I know, I know. I would never say anything like that. Even if you don't agree, insulting the way somebody lives only breeds resentment. It's better to look at the stuff we have in common.
[ for once he's not just compartmentalising his feelings, having always been good at keeping contradictory thoughts in mind at once. ]
It's the part I gotta do I'm complainin' about. It's a lot to keep track of on top of all the pressure.
Don't worry. I wouldn't really stick ya with cleanin' up my messes. Last thing I wanna do is cause trouble for ya.
[ which has always been true. ryouma finished off his cup of whiskey and just reaches for the bottle now. it's not like he's going to pretend to have manners if izō isn't. ]
It's better to bring it all on me. It's my responsibility.
[ as he usually is when izō makes the first move, ryouma is caught all off guard and — congratulations — at a loss for what to say right away.
you know what's good for that? taking another drink. ]
Aw, I know what I'm doin'! I used to run a company once, you know?
[ he realises as he says it that he still isn't entirely sure what izō does and doesn't know about him anymore. there's a way to fix that but it isn't easy to talk about all that either. ]
[ he'll never forget it. he prefers not to think about that time coming up again and the fact that they're both in the same place for the first time. he doubts that'll make it any easier. ]
Sorry, I never know how much to say sometimes. Not like anyone can plan for any of this.
[ which is to say you never think about how to address talking about your death after you've died because this isn't a thing anyone expects to need to do. ]
But yeah... I ended up startin' a company outta Nagasaki. Figured I'd get around to doin' the same around here eventually.
[ The life of a Servant is a cruel one. Summoned long after their deaths with all of the regrets and trauma they died with. Being expected to just casually consider their own deaths.
Izō snorts. ]
I'm surprised ya got yer shit together enough t' do that...Guess ya got real busy with yer big idea an' all.
Well, it ain't luck as much as hard work. I had people who knew a lot better'n me t' show me what's what, so I can't claim to have done it all on my own either. That's why I asked for Majima's help, 'cause I know I dunno what I'm doing.
[ he smiles now and gives izō a pointed look because see!! he can also do successful things!! ]
Know what the most important part of it was? Every single one of 'em who worked with me were ronin, no different from you or me.
Nah. You'd be surprised. It got to the point where even the joshi couldn't deny what was goin' on. Old Yodo didn't wanna end up on the wrong side of history in the end.
[ he sounds just a little bitter about this. that was not an easy time for him, close to the end. ]
Can't take credit for that. Times change and even fools catch on. You and I an' all the rest of us were way ahead. I wanted ronin 'cause we understood before anyone else what was really important; I didn't want Tosa men or Choshu men when we all already knew domains didn't matter anymore.
[ ryouma can imagine why that silence gets drawn out and he takes the opportunity to drink more. it's the conversation that sits with him more uncomfortably than anything because it's strange looking izō in the face and talking about it; he'd made peace with the idea of his own death a long time before it happened. ]
We did it. All of us. Satsuma, Choshu, and Tosa leadin' the way in the end with a lotta good people left to carry on into the future.
[ it's never been his accomplishment but the sum total of all the blood spilled and lives lost that together had made their dreams come true in the end. ]
If ya don't believe me, ask Hizen. He's the one who told me for sure, 'cause for me it's hard t' tell what's what sometimes. Me, I had about two years give or take..? Exactly as long as I needed, anyway.
[ How'd it happen? Izō knows the answer is assassination, but how could it happen to a trained swordsman like Ryouma? How the hell was he caught so unaware as to get himself killed?
How different would things have gone if Izō had been there to protect him? ]
[ he hangs on that for too long because in hindsight it's very easy to see how all the little things had fallen into place just so. go looking for ships on the internet long enough and eventually someone unfolds all the bullet points involved in a disaster and maybe you gain a little clarity about things in your own life. what else is there to think about sometimes when there's nothing and no one and disturbing oryou when she sleeps is like moving a cat? ]
A lot of little things. Wasn't careful. I'm never careful. I still can't change it! [ he laughs because it's funny. ] I didn't wanna hide in the secret shed, so I stayed up in the main house...
[ then there is the last point. the one point that he lives with but he knows izō will probably never understand. because there really was no good reason for what the both of them had done — because nakaoka had set his sword aside too — other than to accept that the timing was right. ]
I didn't have my sword. Neither did Nakaoka. And... there were a lot of them.
[ and he never did learn his lesson from the teradaya before that either... ]
It doesn't make him feel any better. Izō scowls and stares at the floor. His anger is impotent. It feels like a knife is twisting in his chest. Sheer force of will is the only reason he isn't crying right now. ]
[ the bottle clatters down onto the tabletop, forgotten because he needs two hands. ryouma moving to wrap his arms around izō now and pull him into a hug is like a force, and izō can struggle all he wants, but once ryouma gets his arms around him, he's gonna hold on for dear life. ryouma will apologise later for the imposition, but he's far too lonely, and the guilt is strong and appropriate words have abandoned him.
all he can do is press his face against izō's shoulder and hold on because there's a distinct moment where he's not sure he won't just fall apart. in the most literal sense. the raw wound or whatever it is that never quite lets him forget that he's alone feels like too much to bear. he shakes under its weight and struggles to keep from crying. not again. although does it count if you cry over the same wound? ]
M' sorry, Izō. I made a mistake. I thought I was protectin' ya... I shoulda trusted ya t' know better.
[ there was nowhere in his life that ryouma couldn't have used a good set of eyes or someone as resourceful as izō. he knows that whatever skills izō picked up to do what he needed to do, izō had had to figure out on his own. ryouma is almost certain takechi never personally taught izō that part. he would have picked up a lot of other things instead. by extension, hizen wouldn't be suffering either. there was nowhere that things could have been worse for them, at least that ryouma can tell. he knows he can't change it and there is nothing to be done and all he has is raw emotion he can't communicate. it's not his best look.
sakamoto ryouma has only cried one (1) time in his entire adult life for one specific reason. he's really trying but there is no way he's managing to hold back making it a second time. it's like a dam breaking. yes, he will definitely apologise for this later. ]
How does he deal with this? Izō swallows hard, sitting stiffly in Ryouma's embrace. Him crying when they were kids was a given. As an adult? It's harder to deal with.
Much harder.
He eventually returns the embrace, letting Ryouma cry it out as long as he needs to. ]
[ izō has always been patient with him when it counts. he's grateful for that because it takes ryouma longer than he'd like for it to stop. he's not sure it feels better as much as he's wrung out until he just feels numb. ]
Since I got the letter back then that said what happened to ya. Couldn't move for a week an' Oryou thought I was dyin'. [ a forced laugh. ] Someone had t' come an' talk some sense in t' me. I couldn't lay there'n let ya down...
[ ryouma feels foolish and ashamed. still, he'll stay put a little longer if izō is allowing it. it's just nice to hold on to him. ]
Sorry. It's fine, really. Strong whiskey, I bet...
[ Izō does allow it, if only because he needs it after what Ryouma says. It doesn't feel good to know that. Numbness settles in as he stares ahead. All of the hurt he'd been holding onto felt pointless now...
What if things had gone differently? How different would their lives had been? ]
'Course it did. You're my best friend, Izō. We grew up together...
[ he bites his tongue because there's a lot more to that but he's not sure he's ready to say it. what if he scares izō off? ]
I didn't care much about Tosa, but I never stopped carin' 'bout ya after I left.
[ when he'd found out that izō had been taken back to tosa, ryouma had almost followed. nothing else had made him even consider it, fed up as he'd been with the political situation in the domain at the time. it's a lot of regrets now. ]
[ Hearing this doesn't help anything. Izō lets go so he can sit back and stare at the floor. What should he do with this information? It's so complicated...
[ despite blaming the whiskey for his tears he doesn't stop drinking in that silence. ]
That's not true. I bet—.. I bet I coulda done it. I got everyone to see what they needed t' see before...
[ which even as he's saying it he knows is a lie. the old lord had been a thorn in his side all the way to the end. it's nice to entertain the thought. pointless, ultimately more painful, but nice while it lasts. ]
Too many people got hurt 'cause of me. I know I can't make it up t' ya, so I'm just glad when ya come around.
[ it probably looks pathetic. it's a wonder he manages to keep his professional life looking so good while his personal life is an absolute disaster, but he has practise. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Shut up an' drink more so I don't gotta hear yer bitchin'. Ya jus' gotta deal with it.
[ Perhaps Izō should throw him a bone here... ]
An' if ya disrespect it all like that, Majima ain't gonna like ya none.
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[ for once he's not just compartmentalising his feelings, having always been good at keeping contradictory thoughts in mind at once. ]
It's the part I gotta do I'm complainin' about. It's a lot to keep track of on top of all the pressure.
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[ He's mostly joking. ]
An' yeah, I get that...Ya bring it all on yerself with what ya do, don't ya?
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[ which has always been true. ryouma finished off his cup of whiskey and just reaches for the bottle now. it's not like he's going to pretend to have manners if izō isn't. ]
It's better to bring it all on me. It's my responsibility.
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Well, so long as ya know what yer doin'...an' I don't think ya do. Yer jus' real lucky.
[ Without warning, he pulls Ryouma into a kiss. ]
Dumbass.
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you know what's good for that? taking another drink. ]
Aw, I know what I'm doin'! I used to run a company once, you know?
[ he realises as he says it that he still isn't entirely sure what izō does and doesn't know about him anymore. there's a way to fix that but it isn't easy to talk about all that either. ]
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Nah, I didn't know that. I died before ya did, ya know? Don't know shit after that.
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[ he'll never forget it. he prefers not to think about that time coming up again and the fact that they're both in the same place for the first time. he doubts that'll make it any easier. ]
Sorry, I never know how much to say sometimes. Not like anyone can plan for any of this.
[ which is to say you never think about how to address talking about your death after you've died because this isn't a thing anyone expects to need to do. ]
But yeah... I ended up startin' a company outta Nagasaki. Figured I'd get around to doin' the same around here eventually.
no subject
Izō snorts. ]
I'm surprised ya got yer shit together enough t' do that...Guess ya got real busy with yer big idea an' all.
no subject
[ he smiles now and gives izō a pointed look because see!! he can also do successful things!! ]
Know what the most important part of it was? Every single one of 'em who worked with me were ronin, no different from you or me.
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[ He shrugs. ]
Shit's diff'rent when ya got nothin' t' lose.
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[ he sounds just a little bitter about this. that was not an easy time for him, close to the end. ]
Can't take credit for that. Times change and even fools catch on. You and I an' all the rest of us were way ahead. I wanted ronin 'cause we understood before anyone else what was really important; I didn't want Tosa men or Choshu men when we all already knew domains didn't matter anymore.
no subject
Quiet.
He shouldn't ask. He has to know, though. ]
...How'd it end? How much longer did ya stay alive?
[ Izō feels like he knows the answer: not long. A lot of people wanted Ryouma dead, so how long did he avoid meeting his untimely end? ]
no subject
We did it. All of us. Satsuma, Choshu, and Tosa leadin' the way in the end with a lotta good people left to carry on into the future.
[ it's never been his accomplishment but the sum total of all the blood spilled and lives lost that together had made their dreams come true in the end. ]
If ya don't believe me, ask Hizen. He's the one who told me for sure, 'cause for me it's hard t' tell what's what sometimes. Me, I had about two years give or take..? Exactly as long as I needed, anyway.
no subject
[ How'd it happen? Izō knows the answer is assassination, but how could it happen to a trained swordsman like Ryouma? How the hell was he caught so unaware as to get himself killed?
How different would things have gone if Izō had been there to protect him? ]
no subject
[ he hangs on that for too long because in hindsight it's very easy to see how all the little things had fallen into place just so. go looking for ships on the internet long enough and eventually someone unfolds all the bullet points involved in a disaster and maybe you gain a little clarity about things in your own life. what else is there to think about sometimes when there's nothing and no one and disturbing oryou when she sleeps is like moving a cat? ]
A lot of little things. Wasn't careful. I'm never careful. I still can't change it! [ he laughs because it's funny. ] I didn't wanna hide in the secret shed, so I stayed up in the main house...
[ then there is the last point. the one point that he lives with but he knows izō will probably never understand. because there really was no good reason for what the both of them had done — because nakaoka had set his sword aside too — other than to accept that the timing was right. ]
I didn't have my sword. Neither did Nakaoka. And... there were a lot of them.
[ and he never did learn his lesson from the teradaya before that either... ]
no subject
It doesn't make him feel any better. Izō scowls and stares at the floor. His anger is impotent. It feels like a knife is twisting in his chest. Sheer force of will is the only reason he isn't crying right now. ]
...Shoulda taken me with ya.
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all he can do is press his face against izō's shoulder and hold on because there's a distinct moment where he's not sure he won't just fall apart. in the most literal sense. the raw wound or whatever it is that never quite lets him forget that he's alone feels like too much to bear. he shakes under its weight and struggles to keep from crying. not again. although does it count if you cry over the same wound? ]
M' sorry, Izō. I made a mistake. I thought I was protectin' ya... I shoulda trusted ya t' know better.
[ there was nowhere in his life that ryouma couldn't have used a good set of eyes or someone as resourceful as izō. he knows that whatever skills izō picked up to do what he needed to do, izō had had to figure out on his own.
ryouma is almost certain takechi never personally taught izō that part.he would have picked up a lot of other things instead. by extension, hizen wouldn't be suffering either. there was nowhere that things could have been worse for them, at least that ryouma can tell. he knows he can't change it and there is nothing to be done and all he has is raw emotion he can't communicate. it's not his best look.sakamoto ryouma has only cried one (1) time in his entire adult life for one specific reason. he's really trying but there is no way he's managing to hold back making it a second time. it's like a dam breaking. yes, he will definitely apologise for this later. ]
no subject
Uh.
How does he deal with this? Izō swallows hard, sitting stiffly in Ryouma's embrace. Him crying when they were kids was a given. As an adult? It's harder to deal with.
Much harder.
He eventually returns the embrace, letting Ryouma cry it out as long as he needs to. ]
...How long ya been holdin' on t' this?
[ An idle thought spoken aloud. ]
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Since I got the letter back then that said what happened to ya. Couldn't move for a week an' Oryou thought I was dyin'. [ a forced laugh. ] Someone had t' come an' talk some sense in t' me. I couldn't lay there'n let ya down...
[ ryouma feels foolish and ashamed. still, he'll stay put a little longer if izō is allowing it. it's just nice to hold on to him. ]
Sorry. It's fine, really. Strong whiskey, I bet...
[ yeah sure, it's the booze. ]
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What if things had gone differently? How different would their lives had been? ]
...Me dyin' hurt ya that much?
[ Why would it? Why should it? ]
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[ he bites his tongue because there's a lot more to that but he's not sure he's ready to say it. what if he scares izō off? ]
I didn't care much about Tosa, but I never stopped carin' 'bout ya after I left.
[ when he'd found out that izō had been taken back to tosa, ryouma had almost followed. nothing else had made him even consider it, fed up as he'd been with the political situation in the domain at the time. it's a lot of regrets now. ]
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He doesn't say anything, not for a long time. ]
...Better that ya didn't come back.
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That's not true. I bet—.. I bet I coulda done it. I got everyone to see what they needed t' see before...
[ which even as he's saying it he knows is a lie. the old lord had been a thorn in his side all the way to the end. it's nice to entertain the thought. pointless, ultimately more painful, but nice while it lasts. ]
Too many people got hurt 'cause of me. I know I can't make it up t' ya, so I'm just glad when ya come around.
[ it probably looks pathetic. it's a wonder he manages to keep his professional life looking so good while his personal life is an absolute disaster, but he has practise. ]
no subject
...Well, I ain't gonna stop comin' 'round. So get used t' it.
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