You already said it. Because you're living, Mr. Sakamoto. Even if things don't change in ways you want immediately, they still will change by virtue of you being alive. Each day is different, after all. With that said, why not talk about what you wish to? It's not as though I mind listening.
[she says it so gently, one could forget that this started with her having to patch him up from politically dissident birds. the tone she has, it's like she believes these words with all her heart, and she does.
Because I don't like sad things. I don't like them in general, but if they're my sad things it doesn't do me any good to look at them 'cause they just get in the way.
[ why is why he takes himself out of the equation from the start. that's a lot less baggage if he can just pretend like he doesn't have any. ]
It's a nice thought on paper, but I'm the one who has to go home afterwards and sit in it. I'm living out of my office thanks to Majima already, so I try not to make it any harder than it has to be.
Because the guy he sent to collect the money I agreed to pay him broke all the windows, so I just decided to call it a wash and told my landlord to send me a bill because I don't care enough about that place to bother with it.
[ he can't say he minds the change of topic, but he's all very flippant about this despite the circumstances. he's irritated about it, but when it comes to his place, he doesn't care about the apartment itself as much as the feeling of disrespect. ]
Yeah, I told him I wasn't afraid of him and wasn't gonna rush around and do what he said because he told me to. If he wanted my money, I was perfectly willing to pay it. Majima is doing this on purpose, and I won't give him the satisfaction.
[ he's petty sometimes okay. ]
I have a little couch there, and it works fine for now until I can get a new futon. Anyway, I suppose I should give you a fair warning if you want to pass it along.
[ he was going to have to have this conversation anyway, but it feels even worse now that argued about it with izō already... ]
I don't want to make an issue out of this, but I'm not in a position where I can let it slide if he keeps at it. It's a personal matter that I want to keep personal, but now with things going like they are, how's it gonna look if I keep letting him get away with it? I know they think I'm weak. Whatever the hell Majima's problem is, he needs to get it over with and air it out or sit down and shut up because he's the least of my worries right now!
[ alright, so... maybe he's not as calm and cool about it as he'd like to think he is. he doesn't do angry — not over personal matters like this — so he has no idea how to process what he feels. he's jealous, too, but he just can't admit that, and he refuses to acknowledge the other times he's ever felt that way about anything. as usual, it's much easier to ignore the things he doesn't like. ]
[she lets him vent it out, lets the words exist, roll over her, and mulls them in her mind. she goes to the door of the exam room, and locks it, for the sake of something to do with her hands. and then, Emily sits in the chair, looking up at him.]
Would you like my sincere input, Mr. Sakamoto, or would you like to continue facing this problem your way?
[she hadn't asked before. but she knows he'll hate what she has to say.]
I'm not gonna tell him how I feel about him if that's what you're gonna say!
[ it's his ability to say something stupid even when he's angry that's a generally good sign that he's reasonable enough not to act on it. he doesn't enjoy being like this! also, he's been here before and knows exactly how far he gets trying to evade the question (see: exactly nowhere). ]
... Alright, fine. I'll hear you out. But only if you quit calling me Mr. Sakamoto.
There are a few things to consider in your situation. But the most important is that I think you fundamentally misunderstand what direction Majima is coming from. You made your opinion on honor clear to me, but for him...it is a fundamental part of his existence. Imagine, if you would, what you would feel if someone came in and firmly stepped upon one of your life's tenets, and proceeded to deride it. I don't doubt that you intended this, but I also have no doubt that this happened somehow. You gravely insulted him without even knowing it.
I don't say this to chide you, but to let you gauge the sort of man he is. Prideful, yes, and difficult to back down, but you must accept this - this life is what he knows, what he lives and breathes. Coming in to voice grand plans like everyone getting along when historically they thrive on conflict...they do not think you're weak. They think you're a complete fool who has no idea of the sort of people he's trying to strike deals with, who doesn't understand the rules of the world he's in, who talks larger than his rank affords him.
[her hand goes up. no interruptions. all this, she had gathered from talking to Goro, to listening to what he did and did not say, from the lessons on how to behave she was involved in with others in the Alliance.]
These people place a lot more value than you do on status, on who is above who, on rank and obedience. No matter how you personally feel about this life, that is what Majima knows, and how this city appears to be running. Your way of doing things is new and subversive, so naturally you will run into opposition and a resistance to change. Beyond that, he cares about Izo as much as I do. Shooting him and spooking him badly enough to make him flee from all of us set his teeth on edge. Hence your debt, and frankly, how his collectors act is at their own discretion.
[folding her arms, she leans back some in her chair.]
Really, you're equally stubborn, come to think of it. He's simply...too tired to handle those he sees as foolish, Ryouma. Life hasn't been easy for him. [but she's biased, and they both know it. Emily will make no apologies for that.] I don't want you to go and grovel at his feet, now that you know. I only want you to understand something of why.
[ ryouma listens — partly because he doesn't have a choice — and she can tell when he has to bite back the urge to respond. in the end, however, he doesn't launch right back into a response but takes a moment or two longer to gather his thoughts. he sighs and shakes his head a little, trying to keep his tone steady and any misplaced aggravation from creeping in. that isn't meant for her. ]
I'm sorry, do I give the impression of having had an easy life? I realise that you don't know anything about me except what you might've heard so... as much as I don't like to talk about myself because I don't think it's important, I'll fill you in on a few things so you understand where I'm coming from. I hate saying, "do you know who I am" but I think it would save everyone a lot of time. I'm not just some idiot who talks a big talk. I've succeeded with far less at my disposal than I have now.
[ another breath, in and out, and when he exhales, his shoulders slump. tiring, but necessary. ]
I grew up in the same place as Izō. Where we came from, people treated us like animals. We lost friends of ours because they got cut down on the street, and no one lifted a finger because it wasn't a crime, which is just an example. Point is, I have a pretty good idea of what value people place on rank, obedience, and honour. This world is harsh but not nearly as harsh as the one Izō and I grew up in, so what I won't do is sit around and let Majima punish me for doing things differently than how he thinks they ought to be done. I didn't do it back then, and I'm not gonna do it now.
[ ryouma would laugh, but he settles for a small, diplomatic smile instead. ]
I can imagine that feeling you described because people tell me constantly that my dreams and ideals are stupid, foolish, and a waste of time. They tell me I'll end up dead again, so I should shut up and quit while I'm ahead and on and on. It doesn't make me angry because it doesn't matter. Even if I argue about it, I can't change another person's way of life, so I choose to find a way to work with them instead. Like I told Izō, the most powerful men in the country couldn't stop me when I was human. What makes him think it'll happen now? I never meant to insult him, and that much is true. I would tell him as much because I am sorry if I said something that sounded out of line. I don't deny that that can happen.
Otherwise, you're saying that the world has been cruel and Majima can't imagine things another way, so he wants to sabotage me and my work to... prove a point? Teach me a lesson? Incidentally, all I have going for me is my work, so I will defend it to my last breath because it's bigger than all of us. They can't hurt me in a way that matters because there is nothing they can take from me, so I'm not backing down. I refuse to play "who had it worse" because my answer to that is to get up and do something to change it. I'm not being stubborn, he's a grown man behaving like a child. I'm sorry that life has been that way for him, but if anything, that just makes me want to try harder to change things around here.
[ he'll be digging his heels in even more now that he's extra motivated, so this bit of insight into things has only hardened his resolve. it seems like this speech of his is winding down, at least. ]
That still doesn't change the rest of what I said. I'm not disputing my debt and intend to continue paying it voluntarily. Majima is welcome to tell the Shuten Clan how they ought to behave, but this is the Alliance, and I do things my way because the Daitengu gives me their blessing to do so. He doesn't have to like me or how I do business, but he'll show me the respect I'm due.
[to Emily's credit, she's a good listener. she listens, even as her expression twitches at certain points, as she longs to interject - but that's not what she's here for. it's a good amount of insight into the man she's dutybound to follow at the moment, and it's information she'll tuck away, keep close to the chest for now.
she could lay out every card on the table. tell him that Majima likely was trying to help him catch up and quickly, talk about the way he was teaching her how to navigate situations - being harsher than perhaps would really be given, if only to make sure she was prepared for the worst. but, she realizes...it simply doesn't matter. Ryouma could claim he wasn't being stubborn all he wanted, but he is. nothing she says will alter his mind, and as it stands, it's not like he's the only lieutenant the Daitengu has to offer.
somehow, she thinks, she's wandered into the center of men being utterly difficult at each other, in a way that feels vaguely like wrangling dogs that cannot stop snarling at each other.]
Then my advice going forward is to ask Mr. Matoba to handle the bulk of Shuten communication. If you must do it yourself, don't do it alone.
[they're never going to reconcile - and frankly, even as his second, it's not her job to mend the fences. her job is to back him up, and clearly, that extends to keeping him alive.]
[ ryouma is observant, and there are few instances when he's speaking that he notices those twitches and finds it difficult not to react himself. an admirable effort since she'd held a hand up to keep him quiet in his case. he'd needed it. ryouma had indeed asked for help once. it's also easy to let things like that slip away, forgotten when it doesn't feel like he's being done any favours by the education. his pride can be his weakness sometimes, so it's a good thing emily gives good advice. ]
That sure is an option now, huh? Be lyin' to say I'm not glad for it. I would've liked for it to be different, but given the way it is, I'd rather work closely with Tamamo. I always like workin' with Musashi and Tenkohime thinks I'm funny!
[ and just like that, he's quick to want to brush all of that aside and return to a lighter atmosphere. ]
We've got some good resources this time around, too. I like knowing things before I step in 'em, so people who used to do this sorta thing for a living are valuable...
[ for better or worse, the more ryouma talks, the more his accent bleeds through at times. this hasn't been an easy discussion so far, but he's relaxed enough. he knows they're allies, so he feels like he can afford to drop his guard a little more. ]
I don't wanna make them feel like we're desperate, but it'll be good to have people on hand who actually know the other side of this business. I only know what I know, so until I learn I ask.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[she says it so gently, one could forget that this started with her having to patch him up from politically dissident birds. the tone she has, it's like she believes these words with all her heart, and she does.
she's just not the one to talk.]
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[ why is why he takes himself out of the equation from the start. that's a lot less baggage if he can just pretend like he doesn't have any. ]
It's a nice thought on paper, but I'm the one who has to go home afterwards and sit in it. I'm living out of my office thanks to Majima already, so I try not to make it any harder than it has to be.
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[they'll go back to this conversation at another point. probably when she makes him eat. but for now...]
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[ he can't say he minds the change of topic, but he's all very flippant about this despite the circumstances. he's irritated about it, but when it comes to his place, he doesn't care about the apartment itself as much as the feeling of disrespect. ]
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[just saying. you probably said or did something, considering the sort of person you are, but she won't harp on the point.]
That said, if you're committed to the office, at least bring your futon there, so you don't ruin your back.
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[ he's petty sometimes okay. ]
I have a little couch there, and it works fine for now until I can get a new futon. Anyway, I suppose I should give you a fair warning if you want to pass it along.
[ he was going to have to have this conversation anyway, but it feels even worse now that argued about it with izō already... ]
I don't want to make an issue out of this, but I'm not in a position where I can let it slide if he keeps at it. It's a personal matter that I want to keep personal, but now with things going like they are, how's it gonna look if I keep letting him get away with it? I know they think I'm weak. Whatever the hell Majima's problem is, he needs to get it over with and air it out or sit down and shut up because he's the least of my worries right now!
[ alright, so... maybe he's not as calm and cool about it as he'd like to think he is. he doesn't do angry — not over personal matters like this — so he has no idea how to process what he feels. he's jealous, too, but he just can't admit that, and he refuses to acknowledge the other times he's ever felt that way about anything. as usual, it's much easier to ignore the things he doesn't like. ]
... Sorry.
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Would you like my sincere input, Mr. Sakamoto, or would you like to continue facing this problem your way?
[she hadn't asked before. but she knows he'll hate what she has to say.]
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[ it's his ability to say something stupid even when he's angry that's a generally good sign that he's reasonable enough not to act on it. he doesn't enjoy being like this! also, he's been here before and knows exactly how far he gets trying to evade the question (see: exactly nowhere). ]
... Alright, fine. I'll hear you out. But only if you quit calling me Mr. Sakamoto.
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[she takes a breath, wondering where to start.]
There are a few things to consider in your situation. But the most important is that I think you fundamentally misunderstand what direction Majima is coming from. You made your opinion on honor clear to me, but for him...it is a fundamental part of his existence. Imagine, if you would, what you would feel if someone came in and firmly stepped upon one of your life's tenets, and proceeded to deride it. I don't doubt that you intended this, but I also have no doubt that this happened somehow. You gravely insulted him without even knowing it.
I don't say this to chide you, but to let you gauge the sort of man he is. Prideful, yes, and difficult to back down, but you must accept this - this life is what he knows, what he lives and breathes. Coming in to voice grand plans like everyone getting along when historically they thrive on conflict...they do not think you're weak. They think you're a complete fool who has no idea of the sort of people he's trying to strike deals with, who doesn't understand the rules of the world he's in, who talks larger than his rank affords him.
[her hand goes up. no interruptions. all this, she had gathered from talking to Goro, to listening to what he did and did not say, from the lessons on how to behave she was involved in with others in the Alliance.]
These people place a lot more value than you do on status, on who is above who, on rank and obedience. No matter how you personally feel about this life, that is what Majima knows, and how this city appears to be running. Your way of doing things is new and subversive, so naturally you will run into opposition and a resistance to change. Beyond that, he cares about Izo as much as I do. Shooting him and spooking him badly enough to make him flee from all of us set his teeth on edge. Hence your debt, and frankly, how his collectors act is at their own discretion.
[folding her arms, she leans back some in her chair.]
Really, you're equally stubborn, come to think of it. He's simply...too tired to handle those he sees as foolish, Ryouma. Life hasn't been easy for him. [but she's biased, and they both know it. Emily will make no apologies for that.] I don't want you to go and grovel at his feet, now that you know. I only want you to understand something of why.
cries i'm so sorry this is so long
I'm sorry, do I give the impression of having had an easy life? I realise that you don't know anything about me except what you might've heard so... as much as I don't like to talk about myself because I don't think it's important, I'll fill you in on a few things so you understand where I'm coming from. I hate saying, "do you know who I am" but I think it would save everyone a lot of time. I'm not just some idiot who talks a big talk. I've succeeded with far less at my disposal than I have now.
[ another breath, in and out, and when he exhales, his shoulders slump. tiring, but necessary. ]
I grew up in the same place as Izō. Where we came from, people treated us like animals. We lost friends of ours because they got cut down on the street, and no one lifted a finger because it wasn't a crime, which is just an example. Point is, I have a pretty good idea of what value people place on rank, obedience, and honour. This world is harsh but not nearly as harsh as the one Izō and I grew up in, so what I won't do is sit around and let Majima punish me for doing things differently than how he thinks they ought to be done. I didn't do it back then, and I'm not gonna do it now.
[ ryouma would laugh, but he settles for a small, diplomatic smile instead. ]
I can imagine that feeling you described because people tell me constantly that my dreams and ideals are stupid, foolish, and a waste of time. They tell me I'll end up dead again, so I should shut up and quit while I'm ahead and on and on. It doesn't make me angry because it doesn't matter. Even if I argue about it, I can't change another person's way of life, so I choose to find a way to work with them instead. Like I told Izō, the most powerful men in the country couldn't stop me when I was human. What makes him think it'll happen now? I never meant to insult him, and that much is true. I would tell him as much because I am sorry if I said something that sounded out of line. I don't deny that that can happen.
Otherwise, you're saying that the world has been cruel and Majima can't imagine things another way, so he wants to sabotage me and my work to... prove a point? Teach me a lesson? Incidentally, all I have going for me is my work, so I will defend it to my last breath because it's bigger than all of us. They can't hurt me in a way that matters because there is nothing they can take from me, so I'm not backing down. I refuse to play "who had it worse" because my answer to that is to get up and do something to change it. I'm not being stubborn, he's a grown man behaving like a child. I'm sorry that life has been that way for him, but if anything, that just makes me want to try harder to change things around here.
[ he'll be digging his heels in even more now that he's extra motivated, so this bit of insight into things has only hardened his resolve. it seems like this speech of his is winding down, at least. ]
That still doesn't change the rest of what I said. I'm not disputing my debt and intend to continue paying it voluntarily. Majima is welcome to tell the Shuten Clan how they ought to behave, but this is the Alliance, and I do things my way because the Daitengu gives me their blessing to do so. He doesn't have to like me or how I do business, but he'll show me the respect I'm due.
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she could lay out every card on the table. tell him that Majima likely was trying to help him catch up and quickly, talk about the way he was teaching her how to navigate situations - being harsher than perhaps would really be given, if only to make sure she was prepared for the worst. but, she realizes...it simply doesn't matter. Ryouma could claim he wasn't being stubborn all he wanted, but he is. nothing she says will alter his mind, and as it stands, it's not like he's the only lieutenant the Daitengu has to offer.
somehow, she thinks, she's wandered into the center of men being utterly difficult at each other, in a way that feels vaguely like wrangling dogs that cannot stop snarling at each other.]
Then my advice going forward is to ask Mr. Matoba to handle the bulk of Shuten communication. If you must do it yourself, don't do it alone.
[they're never going to reconcile - and frankly, even as his second, it's not her job to mend the fences. her job is to back him up, and clearly, that extends to keeping him alive.]
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he'd needed it.ryouma had indeed asked for help once. it's also easy to let things like that slip away, forgotten when it doesn't feel like he's being done any favours by the education. his pride can be his weakness sometimes, so it's a good thing emily gives good advice. ]That sure is an option now, huh? Be lyin' to say I'm not glad for it. I would've liked for it to be different, but given the way it is, I'd rather work closely with Tamamo. I always like workin' with Musashi and Tenkohime thinks I'm funny!
[ and just like that, he's quick to want to brush all of that aside and return to a lighter atmosphere. ]
We've got some good resources this time around, too. I like knowing things before I step in 'em, so people who used to do this sorta thing for a living are valuable...
[ for better or worse, the more ryouma talks, the more his accent bleeds through at times. this hasn't been an easy discussion so far, but he's relaxed enough. he knows they're allies, so he feels like he can afford to drop his guard a little more. ]
I don't wanna make them feel like we're desperate, but it'll be good to have people on hand who actually know the other side of this business. I only know what I know, so until I learn I ask.