[ tell him about it hizen!! he is also from a time that predates the yen, so he can't accurately wrap his head around the number. he attempted to have jikoogle convert yen into ryou or koku because those are currencies he can understand, but it's unlikely to be an accurate figure in any case. it's a huge amount of money, but he hasn't flinched at the challenge. he'll handle it.
ryouma watches hizen sit down across from him and gives him an odd look. ]
... What do you mean? What else is there to say? Unless you mean what I'm doing about it? [ ugly laughter. ] I'm doing whatever I have to do. It's a good thing I had some savings on hand, but I'll have to find another job before next month since I can't count on anything else turning a profit any sooner than that.
[ ryouma sighs and realise it makes little difference. it's not like others weren't told. ]
I met with the other leaders. The Daitengu was still recovering in the hospital, so I was on my own. The others were accompanied by Majima and Musashi.
[ he wasn't at all worried about going it solo either; ryouma is used to being alone in difficult negotiations, which is why he thought nothing of it. ]
I pitched my idea and answered all their questions. When we were almost finished, there was something I said..? It was a misunderstanding, but I smoothed it over. In any case, I have two months to deliver on my promise or there will be an even worse war...
[ ryouma picks right now to get up and check on the kettle, which isn't ready yet. easier than looking at hizen. ]
'Course I wouldn't be around to see it because your boss would have collected my head himself before that, which really solves the debt issue too, if you think about it.
(Ryouma speaks and Hizen listens. Sword leaning against his shoulder, eyes watching Ryouma even when he looks away. It's not impossible to guess what Hizen might be thinking but he doesn't make it easy.
He isn't happy with what he's hearing but then again, he rarely ever is happy with anything. As for what's bothering Hizen specifically... he feels like he's watching history repeat again. It's almost haunting how Ryouma follows the same beats he did before.
Taking on burdens by himself, working nonstop for a dream, stepping on toes and making enemies along the way, setting himself up to do the impossible under a ridiculous amount of pressure and... inevitably making stupid decisions. Just thinking about it makes Hizen tired and he knows there's little he can do to stop Ryouma. As in the life before, he would be a nonstop force.
When Ryouma finally finishes, Hizen knows it's his turn. He could say something. He could yell. He could scold him. He could press for more information. He coulud just stay quiet and leave Ryouma on his own. Instead what he says is a quiet and flat,)
Well, no, but that's how it works, doesn't it? I was around for a purpose, and as soon as I finished it, there wasn't really any reason to be there anymore. Things happened exactly as they were meant to.
[ it didn't matter if he had things he wanted to do or people he might've wanted to spend time with. he knew what he was getting into and ultimately had no regrets. but now..? ]
(It's a sudden change in topic and when Hizen speaks, the tone of his voice seems to shift. It isn't emotional. He lacks his typical irritation or even any type of anxious care he might have when he usually speaks. It's serious and almost businesslike, like someone giving a report,)
Until that moment, nothing was determined or meant to be. It doesn't matter if you've finished or not, either. The day you died is also the day you were born. You still had your whole life ahead of ya. You got it again now, too.
(Holding his sword tight,)
That's why you can't do the same things ya did last time.
(And make history repeat in this same, eerie way that he's beginning to see.)
[ it's the tone shift that gets his attention. it makes him curious at first, but then it's clear that he's really listening. not to say that he wouldn't ordinarily, but he's listening with the sort of intent that he would if hizen were telling him some kind of important business. ]
I see. Fair enough. I can't promise to be careful, but I won't be as reckless as I was before, at least.
[ if hizen had to witness the end, then he already knows where ryouma was stubbornly, willfully irresponsible, thanks to his pride. that's certainly preventable... ]
Was it really the same day? I suppose I didn't even realise what day it was, only that it was freezing outside, and I was just gettin' over a cold...
[ weird bit of unexpected nostalgia. ]
Anyway, it's summertime and I'm a lot harder to kill these days.
(He nods. It was the same day. He won't admit it out loud but he remembers the day Ryouma was born. Just like he remembers the rest of his time at the Sakamoto estate. It's all in the past now. It isn't important. But he still remembers.
He might not have been at Omiya that particular night; the night when everything first went down but he's heard the stories and he's visited that moment enough times to know how it goes. The exact little details aren't really important. It doesn't matter where he's sitting or what he eats or why he decides to stay. As long as he's in that room with Nakaoka Shintarō. As long as he dies and Mutsunokami shatters. As long as the killer gets away... nothing else matters.)
... You're annoying enough to catch a cold in the summer.
(Isn't the saying supposed to be "only fools catch cold in the summer" and not "annoying people?" It doesn't matter.)
Ahh, but don't worry, alright? Everything'll be okay. If y' feel like helpin' out, I'm always lookin' for information, so lemme know if y' hear anything interestin'!
[ of course he's as flippant about this as he's ever been, more concerned with the work yet to be done instead of any dangers. ]
Not that anything's gonna happen, but I'll say I feel better knowin' you an' Izō got each other no matter what.
[ because in all of it, that's all he cares about. ]
[ it's a question he wishes he didn't ask because there is no good answer for it. ]
I do what I gotta do, like always.
[ there's never been anything in it for him, not then or now, judging by how things have been going for him. ryouma's work succeeds, but anything else always falls through. hard to really mind it, though, when it's still a win regardless of how lonely it might be along the way. that's just how it goes. ]
(Again with the dodgy answers. It reminds him of Mutsunokami when he has something heavy on his mind and doesn't want to talk; it reminds Hizen of how Mutsunokami is when he needs to talk the most but won't let himself.
Hizen is quiet. He doesn't reply right away and he instead lets this observation of his sit with him. Now that he's acknowledged it, he can choose to ignore it or pursue it.)
Ain't like always. (He says it quietly, like he isn't really sure of what he's saying,) You're different now.
[ he's not jumping to deny it, but he wonders what hizen might have observed that he hasn't. ]
If ya mean 'cause of what I am, that's even better. Plus, everybody's got their own lives now.
[ he doesn't finish the thought, but anyone could guess what he means — what ryouma probably whole-heartedly believes because things start to feel real in that way when you're living alone in your own head for months — no one would miss him. ]
(Hizen has never been good with words and he knows he needs to explain more but... give him a moment to try his best,)
Dunno... just feels like words sometimes. (Like he isn't saying what he really means. Like he isn't saying the whole thing. It just feels... empty to him sometimes. Or far away? It doesn't feel like he's really hearing Ryouma's spirit. That heart Mutsunokami is always talking about.) ... Nevermind.
(He gets up and scratches at the back of his head, sticking one hand in his pocket anxiously,)
Just keep running your mouth and running around. Ain't like anyone can stop ya.
[ but even as he says it, he knows hizen's right. he sighs. ]
Nothin' gets by ya, huh? I had a pretty clear goal back then, so it was easy t' keep moving towards it. It's different here, so I guess I really haven't had my heart in it lately. Ain't like I'm gonna quit doin' what I'm doin', it's just hard sometimes doin' it all alone.
[ he's ashamed enough to admit it that he can't even look at hizen because he expects to see judgement there. ]
I'm pretty sure I ruined things with Izō for good. Ain't like anything was ever for me but there's gotta be—... [ he shakes his head and makes an effort to keep emotion out of his tone. that's how he scared people off when he doesn't mean to. ] I'm just a little tired, that's all. I jus' need a little time.
(So he admits to it. He'd expected Ryouma to try to brush it off or talk around it again. His heart hasn't been into it, huh? He's quiet for a moment and considers that. Yes, that sounds right. That would explain the far off feeling he gets when Ryouma talks.
An argument or something with Izo? Is that what the problem is? No, there's more to it, still and Hizen just watches Ryouma. There's no judgment just... well, he's much like an animal just observing someone. Something foreign, something he doesn't really understand, but something he's trying to make sense of. The Ryouma he knows and the Ryouma he's heard of are two different people. But this Ryouma feels...
Hm.)
Ain't like ya to just let things be. (Ruined or not.) Dunno... it's hard working on things when ya won't get close to 'em.
(Shaking his head. He's really not the one for this, he thinks. He's no good at these conversations.)
You should rest. Even if ya don't gotta sleep, the spirit gets tired.
Maybe. I've been goin' this whole time, y' know? Ever since back then. Me and Oryou... we never really stopped. We never really needed to. Ya know me, I'm always movin' on to the next thing, and there ain't much stoppin' ya when things like time ain't even a barrier anymore.
[ ryouma did not love that job most of the time, but he speaks of it now almost wistfully. less a longing for the work and more because he speaks of a time when oryou was there with him. it was tedious and painful work sometimes, but he could do anything with the right company. ]
I'm startin' to run outta ideas. I'm used to it bein' difficult and havin' to keep pushin' until I get somethin', but how well do ya suppose I'm gonna be able t' change his mind once it's made up? This is what I deserve anyway, isn't it? What I did back then doesn't make up for hurtin' either of ya.
[ yes, it may not have been him, personally, who gave hizen away, but he's taken that on already for a long time now. ]
(Oryou again. Hizen doesn't know her, at least, not personally. He knows from stories they were very much in love but he's never seen it for himself.
But he does know what it's like to be separated from the ones you love. From the ones that had made you feel like yourself. And then to suddenly be on your own with no one.
If Hizen was going to say anything (and he was) the idea gets tossed out the window the moment Ryouma mentions his own hurt, though. Hizen clenches his fist at his side and tenses.)
This ain't about me. (If this is distracting Ryouma then he needs to clear it,) Knock it off.
Well, sorry. It's not so easy t' knock it off. It's hell on Izō and I dunno the half from what I been told, and you're a lot like him. So... for what it's worth, I'm sorry.
[ what else can he do? he's so bad at this. hizen thinks he's bad at this stuff? for all that ryouma is supposed to be good at dealing with people, it's especially awkward when you get down to it and realise he isn't. ]
(No matter how similar they are, he's still his own person. He isn't Izo. He can never be Izo. Just like how Mutsunokami is like Ryouma but still his own person.)
Yeah, I know! I only meant—... you went through the same sorta things. I can't really understand 'cause I didn't see it for myself, but I can... try? Dunno. I'm doin' my best here, see?
[ he's not frustrated with hizen, only himself, but it's certainly not helping the problem either. ]
(Fists clenched, standing tall, practically shaking besides himself, and clenching his jaw tightly, he can feel his temper rise.
"You went through the same things" and what does he know about that? It's not like he was there.
"I can't understand 'cause I didn't see it" He can't.
"But I can try." And this is it?
"I'm doing my best." Is he?
"See?" No.
"I'm sorry." For what?!
Each piece chips at him and it makes him feel so damned tired putting up with it all.)
If ya don't understand... (This is what it is. It's all a misunderstanding. He knows it. He's always known. Even from his side, it's a clear misunderstanding because even Hizen can't understand. No matter how much he tries to make sense of it and how much he rationalizes it, there are still things he can't understand. He tries to keep his voice calm but there's obvious tension. He speaks slowly and carefully. It's a very controlled tone,) Then why don't ya ask?
(A tremble sneaks slips into his words, betraying his own frustrations,)
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(And a hundred million yen. A HUNDRED MILLION YEN HE HAS NEVER HEARD OF SO MUCH MONEY IN HIS LIFE.
Okay but... Hizen is going to come a little closer and sit somewhere? Across from Ryouma's desk or something.)
I wanna know what's going on.
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ryouma watches hizen sit down across from him and gives him an odd look. ]
... What do you mean? What else is there to say? Unless you mean what I'm doing about it? [ ugly laughter. ] I'm doing whatever I have to do. It's a good thing I had some savings on hand, but I'll have to find another job before next month since I can't count on anything else turning a profit any sooner than that.
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(He's... pretty clueless! He doesn't fuss with things like power dramas or political intrigue. He's very much been doing other things.)
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[ he's not exactly worried that hizen is a gossip or anything, but it prevents any confusion. ]
I was doing alright, actually. Considering what I was up against..? Pretty alright. Your boss ain't a fan, I'll say that much.
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(G O D ! But he nods. He isn't surprised to hear this is what Ryouma is working on but--)
And ya aren't gonna say what all went down?
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[ ryouma sighs and realise it makes little difference. it's not like others weren't told. ]
I met with the other leaders. The Daitengu was still recovering in the hospital, so I was on my own. The others were accompanied by Majima and Musashi.
[ he wasn't at all worried about going it solo either; ryouma is used to being alone in difficult negotiations, which is why he thought nothing of it. ]
I pitched my idea and answered all their questions. When we were almost finished, there was something I said..? It was a misunderstanding, but I smoothed it over. In any case, I have two months to deliver on my promise or there will be an even worse war...
[ ryouma picks right now to get up and check on the kettle, which isn't ready yet. easier than looking at hizen. ]
'Course I wouldn't be around to see it because your boss would have collected my head himself before that, which really solves the debt issue too, if you think about it.
Not that I have any intention of dying.
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He isn't happy with what he's hearing but then again, he rarely ever is happy with anything. As for what's bothering Hizen specifically... he feels like he's watching history repeat again. It's almost haunting how Ryouma follows the same beats he did before.
Taking on burdens by himself, working nonstop for a dream, stepping on toes and making enemies along the way, setting himself up to do the impossible under a ridiculous amount of pressure and... inevitably making stupid decisions. Just thinking about it makes Hizen tired and he knows there's little he can do to stop Ryouma. As in the life before, he would be a nonstop force.
When Ryouma finally finishes, Hizen knows it's his turn. He could say something. He could yell. He could scold him. He could press for more information. He coulud just stay quiet and leave Ryouma on his own. Instead what he says is a quiet and flat,)
You didn't before, either.
(Have any intention of dying.)
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[ it didn't matter if he had things he wanted to do or people he might've wanted to spend time with. he knew what he was getting into and ultimately had no regrets. but now..? ]
I'm not finished here yet, so I can't die.
[ he sounds very sure. ]
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(It's a sudden change in topic and when Hizen speaks, the tone of his voice seems to shift. It isn't emotional. He lacks his typical irritation or even any type of anxious care he might have when he usually speaks. It's serious and almost businesslike, like someone giving a report,)
Until that moment, nothing was determined or meant to be. It doesn't matter if you've finished or not, either. The day you died is also the day you were born. You still had your whole life ahead of ya. You got it again now, too.
(Holding his sword tight,)
That's why you can't do the same things ya did last time.
(And make history repeat in this same, eerie way that he's beginning to see.)
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[ it's the tone shift that gets his attention. it makes him curious at first, but then it's clear that he's really listening. not to say that he wouldn't ordinarily, but he's listening with the sort of intent that he would if hizen were telling him some kind of important business. ]
I see. Fair enough. I can't promise to be careful, but I won't be as reckless as I was before, at least.
[ if hizen had to witness the end, then he already knows where ryouma was stubbornly, willfully irresponsible, thanks to his pride. that's certainly preventable... ]
Was it really the same day? I suppose I didn't even realise what day it was, only that it was freezing outside, and I was just gettin' over a cold...
[ weird bit of unexpected nostalgia. ]
Anyway, it's summertime and I'm a lot harder to kill these days.
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He might not have been at Omiya that particular night; the night when everything first went down but he's heard the stories and he's visited that moment enough times to know how it goes. The exact little details aren't really important. It doesn't matter where he's sitting or what he eats or why he decides to stay. As long as he's in that room with Nakaoka Shintarō. As long as he dies and Mutsunokami shatters. As long as the killer gets away... nothing else matters.)
... You're annoying enough to catch a cold in the summer.
(Isn't the saying supposed to be "only fools catch cold in the summer" and not "annoying people?" It doesn't matter.)
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[ of course he's as flippant about this as he's ever been, more concerned with the work yet to be done instead of any dangers. ]
Not that anything's gonna happen, but I'll say I feel better knowin' you an' Izō got each other no matter what.
[ because in all of it, that's all he cares about. ]
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And Hizen just
sighs and goes quiet. There's definitely something on his mind.)
And you?
(Who has Ryouma no matter what?)
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[ it's a question he wishes he didn't ask because there is no good answer for it. ]
I do what I gotta do, like always.
[ there's never been anything in it for him, not then or now, judging by how things have been going for him. ryouma's work succeeds, but anything else always falls through. hard to really mind it, though, when it's still a win regardless of how lonely it might be along the way. that's just how it goes. ]
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(Again with the dodgy answers. It reminds him of Mutsunokami when he has something heavy on his mind and doesn't want to talk; it reminds Hizen of how Mutsunokami is when he needs to talk the most but won't let himself.
Hizen is quiet. He doesn't reply right away and he instead lets this observation of his sit with him. Now that he's acknowledged it, he can choose to ignore it or pursue it.)
Ain't like always. (He says it quietly, like he isn't really sure of what he's saying,) You're different now.
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[ he's not jumping to deny it, but he wonders what hizen might have observed that he hasn't. ]
If ya mean 'cause of what I am, that's even better. Plus, everybody's got their own lives now.
[ he doesn't finish the thought, but anyone could guess what he means — what ryouma probably whole-heartedly believes because things start to feel real in that way when you're living alone in your own head for months — no one would miss him. ]
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(Hizen has never been good with words and he knows he needs to explain more but... give him a moment to try his best,)
Dunno... just feels like words sometimes. (Like he isn't saying what he really means. Like he isn't saying the whole thing. It just feels... empty to him sometimes. Or far away? It doesn't feel like he's really hearing Ryouma's spirit. That heart Mutsunokami is always talking about.) ... Nevermind.
(He gets up and scratches at the back of his head, sticking one hand in his pocket anxiously,)
Just keep running your mouth and running around. Ain't like anyone can stop ya.
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[ but even as he says it, he knows hizen's right. he sighs. ]
Nothin' gets by ya, huh? I had a pretty clear goal back then, so it was easy t' keep moving towards it. It's different here, so I guess I really haven't had my heart in it lately. Ain't like I'm gonna quit doin' what I'm doin', it's just hard sometimes doin' it all alone.
[ he's ashamed enough to admit it that he can't even look at hizen because he expects to see judgement there. ]
I'm pretty sure I ruined things with Izō for good. Ain't like anything was ever for me but there's gotta be—... [ he shakes his head and makes an effort to keep emotion out of his tone. that's how he scared people off when he doesn't mean to. ] I'm just a little tired, that's all. I jus' need a little time.
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An argument or something with Izo? Is that what the problem is? No, there's more to it, still and Hizen just watches Ryouma. There's no judgment just... well, he's much like an animal just observing someone. Something foreign, something he doesn't really understand, but something he's trying to make sense of. The Ryouma he knows and the Ryouma he's heard of are two different people. But this Ryouma feels...
Hm.)
Ain't like ya to just let things be. (Ruined or not.) Dunno... it's hard working on things when ya won't get close to 'em.
(Shaking his head. He's really not the one for this, he thinks. He's no good at these conversations.)
You should rest. Even if ya don't gotta sleep, the spirit gets tired.
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[ ryouma did not love that job most of the time, but he speaks of it now almost wistfully. less a longing for the work and more because he speaks of a time when oryou was there with him. it was tedious and painful work sometimes, but he could do anything with the right company. ]
I'm startin' to run outta ideas. I'm used to it bein' difficult and havin' to keep pushin' until I get somethin', but how well do ya suppose I'm gonna be able t' change his mind once it's made up? This is what I deserve anyway, isn't it? What I did back then doesn't make up for hurtin' either of ya.
[ yes, it may not have been him, personally, who gave hizen away, but he's taken that on already for a long time now. ]
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But he does know what it's like to be separated from the ones you love. From the ones that had made you feel like yourself. And then to suddenly be on your own with no one.
If Hizen was going to say anything (and he was) the idea gets tossed out the window the moment Ryouma mentions his own hurt, though. Hizen clenches his fist at his side and tenses.)
This ain't about me. (If this is distracting Ryouma then he needs to clear it,) Knock it off.
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[ what else can he do? he's so bad at this. hizen thinks he's bad at this stuff? for all that ryouma is supposed to be good at dealing with people, it's especially awkward when you get down to it and realise he isn't. ]
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(No matter how similar they are, he's still his own person. He isn't Izo. He can never be Izo. Just like how Mutsunokami is like Ryouma but still his own person.)
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[ he's not frustrated with hizen, only himself, but it's certainly not helping the problem either. ]
But I am sorry.
[ what else can he do but keep apologising? ]
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"You went through the same things" and what does he know about that? It's not like he was there.
"I can't understand 'cause I didn't see it" He can't.
"But I can try." And this is it?
"I'm doing my best." Is he?
"See?" No.
"I'm sorry." For what?!
Each piece chips at him and it makes him feel so damned tired putting up with it all.)
If ya don't understand... (This is what it is. It's all a misunderstanding. He knows it. He's always known. Even from his side, it's a clear misunderstanding because even Hizen can't understand. No matter how much he tries to make sense of it and how much he rationalizes it, there are still things he can't understand. He tries to keep his voice calm but there's obvious tension. He speaks slowly and carefully. It's a very controlled tone,) Then why don't ya ask?
(A tremble sneaks slips into his words, betraying his own frustrations,)
'Stead of talking about things you don't know?
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