[ ryouma just sighs a little and smiles when izō swats his hand away. this is nothing out of the ordinary, of course, so he just goes along with it. ]
Sure, I wanted t' show it off a little...
[ ... but it's one thing leaving out details as he does, and another to lie outright, which is what ryouma would be doing if he failed to answer the question now.
emily would say they should do this sober and she's probably right, but he'll be lucky if izō doesn't storm away so he's not taking liquor off the table. what he expects is izō leaving angrily anyway, and ryouma feels a little guilty now that this looks like a trap. ]
I wanted t' talk to ya too. [ he doesn't have a good way to define what he really means, so he's going to assume his tone makes it clear what sort of talk he means. ] I've been doin' a lotta thinkin' for a while and this thing fallin' into my lap felt like a sign. Ain't stoppin' ya if ya wanna go though.
[ he's usually a lot more persistent about things, but he felt like he lost that privilege when he shot izō, whether or not there had been a curse involved; now he takes whatever he can get with gratitude. ]
[ His irritation fades to something more complicated. It'd be a total dick move to leave now and leave Ryouma with whatever he's feeling -- not beyond what Izō is capable of, naturally. He doesn't leave, though. He stays, but keeps his gaze averted. ]
Go on, then. Th' fuck's on yer mind?
[ Like he doesn't have an idea. Discomfort wells in his stomach. ]
[ what's on his mind? where does he begin? he leaves izō to the bar for the moment, choosing to light a cigarette instead. it's become his nervous habit more than ever recently and everyone else just has to deal. not that he expects izō to care. ryouma glances down at the pack before replacing it in his pocket, making a face because he's not sure that's enough for this whole conversation.
well, whatever. he's faced a lot in his time, this should be easy by comparison. should being the operative word. ]
Well, not too long ago things sorta came to a head with Hizen and we had a long talk. Realised there's a lotta things that weren't real clear or outright misunderstandings.
He might not've taken after ya specifically, but it got me thinkin' anyway. Maybe it's the same way... 'cause it ain't like we ever talked about any of it.
[ he hates how that sounds, letting "it" just hang in the air. they both know what that means, he's sure. it's vague enough to be applicable to whichever particular axe izō has to grind at any given moment because ryouma is acknowledging the tangled mess of their shared history. ]
Ain't like I wanna drag this out, 'cause I think we'd both like it better never lookin' at it. [ just to call them both out, why not ] But I'm afraid I'll lose ya for good if I don't.
[ Izō shrinks in on himself. A cigarette is a good distraction for both of them. His hands shake as he lights it...Damn it. This should be easier.
Unfortunately for both of them, the words spill past his lips, like a dam breaking. ]
What? Ya wanna hear 'bout how long I spent hatin' ya for leavin' me behind? How I resented ya for jus' up an' goin' like that? That what ya wanna hear?
[ it's rare that ryouma is ever rendered completely speechless, but congratulations, izō you have accomplished it. getting cut would have hurt less — which he can say as someone who has felt it before — and he winces each time one of those questions land sharply like another blow. ]
Y-yeah. S'pose I do...
[ he sits down on one of the steps and looks properly miserable. all the joy of having this ship might as well not even be a thing compared to this older and far more painful feeling. ryouma is sure how quickly izō spat it all out to be indicative of how bad it is (and subsequently, how unlikely he is to be forgiven). ]
I want ya t'tell me exactly how it is. Ain't like y' ever been shy 'bout that.
[ which has always been a trait ryouma appreciates, even now when it hurts. even though this is different and all at once and whatever they have here between them might not survive this as it is. still, he owes it to izō to do this, so he'll take whatever he's given... as usual. ]
[ Bitter feelings well up unbidden. Izō would much rather crush them back down under a torrent of booze, but that would be unfair to everyone involved. He takes a long, slow inhale on his cigarette instead. ]
Ya already know it all...I went t' my grave hatin' ya. [ He grimaces and averts his gaze. ] I don't...I don't hate ya no more. Don't mean what ya did don't still hurt, but...I let go'a someday that 'cause yer here. An' yer tryin' t' make it right...Least I can do is give ya another shot.
[ ryouma dares to be hopeful up until the mention of the shooting. it's not that he forgot — because he'll never forgive himself for that — but he feels intensely guilty every time it's mentioned. he really only has his major hang-ups right here, what with his stubborn determination to do everything else in his life without regrets. ]
But y' know I never meant for that to happen, right? I was tryin' to protect ya, not—... not what happened.
[ he could be talking about either situation, and the words would be just as true. this fact has never been lost on him, which is part of why he feels bad about it. ]
I'm sorry, Izō. I never regretted anything more than leavin' ya.
[ there's a lot more he wants to say, but it's hard to find the right words for everything. at least he's apologised, especially since it's what he should've done the last time they had an awkward conversation. instead, he confessed his feelings back then, like a fool who didn't deserve to say any of those things. ]
If I coulda taken it all back and done it differently, I would. I feel like I oughta say somethin' else, but now that it's happenin' I'm not sure what t' say. Not sure they make the kinda words to apologise for ruinin' somebody's life.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Yer damn right ya owe me two drinks now. [ He huffs. ] ...Ya didn't jus' drag me out here t' show off yer horse mystery or whatever, right?
[ There's got to be an ulterior motive clearly. ]
no subject
Sure, I wanted t' show it off a little...
[ ... but it's one thing leaving out details as he does, and another to lie outright, which is what ryouma would be doing if he failed to answer the question now.
emily would say they should do this sober and she's probably right, but he'll be lucky if izō doesn't storm away so he's not taking liquor off the table. what he expects is izō leaving angrily anyway, and ryouma feels a little guilty now that this looks like a trap. ]
I wanted t' talk to ya too. [ he doesn't have a good way to define what he really means, so he's going to assume his tone makes it clear what sort of talk he means. ] I've been doin' a lotta thinkin' for a while and this thing fallin' into my lap felt like a sign. Ain't stoppin' ya if ya wanna go though.
[ he's usually a lot more persistent about things, but he felt like he lost that privilege when he shot izō, whether or not there had been a curse involved; now he takes whatever he can get with gratitude. ]
no subject
Go on, then. Th' fuck's on yer mind?
[ Like he doesn't have an idea. Discomfort wells in his stomach. ]
no subject
well, whatever. he's faced a lot in his time, this should be easy by comparison. should being the operative word. ]
Well, not too long ago things sorta came to a head with Hizen and we had a long talk. Realised there's a lotta things that weren't real clear or outright misunderstandings.
He might not've taken after ya specifically, but it got me thinkin' anyway. Maybe it's the same way... 'cause it ain't like we ever talked about any of it.
[ he hates how that sounds, letting "it" just hang in the air. they both know what that means, he's sure. it's vague enough to be applicable to whichever particular axe izō has to grind at any given moment because ryouma is acknowledging the tangled mess of their shared history. ]
Ain't like I wanna drag this out, 'cause I think we'd both like it better never lookin' at it. [
just to call them both out, why not] But I'm afraid I'll lose ya for good if I don't.no subject
Unfortunately for both of them, the words spill past his lips, like a dam breaking. ]
What? Ya wanna hear 'bout how long I spent hatin' ya for leavin' me behind? How I resented ya for jus' up an' goin' like that? That what ya wanna hear?
no subject
Y-yeah. S'pose I do...
[ he sits down on one of the steps and looks properly miserable. all the joy of having this ship might as well not even be a thing compared to this older and far more painful feeling. ryouma is sure how quickly izō spat it all out to be indicative of how bad it is (and subsequently, how unlikely he is to be forgiven). ]
I want ya t'tell me exactly how it is. Ain't like y' ever been shy 'bout that.
[ which has always been a trait ryouma appreciates, even now when it hurts. even though this is different and all at once and whatever they have here between them might not survive this as it is. still, he owes it to izō to do this, so he'll take whatever he's given... as usual. ]
no subject
Ya already know it all...I went t' my grave hatin' ya. [ He grimaces and averts his gaze. ] I don't...I don't hate ya no more. Don't mean what ya did don't still hurt, but...I let go'a someday that 'cause yer here. An' yer tryin' t' make it right...Least I can do is give ya another shot.
[ Izō sighs. ]
Even if ya shot me...
no subject
But y' know I never meant for that to happen, right? I was tryin' to protect ya, not—... not what happened.
[ he could be talking about either situation, and the words would be just as true. this fact has never been lost on him, which is part of why he feels bad about it. ]
I'm sorry, Izō. I never regretted anything more than leavin' ya.
[ there's a lot more he wants to say, but it's hard to find the right words for everything. at least he's apologised, especially since it's what he should've done the last time they had an awkward conversation. instead, he confessed his feelings back then, like a fool who didn't deserve to say any of those things. ]
If I coulda taken it all back and done it differently, I would. I feel like I oughta say somethin' else, but now that it's happenin' I'm not sure what t' say. Not sure they make the kinda words to apologise for ruinin' somebody's life.