it seems like this speech of his is winding down, at least. ]
That still doesn't change the rest of what I said. I'm not disputing my debt and intend to continue paying it voluntarily. Majima is welcome to tell the Shuten Clan how they ought to behave, but this is the Alliance, and I do things my way because the Daitengu gives me their blessing to do so. He doesn't have to like me or how I do business, but he'll show me the respect I'm due.
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