[ it's a question he wishes he didn't ask because there is no good answer for it. ]
I do what I gotta do, like always.
[ there's never been anything in it for him, not then or now, judging by how things have been going for him. ryouma's work succeeds, but anything else always falls through. hard to really mind it, though, when it's still a win regardless of how lonely it might be along the way. that's just how it goes. ]
(Again with the dodgy answers. It reminds him of Mutsunokami when he has something heavy on his mind and doesn't want to talk; it reminds Hizen of how Mutsunokami is when he needs to talk the most but won't let himself.
Hizen is quiet. He doesn't reply right away and he instead lets this observation of his sit with him. Now that he's acknowledged it, he can choose to ignore it or pursue it.)
Ain't like always. (He says it quietly, like he isn't really sure of what he's saying,) You're different now.
[ he's not jumping to deny it, but he wonders what hizen might have observed that he hasn't. ]
If ya mean 'cause of what I am, that's even better. Plus, everybody's got their own lives now.
[ he doesn't finish the thought, but anyone could guess what he means — what ryouma probably whole-heartedly believes because things start to feel real in that way when you're living alone in your own head for months — no one would miss him. ]
(Hizen has never been good with words and he knows he needs to explain more but... give him a moment to try his best,)
Dunno... just feels like words sometimes. (Like he isn't saying what he really means. Like he isn't saying the whole thing. It just feels... empty to him sometimes. Or far away? It doesn't feel like he's really hearing Ryouma's spirit. That heart Mutsunokami is always talking about.) ... Nevermind.
(He gets up and scratches at the back of his head, sticking one hand in his pocket anxiously,)
Just keep running your mouth and running around. Ain't like anyone can stop ya.
[ but even as he says it, he knows hizen's right. he sighs. ]
Nothin' gets by ya, huh? I had a pretty clear goal back then, so it was easy t' keep moving towards it. It's different here, so I guess I really haven't had my heart in it lately. Ain't like I'm gonna quit doin' what I'm doin', it's just hard sometimes doin' it all alone.
[ he's ashamed enough to admit it that he can't even look at hizen because he expects to see judgement there. ]
I'm pretty sure I ruined things with Izō for good. Ain't like anything was ever for me but there's gotta be—... [ he shakes his head and makes an effort to keep emotion out of his tone. that's how he scared people off when he doesn't mean to. ] I'm just a little tired, that's all. I jus' need a little time.
(So he admits to it. He'd expected Ryouma to try to brush it off or talk around it again. His heart hasn't been into it, huh? He's quiet for a moment and considers that. Yes, that sounds right. That would explain the far off feeling he gets when Ryouma talks.
An argument or something with Izo? Is that what the problem is? No, there's more to it, still and Hizen just watches Ryouma. There's no judgment just... well, he's much like an animal just observing someone. Something foreign, something he doesn't really understand, but something he's trying to make sense of. The Ryouma he knows and the Ryouma he's heard of are two different people. But this Ryouma feels...
Hm.)
Ain't like ya to just let things be. (Ruined or not.) Dunno... it's hard working on things when ya won't get close to 'em.
(Shaking his head. He's really not the one for this, he thinks. He's no good at these conversations.)
You should rest. Even if ya don't gotta sleep, the spirit gets tired.
Maybe. I've been goin' this whole time, y' know? Ever since back then. Me and Oryou... we never really stopped. We never really needed to. Ya know me, I'm always movin' on to the next thing, and there ain't much stoppin' ya when things like time ain't even a barrier anymore.
[ ryouma did not love that job most of the time, but he speaks of it now almost wistfully. less a longing for the work and more because he speaks of a time when oryou was there with him. it was tedious and painful work sometimes, but he could do anything with the right company. ]
I'm startin' to run outta ideas. I'm used to it bein' difficult and havin' to keep pushin' until I get somethin', but how well do ya suppose I'm gonna be able t' change his mind once it's made up? This is what I deserve anyway, isn't it? What I did back then doesn't make up for hurtin' either of ya.
[ yes, it may not have been him, personally, who gave hizen away, but he's taken that on already for a long time now. ]
(Oryou again. Hizen doesn't know her, at least, not personally. He knows from stories they were very much in love but he's never seen it for himself.
But he does know what it's like to be separated from the ones you love. From the ones that had made you feel like yourself. And then to suddenly be on your own with no one.
If Hizen was going to say anything (and he was) the idea gets tossed out the window the moment Ryouma mentions his own hurt, though. Hizen clenches his fist at his side and tenses.)
This ain't about me. (If this is distracting Ryouma then he needs to clear it,) Knock it off.
Well, sorry. It's not so easy t' knock it off. It's hell on Izō and I dunno the half from what I been told, and you're a lot like him. So... for what it's worth, I'm sorry.
[ what else can he do? he's so bad at this. hizen thinks he's bad at this stuff? for all that ryouma is supposed to be good at dealing with people, it's especially awkward when you get down to it and realise he isn't. ]
(No matter how similar they are, he's still his own person. He isn't Izo. He can never be Izo. Just like how Mutsunokami is like Ryouma but still his own person.)
Yeah, I know! I only meant—... you went through the same sorta things. I can't really understand 'cause I didn't see it for myself, but I can... try? Dunno. I'm doin' my best here, see?
[ he's not frustrated with hizen, only himself, but it's certainly not helping the problem either. ]
(Fists clenched, standing tall, practically shaking besides himself, and clenching his jaw tightly, he can feel his temper rise.
"You went through the same things" and what does he know about that? It's not like he was there.
"I can't understand 'cause I didn't see it" He can't.
"But I can try." And this is it?
"I'm doing my best." Is he?
"See?" No.
"I'm sorry." For what?!
Each piece chips at him and it makes him feel so damned tired putting up with it all.)
If ya don't understand... (This is what it is. It's all a misunderstanding. He knows it. He's always known. Even from his side, it's a clear misunderstanding because even Hizen can't understand. No matter how much he tries to make sense of it and how much he rationalizes it, there are still things he can't understand. He tries to keep his voice calm but there's obvious tension. He speaks slowly and carefully. It's a very controlled tone,) Then why don't ya ask?
(A tremble sneaks slips into his words, betraying his own frustrations,)
[ maybe it should have been an obvious thing, but from the way he looks surprised, it clearly wasn't. really makes you feel foolish, and he gets to add a little shame to his expression too. ]
Then consider this me askin'. Help me see what I'm missin'. Please? I'm not askin' about him. I'll ask Izō about Izō.
[ he looks at hizen now, finally. this isn't what he'd planned for this, but since it's happening he'll stick with it as long as he can. maybe that's a sign of how bad it's gotten that he's willing to wade through these issues if it means he might get to hold on to someone. he's sticking to it right now like a life line, for lack of any better ideas. ]
(When you open the door, you have to let everything in. Hizen's tension seems to relax some and he makes his way towards Ryouma slowly.
Slowly, carefully, uncertainly, but still willing.
He reaches out, hand held up for Ryouma to get a little more down on his level so that he can... play his hand on his head. He applies a little bit of force to push his head down. There's something... vaguely reassuring about how he does it, though. He isn't trying to be harsh or scolding right now. )
Your head's a mess. Like Katsurahama... your swimmin' around in everything and trying to keep your head up.
(Katsurahama is famous for its strong currents. Everyone was always told to be careful when entering the waters and most dared not enter unless they were certain of their strength and skill lest they be swept out to sea.)
Take a break. Get somethin' to eat.
(Hand slipping back to his side and looking away,)
And when you're all rested and ready... ask again... Ryouma.
[ ryouma is a little confused at first, but once he settles the gesture and the words together are a lot more reassuring than he could've expected. it's not what he asked for, but it'd be a lie to say he didn't feel just a little relieved at the same time.
he doesn't object because hizen is probably right and rest is what he needs. he doesn't have the same sort of oversight here to keep him from running himself ragged until he can't anymore. ]
... Okay. I'll try.
[ when will he ever feel rested? or ready? maybe never entirely, but he could do better. ]
No, I will. 'Cause I gotta. I don't like it this way. That's never the kinda person I wanna be, who's too scared to deal with things.
[ he's been running for a long time and, now that he's acknowledging it, he slipped for a moment, but ryouma is still who he is and he can't live with just wallowing in it. ]
(A quiet nod in agreement. When it's better. But for now, Ryouma needs to rest. They both do so they can sort their thoughts. Ryouma will get his questions ready and Hizen will have his answers ready. Yes.
Sticking his hands in his pockets, he'll excuse himself for now.)
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ it's a question he wishes he didn't ask because there is no good answer for it. ]
I do what I gotta do, like always.
[ there's never been anything in it for him, not then or now, judging by how things have been going for him. ryouma's work succeeds, but anything else always falls through. hard to really mind it, though, when it's still a win regardless of how lonely it might be along the way. that's just how it goes. ]
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(Again with the dodgy answers. It reminds him of Mutsunokami when he has something heavy on his mind and doesn't want to talk; it reminds Hizen of how Mutsunokami is when he needs to talk the most but won't let himself.
Hizen is quiet. He doesn't reply right away and he instead lets this observation of his sit with him. Now that he's acknowledged it, he can choose to ignore it or pursue it.)
Ain't like always. (He says it quietly, like he isn't really sure of what he's saying,) You're different now.
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[ he's not jumping to deny it, but he wonders what hizen might have observed that he hasn't. ]
If ya mean 'cause of what I am, that's even better. Plus, everybody's got their own lives now.
[ he doesn't finish the thought, but anyone could guess what he means — what ryouma probably whole-heartedly believes because things start to feel real in that way when you're living alone in your own head for months — no one would miss him. ]
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(Hizen has never been good with words and he knows he needs to explain more but... give him a moment to try his best,)
Dunno... just feels like words sometimes. (Like he isn't saying what he really means. Like he isn't saying the whole thing. It just feels... empty to him sometimes. Or far away? It doesn't feel like he's really hearing Ryouma's spirit. That heart Mutsunokami is always talking about.) ... Nevermind.
(He gets up and scratches at the back of his head, sticking one hand in his pocket anxiously,)
Just keep running your mouth and running around. Ain't like anyone can stop ya.
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[ but even as he says it, he knows hizen's right. he sighs. ]
Nothin' gets by ya, huh? I had a pretty clear goal back then, so it was easy t' keep moving towards it. It's different here, so I guess I really haven't had my heart in it lately. Ain't like I'm gonna quit doin' what I'm doin', it's just hard sometimes doin' it all alone.
[ he's ashamed enough to admit it that he can't even look at hizen because he expects to see judgement there. ]
I'm pretty sure I ruined things with Izō for good. Ain't like anything was ever for me but there's gotta be—... [ he shakes his head and makes an effort to keep emotion out of his tone. that's how he scared people off when he doesn't mean to. ] I'm just a little tired, that's all. I jus' need a little time.
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An argument or something with Izo? Is that what the problem is? No, there's more to it, still and Hizen just watches Ryouma. There's no judgment just... well, he's much like an animal just observing someone. Something foreign, something he doesn't really understand, but something he's trying to make sense of. The Ryouma he knows and the Ryouma he's heard of are two different people. But this Ryouma feels...
Hm.)
Ain't like ya to just let things be. (Ruined or not.) Dunno... it's hard working on things when ya won't get close to 'em.
(Shaking his head. He's really not the one for this, he thinks. He's no good at these conversations.)
You should rest. Even if ya don't gotta sleep, the spirit gets tired.
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[ ryouma did not love that job most of the time, but he speaks of it now almost wistfully. less a longing for the work and more because he speaks of a time when oryou was there with him. it was tedious and painful work sometimes, but he could do anything with the right company. ]
I'm startin' to run outta ideas. I'm used to it bein' difficult and havin' to keep pushin' until I get somethin', but how well do ya suppose I'm gonna be able t' change his mind once it's made up? This is what I deserve anyway, isn't it? What I did back then doesn't make up for hurtin' either of ya.
[ yes, it may not have been him, personally, who gave hizen away, but he's taken that on already for a long time now. ]
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But he does know what it's like to be separated from the ones you love. From the ones that had made you feel like yourself. And then to suddenly be on your own with no one.
If Hizen was going to say anything (and he was) the idea gets tossed out the window the moment Ryouma mentions his own hurt, though. Hizen clenches his fist at his side and tenses.)
This ain't about me. (If this is distracting Ryouma then he needs to clear it,) Knock it off.
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[ what else can he do? he's so bad at this. hizen thinks he's bad at this stuff? for all that ryouma is supposed to be good at dealing with people, it's especially awkward when you get down to it and realise he isn't. ]
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(No matter how similar they are, he's still his own person. He isn't Izo. He can never be Izo. Just like how Mutsunokami is like Ryouma but still his own person.)
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[ he's not frustrated with hizen, only himself, but it's certainly not helping the problem either. ]
But I am sorry.
[ what else can he do but keep apologising? ]
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"You went through the same things" and what does he know about that? It's not like he was there.
"I can't understand 'cause I didn't see it" He can't.
"But I can try." And this is it?
"I'm doing my best." Is he?
"See?" No.
"I'm sorry." For what?!
Each piece chips at him and it makes him feel so damned tired putting up with it all.)
If ya don't understand... (This is what it is. It's all a misunderstanding. He knows it. He's always known. Even from his side, it's a clear misunderstanding because even Hizen can't understand. No matter how much he tries to make sense of it and how much he rationalizes it, there are still things he can't understand. He tries to keep his voice calm but there's obvious tension. He speaks slowly and carefully. It's a very controlled tone,) Then why don't ya ask?
(A tremble sneaks slips into his words, betraying his own frustrations,)
'Stead of talking about things you don't know?
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Then consider this me askin'. Help me see what I'm missin'. Please? I'm not askin' about him. I'll ask Izō about Izō.
[ he looks at hizen now, finally. this isn't what he'd planned for this, but since it's happening he'll stick with it as long as he can. maybe that's a sign of how bad it's gotten that he's willing to wade through these issues if it means he might get to hold on to someone. he's sticking to it right now like a life line, for lack of any better ideas. ]
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Slowly, carefully, uncertainly, but still willing.
He reaches out, hand held up for Ryouma to get a little more down on his level so that he can... play his hand on his head. He applies a little bit of force to push his head down. There's something... vaguely reassuring about how he does it, though. He isn't trying to be harsh or scolding right now. )
Your head's a mess. Like Katsurahama... your swimmin' around in everything and trying to keep your head up.
(Katsurahama is famous for its strong currents. Everyone was always told to be careful when entering the waters and most dared not enter unless they were certain of their strength and skill lest they be swept out to sea.)
Take a break. Get somethin' to eat.
(Hand slipping back to his side and looking away,)
And when you're all rested and ready... ask again... Ryouma.
(And just so that this isn't all about Ryouma--)
Gotta get my head right, too.
(This gives them both time to get ready.)
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he doesn't object because hizen is probably right and rest is what he needs. he doesn't have the same sort of oversight here to keep him from running himself ragged until he can't anymore. ]
... Okay. I'll try.
[ when will he ever feel rested? or ready? maybe never entirely, but he could do better. ]
No, I will. 'Cause I gotta. I don't like it this way. That's never the kinda person I wanna be, who's too scared to deal with things.
[ he's been running for a long time and, now that he's acknowledging it, he slipped for a moment, but ryouma is still who he is and he can't live with just wallowing in it. ]
When it's... better.
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(A quiet nod in agreement. When it's better. But for now, Ryouma needs to rest. They both do so they can sort their thoughts. Ryouma will get his questions ready and Hizen will have his answers ready. Yes.
Sticking his hands in his pockets, he'll excuse himself for now.)