Yeah? That's what I'll say the next time ya tell me I'm annoyin' ya. Besides, havin' a lotta work ahead'a me is the story of my life...
[ it's nervous laughter, but any is good under these circumstances. diffuses the tension just enough to be bearable. it's brief because he wants izō to understand that he's taking this seriously. ]
Anyway, I didn't bother sayin' nothin' before 'cause I didn't think I had the right. Been through somethin' like this a few times runnin' into ya somewhere else. I'd remember ya, but it'd always be the first time ya saw me since way back then. [ and all the anger that goes with that. ] I thought keepin' my distance was what ya wanted, 'cause I can't hurt ya if I ain't around.
But I remembered what ya said while I was tryin' t' get ya t' run away from me and realised I got all that wrong too.
[ I jus' got ya back! I ain't leavin' ya for nothin'!! — it all came back when emily's medicine had cleared the curse from his system and he's only thought about those words even more since. ]
I thought you'd just go an' forget me again, so I never bothered sayin' how I really felt. I ain't been fair to ya.
[ he feels like he's repeating himself but maybe he needs to keep repeating it until it sinks in and he stops fucking it up. he's still reluctant to address the part where he's afraid for a few reasons, even though emily had called him on it directly at the time. he doesn't need to get into all that and try to rationalise it all, he just has to say the words. trying to rationalise things is how he ended up making a mess of things to begin with. ]
[ The urge to run gets stronger the more Ryouma talks. That's the easiest path to take: leave. Leaving means he doesn't have to deal with the emotions churning in him and he can go drink instead of continuing to talk.
He can't do that, though. All of what he's feeling wants to force its way out in a messy jumble. He sits on it, chokes it back, and manages to ask one thing. ]
...Then how d'ya really feel? Ain't jus' all guilt, right? This ain't outta obligation or nothin', right?
[ Because he can't shake that feeling, no matter who it is. ]
[ well. there it is. that's the real question. he's managed to say everything he's said so far without getting hung up about things too much, but here he hesitates. mostly because he's a little embarrassed and the steadily worsening blush on his face is telling on him. ]
N-nah. No obligations or nothin' other than my wantin' t' say it...
[ which means he actually needs to do that. he's smoked his cigarette almost down to the filter, so he grinds what's left out on the ashtray that's on the table. ]
I love ya, Izō, and it ain't a new feelin' as much as I'm finally puttin' words to what I've known for a long time. Nothin' ya say or do can change that, so don't think I'm jus' gonna take it back either.
[ it's true that there's a level of anxiety in it just hanging out there now that part of him probably wishes he could take back but other than that... he's happy. or as happy as ryouma can manage given the circumstances (see: being in hell). it's nice to have it out there despite the anxiety. it's nice to not have to wonder if he's saying too much and giving himself away.
ryouma is well aware this could all end badly — that's what he's scared of — but what's done is done. the only choice is to face the rest. ]
Even if ya tell me ya never wanna see me again, I'll still feel the same way.
[ Up until now, Izō had been the one telling people he loved them. He'd finally said it to both Majima and Emily. Their reactions were one of the warmest memories he had in this place. Being on the other side of it is...strange.
He should've seen it coming and yet found himself blindsided. His heart twists, his stomach is in knots. Storming out feels like the best option once again. He can't just default to that. Ryouma really laid himself bare here and it'd be unfair to him.
Izō stays quiet for awhile, making it seem like this backfired. ]
That so...? [ He can't look at Ryouma, can't make himself see that stupid face he knows he's making. It takes a minute, but he does eventually look up, blushing like crazy. ] Guess I'm jus' gonna have t' get t' hearin' that from ya now, huh?
[ all through that long silence ryouma wonders if he did the right thing. it's a purely selfish thought to have and he knows it, so he tries to think of it in a more positive way. as he does. it doesn't matter what he thinks or if it hurts or if he's ultimately rejected because it's more important that izō knows that he's loved, isn't it? ryouma should have told him that a long time ago.
yeah, that's the way he wants to look at it.
when izō finally says something, ryouma is clearly hanging on every word. ]
What? I mean—... [ that's a good look!! ] Hell yeah, ya do. All the time!
[ he finally laughs and it's a very relieved sound. ]
Had me real worried there for a sec, y' know that?
What, ya think I was jus' gonna let ya have it that easy? Gotta make ya sweat.
[ Izō finally uncurls on himself, looking a lot more relaxed. He doesn't feel more relaxed, per se, but it does feel like a weight has been lifted. Things between them are a little lighter, as light as they can get with circumstances the way they are. ]
...But ya know ya ain't outta th' doghouse yet, right? Ya don't fuckin' need anyone's approval, they don't give a fuck an' neither do I...but yer gonna try an' fix shit, ain't ya?
[ it's even more encouraging to see izō looking so relaxed. ryouma knows that neither of them is very good at pretending in these situations, so it counts for something. ]
I know, I know. I've been talkin' t' Emily, for one. And it's already costin' me. Majima's takin' it out of my pocket, which is fine. But, honestly—...
[ he looks embarrassed. ]
Ya gotta gimme some advice! I've tried everything an' he still hates me! All this happenin' obviously didn't help, but it wasn't like I was makin' any progress before either! Ya know I don't need everybody t' like me or nothin'. But it's like ya said... I'm tryin' t' fix shit.
[ Izō can't help but laugh. It's not that he doesn't want to help him, per se, he just knows it'll be better if Ryouma struggles this one out on his own.
He shakes his head. ]
Yer on yer own. Yer smart, ya can figure it out. [ He shrugs. ] Got a feelin' his opinion ain't gonna change much 'til yer debt's settled, anyway.
Well, I hate t' say it but that probably ain't gonna be for a long time then. I gotta bunch'a plans in the works but nothin' lined up is gonna clear a hundred million any time soon...
[ and now he's said that thing he really needed to say, so ryouma gets up to retrieve that drink off his desk and comes back with the bottle too. he deserves it now, thank you very much. ]
[ And Izō is going to get up and just ... take the bottle from his hand to take a swig.]
An' as long as shit don't go south with anythin' else yer doin'...I ain't sayin' he's gonna come 'round, but ya might have a better shot once ya prove yer more'n jus' talk.
Heh, ain't really gonna be a problem t' worry about if shit goes south with anythin' else I'm doin' right now.
[ he probably shouldn't laugh but ryouma has elected not to worry about it tonight, so he's determined to have a good time about it instead. he also holds up his glass for something like a toast. izō can just hold onto the bottle for now, it's not like ryouma is picky about these things. ]
I settled the second-biggest deal I've ever done and said what I had t' say, so now I'm gonna drink t' that.
[ just toraguma almost tearing his head off. it's fine. he'll tell izō about that later if he wants. ryouma takes a long swig of his drink but he's slow to swallow the whole thing down because he's trying not to choke when he hears izō's tone and he tells him to sit. well, okay then.
he sits back down and looks over at izō expectantly. just ignore how badly he's blushing over this right now, it's surely the alcohol even though it's a little too soon for it to have worked just yet. ]
[ He knew a little; Majima avoided shit talking Ryouma to Izō's face, if only because he knew Izō liked him. He knew that Ryouma had almost fucked it up, but that was about it. The negotiations weren't exactly important to Izō, honestly.
That aside, he straddles Ryouma lap, takes another drink, and kisses him with the mouthful of booze. ]
[ it's true, it doesn't really matter right now. he lived bitch.
he swallows that mouthful of liquor so he can kiss izō properly, probably lucky if he manages not to let too much escape. izō is healing, so ryouma feels he has to take care to be gentle with him, but he can still kiss him however he likes. no more wondering if he's letting on too much for just a fuckbuddy. perks of being honest. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ it's nervous laughter, but any is good under these circumstances. diffuses the tension just enough to be bearable. it's brief because he wants izō to understand that he's taking this seriously. ]
Anyway, I didn't bother sayin' nothin' before 'cause I didn't think I had the right. Been through somethin' like this a few times runnin' into ya somewhere else. I'd remember ya, but it'd always be the first time ya saw me since way back then. [ and all the anger that goes with that. ] I thought keepin' my distance was what ya wanted, 'cause I can't hurt ya if I ain't around.
But I remembered what ya said while I was tryin' t' get ya t' run away from me and realised I got all that wrong too.
[ I jus' got ya back! I ain't leavin' ya for nothin'!! — it all came back when emily's medicine had cleared the curse from his system and he's only thought about those words even more since. ]
I thought you'd just go an' forget me again, so I never bothered sayin' how I really felt. I ain't been fair to ya.
[ he feels like he's repeating himself but maybe he needs to keep repeating it until it sinks in and he stops fucking it up. he's still reluctant to address the part where he's afraid for a few reasons, even though emily had called him on it directly at the time. he doesn't need to get into all that and try to rationalise it all, he just has to say the words. trying to rationalise things is how he ended up making a mess of things to begin with. ]
no subject
He can't do that, though. All of what he's feeling wants to force its way out in a messy jumble. He sits on it, chokes it back, and manages to ask one thing. ]
...Then how d'ya really feel? Ain't jus' all guilt, right? This ain't outta obligation or nothin', right?
[ Because he can't shake that feeling, no matter who it is. ]
no subject
N-nah. No obligations or nothin' other than my wantin' t' say it...
[ which means he actually needs to do that. he's smoked his cigarette almost down to the filter, so he grinds what's left out on the ashtray that's on the table. ]
I love ya, Izō, and it ain't a new feelin' as much as I'm finally puttin' words to what I've known for a long time. Nothin' ya say or do can change that, so don't think I'm jus' gonna take it back either.
[ it's true that there's a level of anxiety in it just hanging out there now that part of him probably wishes he could take back but other than that... he's happy. or as happy as ryouma can manage given the circumstances (see: being in hell). it's nice to have it out there despite the anxiety. it's nice to not have to wonder if he's saying too much and giving himself away.
ryouma is well aware this could all end badly — that's what he's scared of — but what's done is done. the only choice is to face the rest. ]
Even if ya tell me ya never wanna see me again, I'll still feel the same way.
no subject
He should've seen it coming and yet found himself blindsided. His heart twists, his stomach is in knots. Storming out feels like the best option once again. He can't just default to that. Ryouma really laid himself bare here and it'd be unfair to him.
Izō stays quiet for awhile, making it seem like this backfired. ]
That so...? [ He can't look at Ryouma, can't make himself see that stupid face he knows he's making. It takes a minute, but he does eventually look up, blushing like crazy. ] Guess I'm jus' gonna have t' get t' hearin' that from ya now, huh?
no subject
yeah, that's the way he wants to look at it.
when izō finally says something, ryouma is clearly hanging on every word. ]
What? I mean—... [ that's a good look!! ] Hell yeah, ya do. All the time!
[ he finally laughs and it's a very relieved sound. ]
Had me real worried there for a sec, y' know that?
no subject
[ Izō finally uncurls on himself, looking a lot more relaxed. He doesn't feel more relaxed, per se, but it does feel like a weight has been lifted. Things between them are a little lighter, as light as they can get with circumstances the way they are. ]
...But ya know ya ain't outta th' doghouse yet, right? Ya don't fuckin' need anyone's approval, they don't give a fuck an' neither do I...but yer gonna try an' fix shit, ain't ya?
no subject
I know, I know. I've been talkin' t' Emily, for one. And it's already costin' me. Majima's takin' it out of my pocket, which is fine. But, honestly—...
[ he looks embarrassed. ]
Ya gotta gimme some advice! I've tried everything an' he still hates me! All this happenin' obviously didn't help, but it wasn't like I was makin' any progress before either! Ya know I don't need everybody t' like me or nothin'. But it's like ya said... I'm tryin' t' fix shit.
no subject
He shakes his head. ]
Yer on yer own. Yer smart, ya can figure it out. [ He shrugs. ] Got a feelin' his opinion ain't gonna change much 'til yer debt's settled, anyway.
no subject
[ and now he's said that thing he really needed to say, so ryouma gets up to retrieve that drink off his desk and comes back with the bottle too. he deserves it now, thank you very much. ]
no subject
An' as long as shit don't go south with anythin' else yer doin'...I ain't sayin' he's gonna come 'round, but ya might have a better shot once ya prove yer more'n jus' talk.
no subject
[ he probably shouldn't laugh but ryouma has elected not to worry about it tonight, so he's determined to have a good time about it instead. he also holds up his glass for something like a toast. izō can just hold onto the bottle for now, it's not like ryouma is picky about these things. ]
I settled the second-biggest deal I've ever done and said what I had t' say, so now I'm gonna drink t' that.
no subject
Maybe ya deserve a li'l somethin' for not fuckin' it up.
[ Something about Izō's tone is terribly suggestive. ]
So sit back down, yeah?
no subject
[ just toraguma almost tearing his head off. it's fine. he'll tell izō about that later if he wants. ryouma takes a long swig of his drink but he's slow to swallow the whole thing down because he's trying not to choke when he hears izō's tone and he tells him to sit. well, okay then.
he sits back down and looks over at izō expectantly. just ignore how badly he's blushing over this right now, it's surely the alcohol
even though it's a little too soon for it to have worked just yet.]no subject
That aside, he straddles Ryouma lap, takes another drink, and kisses him with the mouthful of booze. ]
no subject
he lived bitch.he swallows that mouthful of liquor so he can kiss izō properly, probably lucky if he manages not to let too much escape. izō is healing, so ryouma feels he has to take care to be gentle with him, but he can still kiss him however he likes. no more wondering if he's letting on too much for just a fuckbuddy. perks of being honest. ]