[ Izō comes in without a word and sits across from Ryouma. It's obvious he's been crying -- he's still crying. He can't look at Ryouma properly without feeling deep shame. He's still not strong enough to deal with loss.
[ it hurts him to see izō that way — both in how much izō is clearly hurting and whatever it is that makes it too hard to look at him. it's a reminder of how much they still have to deal with. now is no time for that, but maybe this puts some things in perspective.
enough, at least, that when he has the urge to pull izō into a hug for once, he doesn't fight it. ]
[ Izō resists for all of a few seconds before clinging to Ryouma. He presses his face into his chest in a futile attempt to quiet the choking sobs that wrack his body. There's no dignity here, just a man feeling the acute pain of loss with no way to deal with it. The real fear that everyone else he loves will disappear tears at him like a wild animal, so he has to cling to them while he can. ]
Ya better not! Or I'll kill ya! Ya disappear on me again and I'll fuckin' hunt ya down!
[ His words would be more threatening if his voice wasn't trembling with emotion. A desperate kiss follows his shouting. ]
[ this doesn't feel very good. there's no warm feeling because izō came to him and so he gets to help him feel better. there's just the guilt and shame twisting his insides knowing he's the one who started izō down this path.
ryouma holds izō like that as long as he needs him to. he doesn't judge; if anything it's a struggle not to let his own feelings overwhelm him, so he tries to focus on steadying his breathing. he can be strong and reassuring, like izō used to be for him, and nobody has to know how close he's come to breaking his own promise to himself not to cry anymore. ]
What'd I tell ya..? [ speaking of wanting to sound one way and it coming out another, it would be nice if he could sound calm and not like he's choked up. ] You're stuck with me. All I want is t' by your side, y' know? Nothin' makes me happier...
[ that's the truth. despite everything else going on and things he's said in the past, his words still make him blush a little. ryouma's breath hitches because the last thing he's expecting is to be kissed, but as soon as he recovers from that he kisses izō back with the same desperate energy. they can be pathetic together, if that's how it is. ]
[ He buries his face in Ryouma's neck, sobbing without a care in the world for who might hear him. It's an absolutely pathetic show and a sign of how close Nishitani and Izō had been. The stability he'd built was crumbling again. ]
Jus'...don't. Don't leave me again. Please. I can't handle that! [ Rare honesty as he squeezes Ryouma tighter, repeating the desperate plea from before. ] I'd fuckin' lose it!
[ it's always dangerous making these promises when you have no control over whether you stay or you go, but ryouma is determined; he'll keep repeating himself until izō believes it. ]
Whatever else there is, count on that. [ they have a lot to sort out, but it won't change this. he hopes izō understands that much. ] Where am I gonna go? I ain't losin' ya again, either. One day, I'll find Oryou again, and it'll be the three of us like it's meant t' be. Plus, ya got everybody else, remember? Emily and Majima. And there's no tellin' how all this works... it could jus' be temporary. What ya built still exists, even if ya ain't together right now...
[ ryouma pets izō's hair gently and rubs his back, speaking in a quiet voice. it's easy for him to talk and be optimistic, and even though it's hard to watch izō in so much pain, he can't help but smile a little at the thought of what good he knows izō does have going for him. ideally, he's managing to be at least a little soothing. ]
It's gonna be alright, see? So many people love ya, Izō.
[ Ryouma's voice and touch are so soothing. He can't stop Izō from crying, but he is helping. Izō clings to him, the sobs giving way to silent crying. Nishitani's words echo in his head. "Promise me you'll live a life worth living and take what you're owed from a cruel fucking world."
Easier said than done. ]
I know I got 'em...'s why I'm fuckin' scared.
[ Despite everything, Ryouma gets the most vulnerable parts of Izō. ]
I woulda died without 'em...Can't imagine livin' without 'em.
Well, the good news is nobody's askin' ya t' imagine that. No point in worryin' about it, right?
[ he thinks about it and a thought comes to mind fairly quickly. it's one he can't pretend hasn't crossed his mind at least once, but he isn't exactly proud of it given the implications. ]
... Ya ever think about stayin'? I mean—... everybody agreed t' somethin' comin' here. What if while bein' here somebody decides they don't wanna go back where they came from? Wouldn't it be real easy t' negotiate for somethin' else? Maybe they're even hopin' a few people will stay on for the long haul. If we're gonna settle down and build somethin' that might take years, why abandon it when it's all said an' done?
[ the part he isn't proud of is where it feels like even entertaining the thought is shirking his duty — even if it's a cruel duty for someone like him, and he's been doing it far longer than anyone deserves. ]
Makes ya wonder, I guess. This place ain't easy, but there are a lot worse places out there.
[ Izō hadn't considered that. Jigokucho is a hell of a lot better than Hakagemachi had ever been...The problem is that Majima at least had unfinished business. Could he even go back, though...? Izō doesn't know. The only one who can answer that is Majima himself.
It's a nice thought. To be able to stay with his loved ones and what they built together...To have Ryouma close at hand again.
It's selfish, but who cares? He's allowed to be selfish, right? ]
I mean...I don't think Master'll want me back like this. [ A humorless laugh. Would he even be able to go back like this? Would he have all his memories? ] I'd rather stay here...Make sure no one gets hurt, be there with 'em...with ya. Nothin' t' worry 'bout but what's best for th' clan. Ain't a bad idea at all.
Oh, please! [ he can't help laughing because... ritsuka. ] I don't think there's any question of that. You'd always be welcome back there, Izō.
[ ryouma can say so without hesitation because he's gone on at length about ritsuka's gift for bringing people together, feeling it's above and beyond whatever ability he has in that area himself. whether that's true is debatable, but there are many reasons why he's sure izō wouldn't have any trouble wherever he wants to go.
hearing him agree is even more encouraging, though, especially since ryouma had intentionally tried to sound impartial. if izō wanted to go, there isn't much to stop him from following either. ]
If you'd rather stay, then ya oughta stay. There's enough stress and danger 'round here on its own without havin' t' worry about people disappearin'.
[ he hesitates. ]
... Can't lie and say it wouldn't help me sleep a little better at night knowin' you'll still be around in the mornin' myself. I feel like I found ya and lost ya too many times already...
[ this is hardly his first time going through something like this, after all, and he has the burden of retaining his memories. he supposes this means he's admitting he'd be fine settling, at least this much, but... that's not really a bad thing, is it? ]
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He never will be. ]
...Don't ya fuckin' disappear on me, too.
[ Not again. ]
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enough, at least, that when he has the urge to pull izō into a hug for once, he doesn't fight it. ]
I ain't goin' nowhere.
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Ya better not! Or I'll kill ya! Ya disappear on me again and I'll fuckin' hunt ya down!
[ His words would be more threatening if his voice wasn't trembling with emotion. A desperate kiss follows his shouting. ]
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ryouma holds izō like that as long as he needs him to. he doesn't judge; if anything it's a struggle not to let his own feelings overwhelm him, so he tries to focus on steadying his breathing. he can be strong and reassuring, like izō used to be for him, and nobody has to know how close he's come to breaking his own promise to himself not to cry anymore. ]
What'd I tell ya..? [ speaking of wanting to sound one way and it coming out another, it would be nice if he could sound calm and not like he's choked up. ] You're stuck with me. All I want is t' by your side, y' know? Nothin' makes me happier...
[ that's the truth. despite everything else going on and things he's said in the past, his words still make him blush a little. ryouma's breath hitches because the last thing he's expecting is to be kissed, but as soon as he recovers from that he kisses izō back with the same desperate energy. they can be pathetic together, if that's how it is. ]
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Jus'...don't. Don't leave me again. Please. I can't handle that! [ Rare honesty as he squeezes Ryouma tighter, repeating the desperate plea from before. ] I'd fuckin' lose it!
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[ it's always dangerous making these promises when you have no control over whether you stay or you go, but ryouma is determined; he'll keep repeating himself until izō believes it. ]
Whatever else there is, count on that. [ they have a lot to sort out, but it won't change this. he hopes izō understands that much. ] Where am I gonna go? I ain't losin' ya again, either. One day, I'll find Oryou again, and it'll be the three of us like it's meant t' be. Plus, ya got everybody else, remember? Emily and Majima. And there's no tellin' how all this works... it could jus' be temporary. What ya built still exists, even if ya ain't together right now...
[ ryouma pets izō's hair gently and rubs his back, speaking in a quiet voice. it's easy for him to talk and be optimistic, and even though it's hard to watch izō in so much pain, he can't help but smile a little at the thought of what good he knows izō does have going for him. ideally, he's managing to be at least a little soothing. ]
It's gonna be alright, see? So many people love ya, Izō.
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Easier said than done. ]
I know I got 'em...'s why I'm fuckin' scared.
[ Despite everything, Ryouma gets the most vulnerable parts of Izō. ]
I woulda died without 'em...Can't imagine livin' without 'em.
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[ he thinks about it and a thought comes to mind fairly quickly. it's one he can't pretend hasn't crossed his mind at least once, but he isn't exactly proud of it given the implications. ]
... Ya ever think about stayin'? I mean—... everybody agreed t' somethin' comin' here. What if while bein' here somebody decides they don't wanna go back where they came from? Wouldn't it be real easy t' negotiate for somethin' else? Maybe they're even hopin' a few people will stay on for the long haul. If we're gonna settle down and build somethin' that might take years, why abandon it when it's all said an' done?
[ the part he isn't proud of is where it feels like even entertaining the thought is shirking his duty — even if it's a cruel duty for someone like him, and he's been doing it far longer than anyone deserves. ]
Makes ya wonder, I guess. This place ain't easy, but there are a lot worse places out there.
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It's a nice thought. To be able to stay with his loved ones and what they built together...To have Ryouma close at hand again.
It's selfish, but who cares? He's allowed to be selfish, right? ]
I mean...I don't think Master'll want me back like this. [ A humorless laugh. Would he even be able to go back like this? Would he have all his memories? ] I'd rather stay here...Make sure no one gets hurt, be there with 'em...with ya. Nothin' t' worry 'bout but what's best for th' clan. Ain't a bad idea at all.
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[ ryouma can say so without hesitation because he's gone on at length about ritsuka's gift for bringing people together, feeling it's above and beyond whatever ability he has in that area himself. whether that's true is debatable, but there are many reasons why he's sure izō wouldn't have any trouble wherever he wants to go.
hearing him agree is even more encouraging, though, especially since ryouma had intentionally tried to sound impartial. if izō wanted to go, there isn't much to stop him from following either. ]
If you'd rather stay, then ya oughta stay. There's enough stress and danger 'round here on its own without havin' t' worry about people disappearin'.
[ he hesitates. ]
... Can't lie and say it wouldn't help me sleep a little better at night knowin' you'll still be around in the mornin' myself. I feel like I found ya and lost ya too many times already...
[ this is hardly his first time going through something like this, after all, and he has the burden of retaining his memories. he supposes this means he's admitting he'd be fine settling, at least this much, but... that's not really a bad thing, is it? ]