Yeah, I know! I only meant—... you went through the same sorta things. I can't really understand 'cause I didn't see it for myself, but I can... try? Dunno. I'm doin' my best here, see?
[ he's not frustrated with hizen, only himself, but it's certainly not helping the problem either. ]
(Fists clenched, standing tall, practically shaking besides himself, and clenching his jaw tightly, he can feel his temper rise.
"You went through the same things" and what does he know about that? It's not like he was there.
"I can't understand 'cause I didn't see it" He can't.
"But I can try." And this is it?
"I'm doing my best." Is he?
"See?" No.
"I'm sorry." For what?!
Each piece chips at him and it makes him feel so damned tired putting up with it all.)
If ya don't understand... (This is what it is. It's all a misunderstanding. He knows it. He's always known. Even from his side, it's a clear misunderstanding because even Hizen can't understand. No matter how much he tries to make sense of it and how much he rationalizes it, there are still things he can't understand. He tries to keep his voice calm but there's obvious tension. He speaks slowly and carefully. It's a very controlled tone,) Then why don't ya ask?
(A tremble sneaks slips into his words, betraying his own frustrations,)
[ maybe it should have been an obvious thing, but from the way he looks surprised, it clearly wasn't. really makes you feel foolish, and he gets to add a little shame to his expression too. ]
Then consider this me askin'. Help me see what I'm missin'. Please? I'm not askin' about him. I'll ask Izō about Izō.
[ he looks at hizen now, finally. this isn't what he'd planned for this, but since it's happening he'll stick with it as long as he can. maybe that's a sign of how bad it's gotten that he's willing to wade through these issues if it means he might get to hold on to someone. he's sticking to it right now like a life line, for lack of any better ideas. ]
(When you open the door, you have to let everything in. Hizen's tension seems to relax some and he makes his way towards Ryouma slowly.
Slowly, carefully, uncertainly, but still willing.
He reaches out, hand held up for Ryouma to get a little more down on his level so that he can... play his hand on his head. He applies a little bit of force to push his head down. There's something... vaguely reassuring about how he does it, though. He isn't trying to be harsh or scolding right now. )
Your head's a mess. Like Katsurahama... your swimmin' around in everything and trying to keep your head up.
(Katsurahama is famous for its strong currents. Everyone was always told to be careful when entering the waters and most dared not enter unless they were certain of their strength and skill lest they be swept out to sea.)
Take a break. Get somethin' to eat.
(Hand slipping back to his side and looking away,)
And when you're all rested and ready... ask again... Ryouma.
[ ryouma is a little confused at first, but once he settles the gesture and the words together are a lot more reassuring than he could've expected. it's not what he asked for, but it'd be a lie to say he didn't feel just a little relieved at the same time.
he doesn't object because hizen is probably right and rest is what he needs. he doesn't have the same sort of oversight here to keep him from running himself ragged until he can't anymore. ]
... Okay. I'll try.
[ when will he ever feel rested? or ready? maybe never entirely, but he could do better. ]
No, I will. 'Cause I gotta. I don't like it this way. That's never the kinda person I wanna be, who's too scared to deal with things.
[ he's been running for a long time and, now that he's acknowledging it, he slipped for a moment, but ryouma is still who he is and he can't live with just wallowing in it. ]
(A quiet nod in agreement. When it's better. But for now, Ryouma needs to rest. They both do so they can sort their thoughts. Ryouma will get his questions ready and Hizen will have his answers ready. Yes.
Sticking his hands in his pockets, he'll excuse himself for now.)
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ he's not frustrated with hizen, only himself, but it's certainly not helping the problem either. ]
But I am sorry.
[ what else can he do but keep apologising? ]
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"You went through the same things" and what does he know about that? It's not like he was there.
"I can't understand 'cause I didn't see it" He can't.
"But I can try." And this is it?
"I'm doing my best." Is he?
"See?" No.
"I'm sorry." For what?!
Each piece chips at him and it makes him feel so damned tired putting up with it all.)
If ya don't understand... (This is what it is. It's all a misunderstanding. He knows it. He's always known. Even from his side, it's a clear misunderstanding because even Hizen can't understand. No matter how much he tries to make sense of it and how much he rationalizes it, there are still things he can't understand. He tries to keep his voice calm but there's obvious tension. He speaks slowly and carefully. It's a very controlled tone,) Then why don't ya ask?
(A tremble sneaks slips into his words, betraying his own frustrations,)
'Stead of talking about things you don't know?
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Then consider this me askin'. Help me see what I'm missin'. Please? I'm not askin' about him. I'll ask Izō about Izō.
[ he looks at hizen now, finally. this isn't what he'd planned for this, but since it's happening he'll stick with it as long as he can. maybe that's a sign of how bad it's gotten that he's willing to wade through these issues if it means he might get to hold on to someone. he's sticking to it right now like a life line, for lack of any better ideas. ]
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Slowly, carefully, uncertainly, but still willing.
He reaches out, hand held up for Ryouma to get a little more down on his level so that he can... play his hand on his head. He applies a little bit of force to push his head down. There's something... vaguely reassuring about how he does it, though. He isn't trying to be harsh or scolding right now. )
Your head's a mess. Like Katsurahama... your swimmin' around in everything and trying to keep your head up.
(Katsurahama is famous for its strong currents. Everyone was always told to be careful when entering the waters and most dared not enter unless they were certain of their strength and skill lest they be swept out to sea.)
Take a break. Get somethin' to eat.
(Hand slipping back to his side and looking away,)
And when you're all rested and ready... ask again... Ryouma.
(And just so that this isn't all about Ryouma--)
Gotta get my head right, too.
(This gives them both time to get ready.)
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he doesn't object because hizen is probably right and rest is what he needs. he doesn't have the same sort of oversight here to keep him from running himself ragged until he can't anymore. ]
... Okay. I'll try.
[ when will he ever feel rested? or ready? maybe never entirely, but he could do better. ]
No, I will. 'Cause I gotta. I don't like it this way. That's never the kinda person I wanna be, who's too scared to deal with things.
[ he's been running for a long time and, now that he's acknowledging it, he slipped for a moment, but ryouma is still who he is and he can't live with just wallowing in it. ]
When it's... better.
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(A quiet nod in agreement. When it's better. But for now, Ryouma needs to rest. They both do so they can sort their thoughts. Ryouma will get his questions ready and Hizen will have his answers ready. Yes.
Sticking his hands in his pockets, he'll excuse himself for now.)