[ ryouma sends him an address to a building in sutoku territory. he was going to choose somewhere out but then realises there is probably no version of this conversation that he should ever consider having in public. so, his office it is. it's more comfortable than his apartment anyway because he has a couch. ]
[ Yes, a single letter response because Izō is already on his way. He expects the door to be locked, but tries it anyway. If it isn't, he just barges right in. If it is, he bangs on the door. ]
[ seeing as ryouma is expecting him, he left the door open! and so izō is able to just barge right in. which is great!
only izō now has to deal with ryouma nearly tripping over himself to get up and get over to him so he can throw his arms around him. he doesn't second guess himself about it this time, but mostly because he's so damned relieved that he doesn't care about anything else like complications. he's just glad to see izō alive. ]
[ Izō freezes up and stays that way. He should return the hug or push Ryouma away or do anything but sit there frozen; he doesn't, though. Silence falls as flashes of that night return. His recent life has been plagued with nightmares of getting shot, of his torture, of the other nightmares he saw.
This isn't helping. He should've told Ryouma he was busy and not come out here. ]
[ this is just his life now. better get used to those pangs of guilt because they aren't going to be going anywhere. ]
I'm so sorry, Izō...
[ he's so tired of apologising. one day he would very much like to not be a disappointment in izō's eyes. he does ease up though when he's told to right away, not wanting to make it worse. ]
You know I didn't mean it right? That I wouldn't ever do that—...
[ and now ryouma has to pull back because he needs to look izō in the eye because izō has to see it. ryouma looks better, at least, although that's relative. the curse is gone so his colour's better but he's still tired and overworked so there's that. he's also been drinking but has sobered up speedily over all this right now. his eyes are, of course, exactly as they should be. ]
I tried t' find ya. I knew it'd probably never happen if ya didn't wanna be found, but I tried anyway. That or—... [ he wishes he could say he was optimistic enough to have not imagined the worst-case scenario. ] I really thought ya were dead...
[ again. no, it's not easier the second time. it's worse because he thought he'd contributed to it directly. ]
[ Izō doesn't want to hear it. He doesn't want to hear any of it. He wants to leave and just pretend like he never came here at all. After what's been done, though, and what he saw from Emily and Majima, he can't. ]
Pretty sure everyone thought I was dead. [ He bites his tongue to stop himself from saying it would've been better for everyone if he was. That's not true and he knows it -- he saw it in Majima's face, heard it in his voice, same with Emily. ] Shouldn't've run yerself ragged lookin' for someone that didn't wanna be found.
[ he closes his eyes and has to swallow down the shame of knowing he almost did quit. it's fine. he made the right choice in the end and that's what matters. ]
Here. C'mon and sit down...
[ it's not a very large space but ryouma has made the most of it. there's a desk and a couple of chairs, of course. a little couch shoved up against one wall. there's a little area in the back he's using as a kitchen, although it's mostly just a table with an electric kettle and several different types of alcohol and noodles. it works. it's actually fairly neat and orderly in here aside from looking slightly lived in, but that's probably because he has actually been living here part of the time, especially with the curse involved.
there's a drink on his desk but he leaves it there and doesn't go about fixing another right now. he's trying to follow the advice he was given, as uncomfortable as it might feel right now. ]
I get it if ya didn't want me finding ya, but what about the others? Ya got people who care about ya, Izō.
[ He takes a seat against his better judgement. It's so much easier to talk about this when he's drunk, when he's so raw emotionally that he can't care how much it hurts anymore, when emotions just pour out of him like water from a broken faucet. ]
...I was scared'a hurtin' 'em. I tore up Emily, almost broke Nishitani's fuckin' arm, went after Hizen...Th' last I saw'a Majima...that wasn't him.
[ He unwillingly saw what Majima had been through, unable to block out the sight of torture and those responsible for the cruelty. That was nothing he ever asked about nor expected to hear the details of. It wasn't his business. It brought back the memories of his own torture and the treatment from the people who supposedly cared about him.
Izō was fucked up after all of that. How the fuck was he supposed to stay? ]
Didn't know how long I could keep control'a myself. Stayin' away was safer.
Ya don't gotta explain any more, I get the feelin'...
[ he feels bad for failing to see it, but emily had mentioned that they were very alike in some ways he never noticed before. this is one similarity he'd like to spare others the burden of, if he could. the hauntings may be over but the guilt remains. ]
I couldn't run away but I tried to isolate myself as much as I could. Same reason. It didn't feel safe to be around anybody. I only went out when they figured out a cure.
[ Like he needed to say that out loud. Emily stitched it up, but he hasn't been taking great care of the wound since then. He hadn't been taking care of himself since then. ]
[ that was a simpler answer a few days ago. he looks across at his desk and it's shameful how bad he wants to walk over there and finish his drink. he decides to smoke instead. he's been doing a lot of that lately too, but it helps with the stress and he can still keep a clear head. it's not like it matters. ]
... Dunno. 'Cause I want ya t' understand, I guess? I ain't proud of it. I didn't think I'd get another chance, on account of ya already givin' me one.
[ he has no experience with this. ]
Feel like if I ain't honest with ya now, I might not get another shot.
[ he's just going to neatly frame that as his concerns being over something else unexpectedly happening between them and not because he has a deadline... ]
He tries not to think about it. His nightmares aren't that kind. ]
But yer right. This is yer last shot. Feel like I've given ya more'n enough chances...
[ He says this, but he knows he can't keep to that. Their pasts are too intertwined for him to ever fully shut Ryouma out. Part of saying it is pride, part of it is an attempt to protect himself. If he has some kind of power here, it's better...right? ]
[ he closes his eyes for a few seconds and lets that sink in. it's not a good feeling, but he can't pretend like the words haven't been said. izō may not be able to stick to it but ryouma doesn't know that. ]
And I hate that, y' know?
[ emily told him not to edit, so that's what he's doing. he had a lot of time to think about this when he was trapped alone in here for days, he just didn't expect he'd be having this conversation. ]
I hate that I keep lettin' ya down 'cause all I've ever tried t' do is the opposite. Wasn't always like that either, so I figure... me not tellin' ya everything's where it all started, right?
[ he doesn't necessarily expect an answer, but he is understandably curious to see how izō reacts to any of this. maybe his timing could be better, considering what they've both been through, but there's that thing again about not knowing how much he has to spare. ]
If I'm gonna get it right this time, then I gotta start there. I don't wanna lose ya, Izō. I'll do anything to keep that from happenin'.
[ Izō shrinks down, pulling his scarf up. The bare honesty works. Emily was exactly right about this approach being the correct one. It's hard for him to deal with, especially when he's sober, especially when his nerves are still so raw.
Ryouma does get an answer in the form of a curt nod. The harder part is saying anything in return. It's easier to stay silent and curl in on himself, but it isn't fair. ]
Ya got a lotta fuckin' work ahead'a ya then, don't ya? [ It's not pushing him away. ] ...Th' fact ya keep comin' back an' ain't given up yet's a good start.
Yeah? That's what I'll say the next time ya tell me I'm annoyin' ya. Besides, havin' a lotta work ahead'a me is the story of my life...
[ it's nervous laughter, but any is good under these circumstances. diffuses the tension just enough to be bearable. it's brief because he wants izō to understand that he's taking this seriously. ]
Anyway, I didn't bother sayin' nothin' before 'cause I didn't think I had the right. Been through somethin' like this a few times runnin' into ya somewhere else. I'd remember ya, but it'd always be the first time ya saw me since way back then. [ and all the anger that goes with that. ] I thought keepin' my distance was what ya wanted, 'cause I can't hurt ya if I ain't around.
But I remembered what ya said while I was tryin' t' get ya t' run away from me and realised I got all that wrong too.
[ I jus' got ya back! I ain't leavin' ya for nothin'!! — it all came back when emily's medicine had cleared the curse from his system and he's only thought about those words even more since. ]
I thought you'd just go an' forget me again, so I never bothered sayin' how I really felt. I ain't been fair to ya.
[ he feels like he's repeating himself but maybe he needs to keep repeating it until it sinks in and he stops fucking it up. he's still reluctant to address the part where he's afraid for a few reasons, even though emily had called him on it directly at the time. he doesn't need to get into all that and try to rationalise it all, he just has to say the words. trying to rationalise things is how he ended up making a mess of things to begin with. ]
[ The urge to run gets stronger the more Ryouma talks. That's the easiest path to take: leave. Leaving means he doesn't have to deal with the emotions churning in him and he can go drink instead of continuing to talk.
He can't do that, though. All of what he's feeling wants to force its way out in a messy jumble. He sits on it, chokes it back, and manages to ask one thing. ]
...Then how d'ya really feel? Ain't jus' all guilt, right? This ain't outta obligation or nothin', right?
[ Because he can't shake that feeling, no matter who it is. ]
[ well. there it is. that's the real question. he's managed to say everything he's said so far without getting hung up about things too much, but here he hesitates. mostly because he's a little embarrassed and the steadily worsening blush on his face is telling on him. ]
N-nah. No obligations or nothin' other than my wantin' t' say it...
[ which means he actually needs to do that. he's smoked his cigarette almost down to the filter, so he grinds what's left out on the ashtray that's on the table. ]
I love ya, Izō, and it ain't a new feelin' as much as I'm finally puttin' words to what I've known for a long time. Nothin' ya say or do can change that, so don't think I'm jus' gonna take it back either.
[ it's true that there's a level of anxiety in it just hanging out there now that part of him probably wishes he could take back but other than that... he's happy. or as happy as ryouma can manage given the circumstances (see: being in hell). it's nice to have it out there despite the anxiety. it's nice to not have to wonder if he's saying too much and giving himself away.
ryouma is well aware this could all end badly — that's what he's scared of — but what's done is done. the only choice is to face the rest. ]
Even if ya tell me ya never wanna see me again, I'll still feel the same way.
[ Up until now, Izō had been the one telling people he loved them. He'd finally said it to both Majima and Emily. Their reactions were one of the warmest memories he had in this place. Being on the other side of it is...strange.
He should've seen it coming and yet found himself blindsided. His heart twists, his stomach is in knots. Storming out feels like the best option once again. He can't just default to that. Ryouma really laid himself bare here and it'd be unfair to him.
Izō stays quiet for awhile, making it seem like this backfired. ]
That so...? [ He can't look at Ryouma, can't make himself see that stupid face he knows he's making. It takes a minute, but he does eventually look up, blushing like crazy. ] Guess I'm jus' gonna have t' get t' hearin' that from ya now, huh?
[ all through that long silence ryouma wonders if he did the right thing. it's a purely selfish thought to have and he knows it, so he tries to think of it in a more positive way. as he does. it doesn't matter what he thinks or if it hurts or if he's ultimately rejected because it's more important that izō knows that he's loved, isn't it? ryouma should have told him that a long time ago.
yeah, that's the way he wants to look at it.
when izō finally says something, ryouma is clearly hanging on every word. ]
What? I mean—... [ that's a good look!! ] Hell yeah, ya do. All the time!
[ he finally laughs and it's a very relieved sound. ]
Had me real worried there for a sec, y' know that?
What, ya think I was jus' gonna let ya have it that easy? Gotta make ya sweat.
[ Izō finally uncurls on himself, looking a lot more relaxed. He doesn't feel more relaxed, per se, but it does feel like a weight has been lifted. Things between them are a little lighter, as light as they can get with circumstances the way they are. ]
...But ya know ya ain't outta th' doghouse yet, right? Ya don't fuckin' need anyone's approval, they don't give a fuck an' neither do I...but yer gonna try an' fix shit, ain't ya?
[ it's even more encouraging to see izō looking so relaxed. ryouma knows that neither of them is very good at pretending in these situations, so it counts for something. ]
I know, I know. I've been talkin' t' Emily, for one. And it's already costin' me. Majima's takin' it out of my pocket, which is fine. But, honestly—...
[ he looks embarrassed. ]
Ya gotta gimme some advice! I've tried everything an' he still hates me! All this happenin' obviously didn't help, but it wasn't like I was makin' any progress before either! Ya know I don't need everybody t' like me or nothin'. But it's like ya said... I'm tryin' t' fix shit.
[ Izō can't help but laugh. It's not that he doesn't want to help him, per se, he just knows it'll be better if Ryouma struggles this one out on his own.
He shakes his head. ]
Yer on yer own. Yer smart, ya can figure it out. [ He shrugs. ] Got a feelin' his opinion ain't gonna change much 'til yer debt's settled, anyway.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ ... ]
no u cant come over here.
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[ Okay bad response. ]
nm. where?
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I'll be waiting.
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[ Yes, a single letter response because Izō is already on his way. He expects the door to be locked, but tries it anyway. If it isn't, he just barges right in. If it is, he bangs on the door. ]
Oi, open up!
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only izō now has to deal with ryouma nearly tripping over himself to get up and get over to him so he can throw his arms around him. he doesn't second guess himself about it this time, but mostly because he's so damned relieved that he doesn't care about anything else like complications. he's just glad to see izō alive. ]
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This isn't helping. He should've told Ryouma he was busy and not come out here. ]
Don't squeeze so hard. That shit's still healin'.
[ Eventually, slowly, he returns the hug. ]
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I'm so sorry, Izō...
[ he's so tired of apologising. one day he would very much like to not be a disappointment in izō's eyes. he does ease up though when he's told to right away, not wanting to make it worse. ]
You know I didn't mean it right? That I wouldn't ever do that—...
[ and now ryouma has to pull back because he needs to look izō in the eye because izō has to see it. ryouma looks better, at least, although that's relative. the curse is gone so his colour's better but he's still tired and overworked so there's that. he's also been drinking but has sobered up speedily over all this right now. his eyes are, of course, exactly as they should be. ]
I tried t' find ya. I knew it'd probably never happen if ya didn't wanna be found, but I tried anyway. That or—... [ he wishes he could say he was optimistic enough to have not imagined the worst-case scenario. ] I really thought ya were dead...
[ again. no, it's not easier the second time. it's worse because he thought he'd contributed to it directly. ]
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Pretty sure everyone thought I was dead. [ He bites his tongue to stop himself from saying it would've been better for everyone if he was. That's not true and he knows it -- he saw it in Majima's face, heard it in his voice, same with Emily. ] Shouldn't've run yerself ragged lookin' for someone that didn't wanna be found.
[ He looks away. ]
But ya never did know when t' fuckin' quit.
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Here. C'mon and sit down...
[ it's not a very large space but ryouma has made the most of it. there's a desk and a couple of chairs, of course. a little couch shoved up against one wall. there's a little area in the back he's using as a kitchen, although it's mostly just a table with an electric kettle and several different types of alcohol and noodles. it works. it's actually fairly neat and orderly in here aside from looking slightly lived in, but that's probably because he has actually been living here part of the time, especially with the curse involved.
there's a drink on his desk but he leaves it there and doesn't go about fixing another right now. he's trying to follow the advice he was given, as uncomfortable as it might feel right now. ]
I get it if ya didn't want me finding ya, but what about the others? Ya got people who care about ya, Izō.
cw: torture/abuse/grooming mentions
...I was scared'a hurtin' 'em. I tore up Emily, almost broke Nishitani's fuckin' arm, went after Hizen...Th' last I saw'a Majima...that wasn't him.
[ He unwillingly saw what Majima had been through, unable to block out the sight of torture and those responsible for the cruelty. That was nothing he ever asked about nor expected to hear the details of. It wasn't his business. It brought back the memories of his own torture and the treatment from the people who supposedly cared about him.
Izō was fucked up after all of that. How the fuck was he supposed to stay? ]
Didn't know how long I could keep control'a myself. Stayin' away was safer.
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[ he feels bad for failing to see it, but emily had mentioned that they were very alike in some ways he never noticed before. this is one similarity he'd like to spare others the burden of, if he could. the hauntings may be over but the guilt remains. ]
I couldn't run away but I tried to isolate myself as much as I could. Same reason. It didn't feel safe to be around anybody. I only went out when they figured out a cure.
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[ Like he needed to say that out loud. Emily stitched it up, but he hasn't been taking great care of the wound since then. He hadn't been taking care of himself since then. ]
Why th' fuck are ya tellin' me this, anyway?
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... Dunno. 'Cause I want ya t' understand, I guess? I ain't proud of it. I didn't think I'd get another chance, on account of ya already givin' me one.
[ he has no experience with this. ]
Feel like if I ain't honest with ya now, I might not get another shot.
[ he's just going to neatly frame that as his concerns being over something else unexpectedly happening between them and not because he has a deadline... ]
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[ "Ya always were a shit gambler."
He tries not to think about it. His nightmares aren't that kind. ]
But yer right. This is yer last shot. Feel like I've given ya more'n enough chances...
[ He says this, but he knows he can't keep to that. Their pasts are too intertwined for him to ever fully shut Ryouma out. Part of saying it is pride, part of it is an attempt to protect himself. If he has some kind of power here, it's better...right? ]
So ya better make th' fuckin' most of it.
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And I hate that, y' know?
[ emily told him not to edit, so that's what he's doing. he had a lot of time to think about this when he was trapped alone in here for days, he just didn't expect he'd be having this conversation. ]
I hate that I keep lettin' ya down 'cause all I've ever tried t' do is the opposite. Wasn't always like that either, so I figure... me not tellin' ya everything's where it all started, right?
[ he doesn't necessarily expect an answer, but he is understandably curious to see how izō reacts to any of this. maybe his timing could be better, considering what they've both been through, but there's that thing again about not knowing how much he has to spare. ]
If I'm gonna get it right this time, then I gotta start there. I don't wanna lose ya, Izō. I'll do anything to keep that from happenin'.
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Ryouma does get an answer in the form of a curt nod. The harder part is saying anything in return. It's easier to stay silent and curl in on himself, but it isn't fair. ]
Ya got a lotta fuckin' work ahead'a ya then, don't ya? [ It's not pushing him away. ] ...Th' fact ya keep comin' back an' ain't given up yet's a good start.
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[ it's nervous laughter, but any is good under these circumstances. diffuses the tension just enough to be bearable. it's brief because he wants izō to understand that he's taking this seriously. ]
Anyway, I didn't bother sayin' nothin' before 'cause I didn't think I had the right. Been through somethin' like this a few times runnin' into ya somewhere else. I'd remember ya, but it'd always be the first time ya saw me since way back then. [ and all the anger that goes with that. ] I thought keepin' my distance was what ya wanted, 'cause I can't hurt ya if I ain't around.
But I remembered what ya said while I was tryin' t' get ya t' run away from me and realised I got all that wrong too.
[ I jus' got ya back! I ain't leavin' ya for nothin'!! — it all came back when emily's medicine had cleared the curse from his system and he's only thought about those words even more since. ]
I thought you'd just go an' forget me again, so I never bothered sayin' how I really felt. I ain't been fair to ya.
[ he feels like he's repeating himself but maybe he needs to keep repeating it until it sinks in and he stops fucking it up. he's still reluctant to address the part where he's afraid for a few reasons, even though emily had called him on it directly at the time. he doesn't need to get into all that and try to rationalise it all, he just has to say the words. trying to rationalise things is how he ended up making a mess of things to begin with. ]
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He can't do that, though. All of what he's feeling wants to force its way out in a messy jumble. He sits on it, chokes it back, and manages to ask one thing. ]
...Then how d'ya really feel? Ain't jus' all guilt, right? This ain't outta obligation or nothin', right?
[ Because he can't shake that feeling, no matter who it is. ]
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N-nah. No obligations or nothin' other than my wantin' t' say it...
[ which means he actually needs to do that. he's smoked his cigarette almost down to the filter, so he grinds what's left out on the ashtray that's on the table. ]
I love ya, Izō, and it ain't a new feelin' as much as I'm finally puttin' words to what I've known for a long time. Nothin' ya say or do can change that, so don't think I'm jus' gonna take it back either.
[ it's true that there's a level of anxiety in it just hanging out there now that part of him probably wishes he could take back but other than that... he's happy. or as happy as ryouma can manage given the circumstances (see: being in hell). it's nice to have it out there despite the anxiety. it's nice to not have to wonder if he's saying too much and giving himself away.
ryouma is well aware this could all end badly — that's what he's scared of — but what's done is done. the only choice is to face the rest. ]
Even if ya tell me ya never wanna see me again, I'll still feel the same way.
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He should've seen it coming and yet found himself blindsided. His heart twists, his stomach is in knots. Storming out feels like the best option once again. He can't just default to that. Ryouma really laid himself bare here and it'd be unfair to him.
Izō stays quiet for awhile, making it seem like this backfired. ]
That so...? [ He can't look at Ryouma, can't make himself see that stupid face he knows he's making. It takes a minute, but he does eventually look up, blushing like crazy. ] Guess I'm jus' gonna have t' get t' hearin' that from ya now, huh?
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yeah, that's the way he wants to look at it.
when izō finally says something, ryouma is clearly hanging on every word. ]
What? I mean—... [ that's a good look!! ] Hell yeah, ya do. All the time!
[ he finally laughs and it's a very relieved sound. ]
Had me real worried there for a sec, y' know that?
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[ Izō finally uncurls on himself, looking a lot more relaxed. He doesn't feel more relaxed, per se, but it does feel like a weight has been lifted. Things between them are a little lighter, as light as they can get with circumstances the way they are. ]
...But ya know ya ain't outta th' doghouse yet, right? Ya don't fuckin' need anyone's approval, they don't give a fuck an' neither do I...but yer gonna try an' fix shit, ain't ya?
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I know, I know. I've been talkin' t' Emily, for one. And it's already costin' me. Majima's takin' it out of my pocket, which is fine. But, honestly—...
[ he looks embarrassed. ]
Ya gotta gimme some advice! I've tried everything an' he still hates me! All this happenin' obviously didn't help, but it wasn't like I was makin' any progress before either! Ya know I don't need everybody t' like me or nothin'. But it's like ya said... I'm tryin' t' fix shit.
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He shakes his head. ]
Yer on yer own. Yer smart, ya can figure it out. [ He shrugs. ] Got a feelin' his opinion ain't gonna change much 'til yer debt's settled, anyway.
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