[ he'll never forget it. he prefers not to think about that time coming up again and the fact that they're both in the same place for the first time. he doubts that'll make it any easier. ]
Sorry, I never know how much to say sometimes. Not like anyone can plan for any of this.
[ which is to say you never think about how to address talking about your death after you've died because this isn't a thing anyone expects to need to do. ]
But yeah... I ended up startin' a company outta Nagasaki. Figured I'd get around to doin' the same around here eventually.
[ The life of a Servant is a cruel one. Summoned long after their deaths with all of the regrets and trauma they died with. Being expected to just casually consider their own deaths.
Izō snorts. ]
I'm surprised ya got yer shit together enough t' do that...Guess ya got real busy with yer big idea an' all.
Well, it ain't luck as much as hard work. I had people who knew a lot better'n me t' show me what's what, so I can't claim to have done it all on my own either. That's why I asked for Majima's help, 'cause I know I dunno what I'm doing.
[ he smiles now and gives izō a pointed look because see!! he can also do successful things!! ]
Know what the most important part of it was? Every single one of 'em who worked with me were ronin, no different from you or me.
Nah. You'd be surprised. It got to the point where even the joshi couldn't deny what was goin' on. Old Yodo didn't wanna end up on the wrong side of history in the end.
[ he sounds just a little bitter about this. that was not an easy time for him, close to the end. ]
Can't take credit for that. Times change and even fools catch on. You and I an' all the rest of us were way ahead. I wanted ronin 'cause we understood before anyone else what was really important; I didn't want Tosa men or Choshu men when we all already knew domains didn't matter anymore.
[ ryouma can imagine why that silence gets drawn out and he takes the opportunity to drink more. it's the conversation that sits with him more uncomfortably than anything because it's strange looking izō in the face and talking about it; he'd made peace with the idea of his own death a long time before it happened. ]
We did it. All of us. Satsuma, Choshu, and Tosa leadin' the way in the end with a lotta good people left to carry on into the future.
[ it's never been his accomplishment but the sum total of all the blood spilled and lives lost that together had made their dreams come true in the end. ]
If ya don't believe me, ask Hizen. He's the one who told me for sure, 'cause for me it's hard t' tell what's what sometimes. Me, I had about two years give or take..? Exactly as long as I needed, anyway.
[ How'd it happen? Izō knows the answer is assassination, but how could it happen to a trained swordsman like Ryouma? How the hell was he caught so unaware as to get himself killed?
How different would things have gone if Izō had been there to protect him? ]
[ he hangs on that for too long because in hindsight it's very easy to see how all the little things had fallen into place just so. go looking for ships on the internet long enough and eventually someone unfolds all the bullet points involved in a disaster and maybe you gain a little clarity about things in your own life. what else is there to think about sometimes when there's nothing and no one and disturbing oryou when she sleeps is like moving a cat? ]
A lot of little things. Wasn't careful. I'm never careful. I still can't change it! [ he laughs because it's funny. ] I didn't wanna hide in the secret shed, so I stayed up in the main house...
[ then there is the last point. the one point that he lives with but he knows izō will probably never understand. because there really was no good reason for what the both of them had done — because nakaoka had set his sword aside too — other than to accept that the timing was right. ]
I didn't have my sword. Neither did Nakaoka. And... there were a lot of them.
[ and he never did learn his lesson from the teradaya before that either... ]
It doesn't make him feel any better. Izō scowls and stares at the floor. His anger is impotent. It feels like a knife is twisting in his chest. Sheer force of will is the only reason he isn't crying right now. ]
[ the bottle clatters down onto the tabletop, forgotten because he needs two hands. ryouma moving to wrap his arms around izō now and pull him into a hug is like a force, and izō can struggle all he wants, but once ryouma gets his arms around him, he's gonna hold on for dear life. ryouma will apologise later for the imposition, but he's far too lonely, and the guilt is strong and appropriate words have abandoned him.
all he can do is press his face against izō's shoulder and hold on because there's a distinct moment where he's not sure he won't just fall apart. in the most literal sense. the raw wound or whatever it is that never quite lets him forget that he's alone feels like too much to bear. he shakes under its weight and struggles to keep from crying. not again. although does it count if you cry over the same wound? ]
M' sorry, Izō. I made a mistake. I thought I was protectin' ya... I shoulda trusted ya t' know better.
[ there was nowhere in his life that ryouma couldn't have used a good set of eyes or someone as resourceful as izō. he knows that whatever skills izō picked up to do what he needed to do, izō had had to figure out on his own. ryouma is almost certain takechi never personally taught izō that part. he would have picked up a lot of other things instead. by extension, hizen wouldn't be suffering either. there was nowhere that things could have been worse for them, at least that ryouma can tell. he knows he can't change it and there is nothing to be done and all he has is raw emotion he can't communicate. it's not his best look.
sakamoto ryouma has only cried one (1) time in his entire adult life for one specific reason. he's really trying but there is no way he's managing to hold back making it a second time. it's like a dam breaking. yes, he will definitely apologise for this later. ]
How does he deal with this? Izō swallows hard, sitting stiffly in Ryouma's embrace. Him crying when they were kids was a given. As an adult? It's harder to deal with.
Much harder.
He eventually returns the embrace, letting Ryouma cry it out as long as he needs to. ]
[ izō has always been patient with him when it counts. he's grateful for that because it takes ryouma longer than he'd like for it to stop. he's not sure it feels better as much as he's wrung out until he just feels numb. ]
Since I got the letter back then that said what happened to ya. Couldn't move for a week an' Oryou thought I was dyin'. [ a forced laugh. ] Someone had t' come an' talk some sense in t' me. I couldn't lay there'n let ya down...
[ ryouma feels foolish and ashamed. still, he'll stay put a little longer if izō is allowing it. it's just nice to hold on to him. ]
Sorry. It's fine, really. Strong whiskey, I bet...
[ Izō does allow it, if only because he needs it after what Ryouma says. It doesn't feel good to know that. Numbness settles in as he stares ahead. All of the hurt he'd been holding onto felt pointless now...
What if things had gone differently? How different would their lives had been? ]
'Course it did. You're my best friend, Izō. We grew up together...
[ he bites his tongue because there's a lot more to that but he's not sure he's ready to say it. what if he scares izō off? ]
I didn't care much about Tosa, but I never stopped carin' 'bout ya after I left.
[ when he'd found out that izō had been taken back to tosa, ryouma had almost followed. nothing else had made him even consider it, fed up as he'd been with the political situation in the domain at the time. it's a lot of regrets now. ]
[ Hearing this doesn't help anything. Izō lets go so he can sit back and stare at the floor. What should he do with this information? It's so complicated...
[ despite blaming the whiskey for his tears he doesn't stop drinking in that silence. ]
That's not true. I bet—.. I bet I coulda done it. I got everyone to see what they needed t' see before...
[ which even as he's saying it he knows is a lie. the old lord had been a thorn in his side all the way to the end. it's nice to entertain the thought. pointless, ultimately more painful, but nice while it lasts. ]
Too many people got hurt 'cause of me. I know I can't make it up t' ya, so I'm just glad when ya come around.
[ it probably looks pathetic. it's a wonder he manages to keep his professional life looking so good while his personal life is an absolute disaster, but he has practise. ]
[ it works, as usual. the same stupid blush. he never expects it to come from izō and he's not remotely confident in whatever this is to assume he's just allowed given their prior encounters. as far as he knows that was just sex regardless of the feelings he might have wrapped up in it all. ]
Ah... well, ya know nothin' would make me happier!
[ with the way things are, it's easily the truth. at least he got knocked off the spiral for now..? ]
Feel like I said that the last time... it's still true!
[ ryouma just laughs and tries to swat izō's hand away, but he eventually just ends up laying down on his side like he likes to and props his head up on his hand. ]
Yeah, yeah. I should maybe try somethin' like sleepin'. Got places t' be before noon t'morrow. How'd that happen..?
[ like an actual job??? it's not like he has to directly report anywhere or anything but he does have to keep appointments. he hates appointments. ]
Oi. Izō. When ya—... when y' explain this—. [ and he gestures between them. ] —t' them, what're ya gonna call it?
[ he's relaxed and not really thinking about it. he thinks he's asking a dumb question and not that it could also sound like he's asking izō to define... this. he laughs again. ]
... Jus' a drunk dumbass ya hang out with sometimes?
[ Izō stares at him long and hard. Is he being serious right now? It's hard to tell. Defining their relationship at all is ... difficult. It's not like his little group tells each other of the ins and outs of their particulars, just who they can expect to see around. That's just the way they do things.
He's drunk enough that he will answer the question instead of telling Ryouma to get bent instead. ]
Yer a fuckbuddy. Friend with benefits. [ He shrugs. ] A guy who knows me too damn well that I fuck sometimes.
[ a non-commital sound and then he rolls over and scoots closer because he's beyond moving around like a normal person and he just wants to be close so he can pull izō down into another, more suggestive kiss than the one he'd been given. ]
S'fine with me. Good t' know ya still get t' fuck me sometimes.
[ he cares about more than that, of course, but he's also stupid. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Nah, I didn't know that. I died before ya did, ya know? Don't know shit after that.
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[ he'll never forget it. he prefers not to think about that time coming up again and the fact that they're both in the same place for the first time. he doubts that'll make it any easier. ]
Sorry, I never know how much to say sometimes. Not like anyone can plan for any of this.
[ which is to say you never think about how to address talking about your death after you've died because this isn't a thing anyone expects to need to do. ]
But yeah... I ended up startin' a company outta Nagasaki. Figured I'd get around to doin' the same around here eventually.
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Izō snorts. ]
I'm surprised ya got yer shit together enough t' do that...Guess ya got real busy with yer big idea an' all.
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[ he smiles now and gives izō a pointed look because see!! he can also do successful things!! ]
Know what the most important part of it was? Every single one of 'em who worked with me were ronin, no different from you or me.
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[ He shrugs. ]
Shit's diff'rent when ya got nothin' t' lose.
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[ he sounds just a little bitter about this. that was not an easy time for him, close to the end. ]
Can't take credit for that. Times change and even fools catch on. You and I an' all the rest of us were way ahead. I wanted ronin 'cause we understood before anyone else what was really important; I didn't want Tosa men or Choshu men when we all already knew domains didn't matter anymore.
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Quiet.
He shouldn't ask. He has to know, though. ]
...How'd it end? How much longer did ya stay alive?
[ Izō feels like he knows the answer: not long. A lot of people wanted Ryouma dead, so how long did he avoid meeting his untimely end? ]
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We did it. All of us. Satsuma, Choshu, and Tosa leadin' the way in the end with a lotta good people left to carry on into the future.
[ it's never been his accomplishment but the sum total of all the blood spilled and lives lost that together had made their dreams come true in the end. ]
If ya don't believe me, ask Hizen. He's the one who told me for sure, 'cause for me it's hard t' tell what's what sometimes. Me, I had about two years give or take..? Exactly as long as I needed, anyway.
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[ How'd it happen? Izō knows the answer is assassination, but how could it happen to a trained swordsman like Ryouma? How the hell was he caught so unaware as to get himself killed?
How different would things have gone if Izō had been there to protect him? ]
no subject
[ he hangs on that for too long because in hindsight it's very easy to see how all the little things had fallen into place just so. go looking for ships on the internet long enough and eventually someone unfolds all the bullet points involved in a disaster and maybe you gain a little clarity about things in your own life. what else is there to think about sometimes when there's nothing and no one and disturbing oryou when she sleeps is like moving a cat? ]
A lot of little things. Wasn't careful. I'm never careful. I still can't change it! [ he laughs because it's funny. ] I didn't wanna hide in the secret shed, so I stayed up in the main house...
[ then there is the last point. the one point that he lives with but he knows izō will probably never understand. because there really was no good reason for what the both of them had done — because nakaoka had set his sword aside too — other than to accept that the timing was right. ]
I didn't have my sword. Neither did Nakaoka. And... there were a lot of them.
[ and he never did learn his lesson from the teradaya before that either... ]
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It doesn't make him feel any better. Izō scowls and stares at the floor. His anger is impotent. It feels like a knife is twisting in his chest. Sheer force of will is the only reason he isn't crying right now. ]
...Shoulda taken me with ya.
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all he can do is press his face against izō's shoulder and hold on because there's a distinct moment where he's not sure he won't just fall apart. in the most literal sense. the raw wound or whatever it is that never quite lets him forget that he's alone feels like too much to bear. he shakes under its weight and struggles to keep from crying. not again. although does it count if you cry over the same wound? ]
M' sorry, Izō. I made a mistake. I thought I was protectin' ya... I shoulda trusted ya t' know better.
[ there was nowhere in his life that ryouma couldn't have used a good set of eyes or someone as resourceful as izō. he knows that whatever skills izō picked up to do what he needed to do, izō had had to figure out on his own.
ryouma is almost certain takechi never personally taught izō that part.he would have picked up a lot of other things instead. by extension, hizen wouldn't be suffering either. there was nowhere that things could have been worse for them, at least that ryouma can tell. he knows he can't change it and there is nothing to be done and all he has is raw emotion he can't communicate. it's not his best look.sakamoto ryouma has only cried one (1) time in his entire adult life for one specific reason. he's really trying but there is no way he's managing to hold back making it a second time. it's like a dam breaking. yes, he will definitely apologise for this later. ]
no subject
Uh.
How does he deal with this? Izō swallows hard, sitting stiffly in Ryouma's embrace. Him crying when they were kids was a given. As an adult? It's harder to deal with.
Much harder.
He eventually returns the embrace, letting Ryouma cry it out as long as he needs to. ]
...How long ya been holdin' on t' this?
[ An idle thought spoken aloud. ]
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Since I got the letter back then that said what happened to ya. Couldn't move for a week an' Oryou thought I was dyin'. [ a forced laugh. ] Someone had t' come an' talk some sense in t' me. I couldn't lay there'n let ya down...
[ ryouma feels foolish and ashamed. still, he'll stay put a little longer if izō is allowing it. it's just nice to hold on to him. ]
Sorry. It's fine, really. Strong whiskey, I bet...
[ yeah sure, it's the booze. ]
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What if things had gone differently? How different would their lives had been? ]
...Me dyin' hurt ya that much?
[ Why would it? Why should it? ]
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[ he bites his tongue because there's a lot more to that but he's not sure he's ready to say it. what if he scares izō off? ]
I didn't care much about Tosa, but I never stopped carin' 'bout ya after I left.
[ when he'd found out that izō had been taken back to tosa, ryouma had almost followed. nothing else had made him even consider it, fed up as he'd been with the political situation in the domain at the time. it's a lot of regrets now. ]
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He doesn't say anything, not for a long time. ]
...Better that ya didn't come back.
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That's not true. I bet—.. I bet I coulda done it. I got everyone to see what they needed t' see before...
[ which even as he's saying it he knows is a lie. the old lord had been a thorn in his side all the way to the end. it's nice to entertain the thought. pointless, ultimately more painful, but nice while it lasts. ]
Too many people got hurt 'cause of me. I know I can't make it up t' ya, so I'm just glad when ya come around.
[ it probably looks pathetic. it's a wonder he manages to keep his professional life looking so good while his personal life is an absolute disaster, but he has practise. ]
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...Well, I ain't gonna stop comin' 'round. So get used t' it.
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Ah... well, ya know nothin' would make me happier!
[ with the way things are, it's easily the truth. at least he got knocked off the spiral for now..? ]
Feel like I said that the last time... it's still true!
[ he's drunk. ]
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Yer fuckin' drunk, dumbass... [ He sighs as he settles back. ] Should prolly get my ass gone before it gets too late.
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Yeah, yeah. I should maybe try somethin' like sleepin'. Got places t' be before noon t'morrow. How'd that happen..?
[ like an actual job??? it's not like he has to directly report anywhere or anything but he does have to keep appointments. he hates appointments. ]
Oi. Izō. When ya—... when y' explain this—. [ and he gestures between them. ] —t' them, what're ya gonna call it?
[ he's relaxed and not really thinking about it. he thinks he's asking a dumb question and not that it could also sound like he's asking izō to define... this. he laughs again. ]
... Jus' a drunk dumbass ya hang out with sometimes?
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He's drunk enough that he will answer the question instead of telling Ryouma to get bent instead. ]
Yer a fuckbuddy. Friend with benefits. [ He shrugs. ] A guy who knows me too damn well that I fuck sometimes.
[ He breathes a laugh through his nose. ]
That good enough for ya?
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[ a non-commital sound and then he rolls over and scoots closer because he's beyond moving around like a normal person and he just wants to be close so he can pull izō down into another, more suggestive kiss than the one he'd been given. ]
S'fine with me. Good t' know ya still get t' fuck me sometimes.
[ he cares about more than that, of course, but he's also stupid. ]
no subject
Not tonight. I'm goin' th' fuck home.
(no subject)